Vent.

Most days I am okay. I can tolerate some things, let things roll of my shoulders but I really get annoyed and angry with hateful bitter people.  I have never encountered anyone as bitter as the person I have in mind. I've never received a compliment, nor encouragement from this person.  I can "kill him with kindness" but it doesn't keep me from feeling so bothered by him.  I don't know if he thinks that being the way he is will intimidate people or scare them? I'm not scared of him..

I don't want to toot my own horn, but I care deeply about my family, I encourage people.  I don't life my life..just because I'm alive and there is nothing else to do. I pursue happiness. I do things that make me happy, that make memories, will change lives and change the world.  I don't want to live a bitter life, I don't want to be bitter or hateful towards people.  I enjoy helping people, I don't leave them stranded.

My children are my babies, I'd support them in any way I can, I want them to be responsible and caring people.  I wouldn't throw them out of a boat and say sink or swim.  I don't want to be remembered as someone who was hateful, or didn't care about anything.  I want people to remember good things about me.

My FIL is the most hateful, rudest person I've ever met.  Anytime I tell someone about the way he is.. they say.. "oh thats just how the B*******'s  (insert last name here) are." and my reply is.. "that doesn't make it right"..

Just because I was neglected, and abused doesn't mean... "thats just way I have to be"... I don't know why he's so hateful, why he isn't encouraging. Just because I don't work, doesn't mean I'm lazy.  I am raising my children... something he knows nothing about.  I am in college. Something he knows nothing about.  but he'd rather me work a minimum wage job to support my family than to acquire an education that will allow me to have a higher paying job.

I don't want to be remembered as someone who intimidates people, or belittles people.  I want to be someone who inspires people.  I want to set an example and show my children that they can achieve anything, that they can be happy and they can live a good, clean, healthy life.

I know too many people who cheat, steal, lie and take advantage of people.  I don't want to take advantage of anyone and I don't want to be taken advantage of.

Someday. as bad as it is.. I won't have to tolerate so much negativity.  I can live a stress free life w/o hateful, ungrateful, unappreciative, bitter people looming over my shoulder.

Review: 2012

This year had gone by fast! I know that everyone says that phrase.  I suppose when you are living in the moment, time drags but when you are at the end of the year.. you happen to look back and realize that its gone and you can't get it back.

Last year I was pregnant with Peanut.  He was born a year ago today at 12:43 p.m.  My labor went by pretty fast, I didn't sleep the entire night.  The nurse had told me that I had to stay in labor and delivery for 2 hours after he was born.  I remember holding him. Staring at him. Nursing him.  Then nurses helping me into a wheel chair so that I could be wheeled to our room.  I looked at them and said.. Woah 2 hours has gone by already? and the nurse replied yes.

Looking back.. those 2 hours flew by as did the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months that lead up to this moment.  I was so nervous to have Luke.  My pregnancy with Raegan was easy, labor was fine except a few pains..but my post partum experience after her birth was hard.  I gained 40 lbs and was depressed.  I was so .worried that after I had Luke that I'd experience the same thing and I wasn't sure that having a baby was worth what I felt after I had Raegan.  buttttt.. at 39 weeks pregnant.. I had no choice but to deliver him.

There were a few hiccups. but I didn't have the nervousness I had with Raegan. I already knew I could keep a baby alive.. (after all.. Raegan was just a few days shy of 3 years old).  So with that feeling gone. I was happy.  We had been approved to build a home that was bigger than the one we lived in at the time...of course we wouldn't get to move into the home for quite some time but it was all worth it.

My post partum experience with Luke has been amazing. Not one ounce of depression. I had some moments where I could have banged my head into a concrete wall a couple of times but I didn't.  I was so sick during my pregnancy with Luke.  I had lack of appetite and any time I ate I threw it up.. The day before he was born I went to my 39 week check up and I weighed 10 lbs less than I did when I got pregnant. At his one week check up I weighed myself and found that I weighed 30 lbs less than I did when I got pregnant.  I was nervous with that as well.. I knew if I didn't eat well and exercise that I'd gain the weight back and then some.

I didn't weigh myself until OCTOBER.  I didn't want to be disappointed by the numbers on the scale.  I had a sinus infection in October, I went to Urgent care and the nurse talked me into weighing myself.  I was so shocked to find out that I weighed 7lbs less than I did a week after Luke was born.  I hadn't done anything to keep the weight off but I knew my happiness had so much to do ....had I been depressed I would have been eating lots of sweets and not wanting to do anything.  Another thing I know contributed to me keeping weight off was breastfeeding.

Soo.. After months of building our home, we finally moved into our new home in September, Raegan started school in August which made me realize how quiet the house is with just one child.  I completed 3 semesters of school.  I passed all of my classes.  I have so much less anxiety.

Luke has done amazingly well.  He weighed 19 lbs 11 oz at his 6 month check up.  19 lbs. 02 oz at his 9 month check up and 19 lbs 6 oz at his check up last week.  We had his birthday party on the 16th.  He hasn't started walking yet, but cruises along the furniture.  He's starting to stand on his own but once he realizes what he's doing he sits.  He says Momma and Dada.  He points at everything, Follows Raegan all over the house.  Every person who admires Luke comments about what a "Smiley" baby he is, his beautiful blue eyes and how he looks just like his daddy.

I was nervous about how Raegan would adjust to having another child around.  She was the only child around for all of the 3 years she existed before Luke. At first she was unsure about him.  She wouldn't come near me in the hospital room but I unwrapped him from the blanket and I showed her that he had hands, and feet. 10 fingers and 10 toes.  She counted them all and quickly warmed up to him.  I felt bad at first because I had been so accustomed to cuddling with only Raegan.  At first she didn't quite understand why I had him all of the time.. but She's taken over the big sister role quite remarkably.  She never would allow me to take a picture of her holding Luke but she loves to kiss him, and play with him.  Right now she enjoys playing "tea party" with him.  She also cracks up when she says "Bubba's a "may-mo"..."  I haven't quite figured out what that word means .. but she thinks its hilarious.  She also tells me that "Bubba is a cowboy!".

My children are hilarious.

Luke enjoys shutting the bedroom doors and laughs when I stick my fingers under the door.. then he sticks his under.. and I open the door then he laughs hysterically.

Luke's first Christmas was a white Christmas.  While we didn't get much snow, Raegan loved it.  Brian took her out several times and let her cover herself with the umbrella. Silly kid.

I'm watching Luke play with a pile of blocks. He's incredibly smart, and Raegan is playing with a bracelet her grandma gave her.

Brian is at work, Today we got a 2010 Ford Fusion. I am so excited.  It took forever but we finally paid  enough off on our Focus that we could trade it in for a little bit bigger car.

I thought I'd just take a few moments to describe my year.  I know time will pass and this will be a distant memory but I want to be able to read these words and have these memories come flooding back.

Life is good. :)

Natalie

It is finally gone!

YAY! They finally moved our old house! I no longer have to look at that eye sore!... sorta.

So. I am so happy! Now we have a beautiful front yard, kinda. we've got to clean it up and have the landscaper come. Other than that.. I am excited. I wouldn't mind a privacy fence though...I'll work on that later.

The woman who had the house moved, bought a few lots of land a block away.. so.. technically I can still see the house from my property BUT.. I am just happy its not ON my property anymore.

The men who moved the house said the house was built in the 1920's.  I thought it was cool.  He said you could tell how it'd been built one room at a time.  Seems strange, 1920 wasn't too long ago.. I guess nearly 100 years ago but that still doesn't seem like long enough for a family to be living in one room.

Its pretty cold outside today.  Thanksgiving is next week. I am excited to cook my first dinner for Thanksgiving.  I never had the opportunity to in our old house.  Not only was it small but our stove didn't work for a year... and.. there was no room to invite people over.  Brian's mom is having Thanksgiving at her house too.  Its kind of annoying but whatever. I am having Thanksgiving in my NEW BEAUTIFUL HOME!.

Right now it looks like it'll just be the kids and I eating Thanksgiving dinner.  My grandma said she isn't coming...so.. that eliminates everyone else.  Maybe I'll get a surprise.  It seems that when something is important to me, no one cares.  Honestly it doesn't matter.  I have a picture in my head of how the holidays should be, and I can make it how I think it should be.

Anyways.  The house smells like pumpkin! and the view out my living room window is beautiful.  Thanksgiving Break is next week.  I've only got a couple of weeks of class left.  I am so close to being done with school! I am so ready!  Which reminds me.. I have a paper to write and turn in this weekend. BLAH. I hate writing papers.  It sucks the life out of me.  I turned in a paper a few weeks ago. I made an 87.  I did alright but the professor said in his notes that I would have received an A but I had a few formatting errors.  Hopefully I won't mess up this time.  BLAHHHHHHH!

Raegan is in school right now.  she really enjoys preschool.  She's still not potty trained.  Getting her to use the potty was going good until she started holding it in all day long.  Her doctor said I should let her make the initiative to become potty trained.  She has anxiety, and it seems to manifest in the little things she does.  At this moment she's terrified of leaves.  Its currently fall which makes going places hard. She wants to be carried everywhere.  The other day we were in the car and Brian had to pull over to get a leaf that fell off of her shoe and into the floor board... She's also terrified of strangers. Everything is so complicated.

Sigh. Luke is asleep and I'm feeling tired.  Its almost 12:30. I need lunch.

I'll write more later, maybe I'll post pictures.

Natalie

Happy Halloween!

This morning Raegan is at school.  Luke just crawled into my lap and is nursing.  I am sprawled across the couch listening to some music.  I put on a song that makes me feel a little nostalgic soo. I decided I may write something.  I should really make a habit of writing when I can.  After all this is my life, and I should document it.

So a few things, today is Halloween.  Raegan had night terrors last night, so I slept very little, woke up late, couldn't get Raegan to wear her pirate costume.. and I burned my tongue while drinking a french vanilla latte.  But I did manage to get her to school on time.  So other than that.. its 10a.m. and.. its time for Luke's first nap.

A few things have happened. Umm.. I actually got an email from a cousin.. I left a message on a genealogy website, and he found my message.  I talked to him yesterday.  He knows my grandmother. It was the strangest thing. I really don't talk on the phone much unless I have to because I hate carrying on a convo when theres not much to say.  BUT. I spoke to this man for 2 hours while Luke slept.  It was interesting. He was able to tell me things about my family that I never knew, and probably would have never known if he hadn't have told me.  My grandmother doesn't talk about her childhood or past or anything.. everything I have learned has came from relatives I've found online.  I was actually very happy to receive an email from him because I had ZERO info about that line of the family.  I learned at one point that my grandmother's sister dated a man who claimed to have participated in the assasination of JFK. Sounds absolutely crazy.. I can't believe no one has mentioned it before.. but it was interesting.. I was able to google his name and read about the conspiracy theories the man was involved in.  I also learned that a cousin of my mom's actually married the brother of a famous country singer.  Small world. eh?   There are several things I learned and I enjoyed speaking to the man.

The second thing that happened.. I may sound crazy.. so bare with me. LOL.

I've always been told that I should write a book.  Of course.. I know a lot of people get told this.. because.. everyone experiences traumatic things.

but.. I watched the movie "The Vow" ...and it was sweet. It was interesting to learn that the movie was based on actual events.  and then I was thinking... "dude.. someone should make a movie about me".. (retarded idea) but.. then I got to thinking about a book.  and distant cousin I found on ancestry.com gave me the info about a publishing company here in Oklahoma that is publishing a book for her friend.. and I went to their website.. and wrote them an email.. to find out exactly what I should do to write a book.  a few hours later.. I actually got a phone call from a man that works for that publishing company.  He told me I should hire a ghost writer.. I shared with him things about my past.. and I told him I have written journals through all of my experience, and he said he thought it was a good idea for me to write a book and that he'd be interested in reading a manuscript when its finished.

(oh yeah this publishing company publishes books that are "inspiring"..)

so.. he gave me some ideas about how to go about finding a ghost writer... I actually have some people who offered to do it.. but with distance and timing being an issue.. I kind of decided to look around.  I contacted the college I attend, and I spoke to someone who is in charged of the writing dept or whatever..She told me that she would send out an email to see if she could get anyone interested in helping, and if no one contact me.. that I should call her back because she was definitely interested.

The woman sent out the email, and one day I went to go pick up Raegan from school.  I got a phone call from a professor, and I explained to her the purpose behind why I would like to write a book,  She told me I had an "amazing" story, and that she thinks it would make a great book.

anyways.. long story short.. I'm meeting her on Friday.. She's coming here to my home, and we can talk.. and I can show her pictures.. and get to know her.. but I'm actually really excited.  She says she thinks it would take about a year.. obviously because she has a life, and children.. but she's very interested in doing the work.  She's had her own work published several times, She has two masters degrees, she was a librarian, taught Spanish for 4 years.. and.. some other things.. She's also from Calera, which is my home town.. so it kind of just fell into place and worked out well.

I am excited to start this.. BUT now my anxiety is sort of setting in.. I keep thinking.. of all people.. why would I write a book, I feel normal.. my life is normal.. I don't see what other people see.  The other day I told a friend, that.. the people around me are desensitized to me. I think its the same for myself.  I don't think I'm amazing or very inspiring.. I mean.. I know I work hard for what I want, and I have the desire to be good and to achieve things, to make a difference and set an example.. but I'm so used to myself.

So I ask myself.. what would I want to share in a book.  I often feel like I talk about the accident all of the time..and I feel like I can justify why I do so. Obviously the experience was traumatic, and life changing.  I also am very aware of my surroundings, and the fact that.. any thing can happen at any time.  I am blessed to be alive.  I don't want to take anything for granted at any point.  Its probably my anxiety and fear of dying, that makes me more aware that I have no control over some things in my life.

anyways.. back to my point.  What would I put in a book.  honestly.. I would share what happened in the accident, but the book wouldn't be solely about the accident.  I think that me writing about my experience may be hurtful to the others who were in the accident, because I don't remember what they do.. but the one thing I did experience that no one else did was the traumatic injuries to my body.  My sisters didn't have life threatening injuries, my nephew broke his arm and leg.. while he does have scars, he probably won't ever remember not having them.  My moms boyfriend broke his back, and wore a halo for 6 months, I can not recall if he had any other physical injuries.

I do not want to discredit the way anyone feels or what they experienced. I can not say my injuries were "worse" than theirs, but my injuries have affected me differently.  I would like to write about my recovery.  We all know that the world puts pressure on us to look or to be a certain way.  Its often that these messages are subliminal messages.  We may see something, or feel something and not realize the way that its actually influencing us.

During my recovery I've always felt as though I had a weight on my shoulders.  People I know tell me that they don't notice my scars, but its different for the people who don't know me, or haven't seen me before.  There is pressure to look or feel a certain way.  I want to share my story of how I struggle with accepting myself.  I want to share about the reactions of other people around me.

People often don't know how to respond, or act around someone such as myself.  I have been in many situations where I myself didn't know exactly how to respond to what was said to me.  Kids most often, don't have sensors.. so they say the craziest things.  Its funny but awkward because I don't know how to respond.

Yesterday I picked Raegan up from school and I heard a little girl whisper to another little girl.. "Her ear looks bad".. and this morning.. This kid looked at me and gasped, He asked me "whats wrong!?!" (with my face of course).. I said "nothing" and walked on lol..

People don't want to cross any boundaries, or hurt my feelings.. but I think sharing my experience may give people a different perspective about how I feel, or how they should act around me.

Sigh.. I'm rambling. I feel like a crazy woman.  Surely I'm not crazy.. and maybe someone might be interested in reading something of the sort.

maybe. we'll see. It'll be a long road, a year seems like for ever but Luke is 10 months old and I can't believe it! So.. we'll have to see what happens! I'll update more on the matter as it progresses..

Natalie

What should I say?

So. An update.   I finally enrolled in classes for the Spring semester! I am so excited! 3 semesters left!!

I will have to put Luke in day care.. I'm kind of nervous.. I never put Raegan in day care but I hope that this helps him.. I don't want to relive Raegan's anxiety.  She's at school right now. I'll have to go get her in an hour.  But other than that.. Luke is a sleep on my chest.  Theres not much going on.. Halloween is in a few days.. I don't think I'm dressing Luke up.  But Raegan will be a pirate. I've had her costume for a month. She's pretty excited.  Thanksgiving is in a few weeks.  I am so excited for the Holiday season! I am excited to cook and decorate! I've already go our Christmas tree and ornaments.

So we've be in our house for a little over a month.  It has been great! I feel less stressed in this house, with a few exceptions.  I love the room, and not being cramped up.  Luke loves crawling everywhere.. and Raegan runs all over the place.  Its fun.

Well.. there really isn't much else to say.. I'm happy with being in our new home, and I'm ready for the upcoming holiday season. Life is going good!

Natalie.

Let's play catch up

Oh my, I haven't had the opportunity to write anything in nearly 2 months. Ridiculous huh!?

Well.. Luke drives me nuts most days. Don't get me wrong. I love him but he follows me around the house crying all day.. and I get very overwhelmed easily.  He got his top 4 teeth ALL AT ONCE. and.. we had to work on the house, and do all of these things to get it ready for the final inspection.

Today is October 2nd, and I am happy to day that we have lived in our new home for a week and a half now.  The first few nights were odd. It was strange sleeping in a different place than I had for the last 5 years.. but I will tell you that I have slept better every night in this house than I ever did in the old house... well except the night I woke up and threw up my dinner. I guess I had a 24 hour bug. I felt horrible but then I woke up the next day and I felt great.

So Raegan has started headstart.  I was so nervous when she began.  But I have been so surprised at how amazingly well she has blended into the class of 10 children.  The teacher, Mrs. Pebworth, says that Raegan is the most advanced student in the class.  She knows all of her numbers, colors, and ABC's frontwards, backwards and randomly.  Raegan is eager to learn as well.  I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief when I was told this.  I taught Raegan all of these things because I felt I wasn't doing a good enough job, but it turns out I was doing something amazing.

The fall semester has started, I haven't done so well.  Its been so frustrating, with Luke, and moving, and now that I've actually got the internet in the new house, it shouldn't be a problem.  I will say for the millionth time that I am so ready to graduate from college.  I am almost there though.

In other news,  I have decided again, that I really want to write a book.  I guess I've been talked into it, I think it'd be an amazing experience to write something about myself.  Even if it is only for my own documentation.  I like the idea of having something that can be passed down through my family.

My only problem is I have no idea where to begin, I've got help but sitting down and actually doing it is going to be the hardest part.  I do pretty while as a procrastinator.  I don't feel as confident about my own work.  and I hate doing things alone.  I like having someone to reassure me that what I am doing is good, and right.  Reassure me please.

Mocha.  I wouldn't mind some Starbucks.  Its officially Fall! My favorite part of the year.  Autumn is a name I have on my list if we have another little girl. ;) Random thought. I know.  I'm just trying to think through Luke's snoring.  He's currently lying across my lap...nursing as I type. Goofy image.

Well I suppose I'll have to write more later as it comes to my mind.

so the main idea of this blog is randomness and..Our new home is amazing and I am so happy to finally be in it! The next step is to finish going through our things, and move the old house.


I'll write more later.

Natalie

A New Chapter

Raegan has officially began a new chapter in her life.  I can't believe she's in pre-k!.  The first day (yesterday) was hard, frustrating.. and overwhelming.  I was on the verge of crying but held my tears back.  Raegan didn't want me to leave but the teacher (Mrs. Pebworth) insisted that Raegan would be better if I left.  Psh.. what does she know anyways.  atleast that is what I was thinking.

This morning Raegan cried from the moment we walked out of the house, until I left her in the classroom.  Its so hard to leave your child crying.  I came home and started to feed Luke, when I got a call from Brian saying that Raegan had cried so hard she threw up every where.  So I had to listen to Luke scream the entire way back to the school, and all the way home because he was hungry.  I counted the minutes until 2 o clock.  I then drove to the school.. and was surprised to find Raegan playing and happy.  She wasn't thinking about me, or crying.. or  anything! I can't believe how well she was doing.

The teacher saw me peeping through the window and waved for me to come in the room.  I walked in and the teacher went on and on about how AMAZING Raegan did.  She even told me that Raegan needs pull ups.. and that she peed in the potty.  I can't believe it.  I've tried for over a year to get Raegan to use the potty.  Raegan only screamed and cried until I took her off.. and all of a sudden, 2 days at school and she wants to be a big girl!..

I don't even know who this child is! I am excited and happy for her! I know she will have so much fun with all of her new little friends.  I felt so much guilt for not having her around more children.. but maybe that guilt will subside some.  So I spent today with Luke, playing in the floor.. and a little house work.. but I pretty much just did whatever kept him from crying.  The house is so quiet and empty without Raegan here.  I don't even know what to do with myself.

In other news, We're still waiting for the brick to be done, waiting for flooring, and electric.......... and theres nothing I can do but wait .... until they come.. and of course they don't work thursday and friday.. so I will spend all weekend hoping that someone will come on Monday.

Brian spends most of next week in Oklahoma City for some work thing.  and my birthday is Wednesday! I will be a whopping 24 years old.  I don't even know where the time went.  It seems to fly by so fast.  I hope 24 is a great year!.

and.. Classes begin on the 20th.  I hope this semester is good.  and not stressful, and that I can manage school and Luke during the day!


Well I hope to write again soon, hopefully I will have more updates on the house and fun things to share about Raegan and Luke!

Oh.. and Luke, he's into everything, So fun, and playful. I love him to pieces. 7 months is a fun age!

Jabberwocky.

So everything is moving along.  Raegan is starting headstart in 8 days! I feel like crying. I can't believe she's old enough to attend school.  She keeps talking about school and friends.. but she has no clue what she's talking about.. I am certain its going to be rough on her. 8 hours a day from the beginning. She's going to miss me dearly.

Luke is crawling now! More like Throwing himself forward but he's able to get into anything and go anywhere he wants to.


He's officially 7 months old now.

So the house  is coming along.  The electric pole was set and put in place.  Flooring is supposed to be done sometime this week, and Brick will be started next Monday.  Walking through the house is so exciting because it actually feels like a house.  It is nothing like what I imagined but its everything I wanted.  Building a home is so exciting.

I finished both of my classes this semester with A's. I think I mentioned that before. buttttt its worth repeating again.  Classes start for the fall semester on Aug 20.  I think thats the latest I've ever started school. It normally begins the week of my birthday. The 15th.  Soooo I hope we'll be moving into the house by then.

Anyways.. Not much is going on.  I'm about to eat lunch with Raegan and.. then nurse Luke to sleep.  I'm bored, I hate that Brian works all day but I am thankful he has a job.  I am lonely though.  Can't wait til he gets home..

Anyways.. thats all. Hope everyone has a super amazing day.


Natalie

What is in a home.

I imagine that some people believe I get too excited about things that happen in my life.  I don’t shut up about it, and I hate to think that anyone would be jealous or think I brag.

I don’t feel like I brag, and I’ve spent most of my life feeling jealous of those around me. And why anyone would feel jealous is beyond me.  I believe wholeheartedly that although there are things in our lives we can not control or change, there are things that we can do to change the outcome of negative situations.  I believe I am in 100% control of how happy I am.  I do battle depression, and anxiety, and anger. And I do get jealous and I feel like “nothing is fair”… but I live for myself, and my happiness.  I strive to live a life that is better and leaves an impact.  I want to make a difference in my children’s lives.

To explain what our new home means to me, I would have to explain to you where I’ve came from and the things I’ve experienced, and most importantly the things I’ve felt.  I find some of these things hard to talk about because not everyone experiences this, and not as many people would understand.  My little sister and I grew up with my mother who was mentally ill.  We lived off of her disability check. 500 dollars a month.  Hardly enough to survive on.  I have no memories of family get togethers, or dinners, or anything of that sort.  My mom never cooked Christmas dinner, or any other meal for the holiday.  Churches always brought us cooked hams and turkeys.  There was nothing wrong with it, it kept our bellies full.  But I lacked feeling secure, or feeling what it was like to have a close knit family. 

Another thing I experienced, is that we lived in multiple places, and had very little furniture.  My little sister and I, along with my mom all shared a bed, usually it was a twin sized bed.  This was until I was 13, and placed in foster care.  Most of the time we didn’t even have a couch.  At one point I remember us having a big seat from the back of a van, in our living room.  We used that as a couch.

I understand that my mom was mentally ill, and lacked the funds to provide everything she probably wished she could for my little sister and I.  and I am aware that the things I did not have growing up were materialistic things.  But I did lack security, and closeness.  Once I was in foster care, I spent every holiday in someone else’s home, with someone else’s family.  I had plenty of food, and a bed to sleep in.. but I changed home 8 times.  All of which had different beds, and nothing was my own.  There were several times when I changed homes, that I didn’t even get all of my own belongings.

I am grateful that there are families who take children in, and give them homes.  But even with being taken care of by a family, those families had their own children.  And I can’t say that watching those parents with their own children didn’t sting.  I found great friends through my experiences, but there was always that little part of me that asked Why can’t I have that, why do things have to be like this?

I’ve found that since becoming a parent to two beautiful children, I am not as bitter.  I actually feel like I have a purpose now.  My husband and I are not rich by any means, but what we are blessed with is allowing us to change our children’s lives.  I am so excited to have a home, a single home, ONE HOME, that my children can grow up in.  I have no intentions of moving, or selling.. This is OUR home, that I can cook dinner in, and live in.  We can create and share memories in this home.  I look forward to family get-togethers, and birthday parties.  I look forward to having the kitchen counters covered in candies and deserts for the holidays.  I want to make every celebration a big one.

I look forward to Raegan and Luke having their own bedrooms.  I did not have a room to myself until I was 14.  I want them to have their own beds, their own furniture.  I want my children to feel as though they’re needs are being met, and that they’d never wish things were different.  The role I play in my family is important.  I am aware that even though I desire to give my children a wonderful life, there are still children who will experience the things I did, or worse. I wish I could provide a wonderful life for every child. I wish every person cared as much as I do.  The love I provide for my children, along with security, and stability will play a huge roll in their lives. Even my desire to continue and graduate from college is increasing the odds of them graduating from college.  I hope that my love and support will help develop them into loving, caring, passionate and responsible adults.  Adults who will someday show their children as much love as I show mine. 

Having a stable home is so important in a person’s life.  While I am excited to have a new home, the fact that its new isn’t as important as the life of the home.  I am happy to have a functioning kitchen, plumbing that works.  More square footage, and level floors.  I am also thankful for a roof with no leaks, and a solid foundation.

I feel like I’ve rambled enough.  If only I felt comfortable sharing everything I’ve experienced in my (almost) 24 years of life, then you’d really get a better understanding of how big a deal this really is. 

-Natalie

Milestones!

Brian is getting ready for work at the moment, Luke is bouncing and.. I just finished off a hazelnut iced coffee. Holy moly. I feel like I'm on crack.  I can't wait for Brian to get off work, we need to paint trim and doors.  Some guys will be here next week to hang the doors so I'm ready to get all of this painting done.

Yesterday was Luke's half birthday!  I can hardly believe he's already 6 months old.  It was just yesterday that I was driving Brian nuts with my baby fever.  I NEEEEEEDED a baby. wellllll now I've got a baby and I do NOT have baby fever..lol.  Most days I feel like pulling my hair out.  I love my children but God did not grant me with the patience thats needed to take care of children.

Luke has started babbling more, and he can get up on his knees.  I watch him repeatedly throw himself forward.  He flops onto his stomach.  Figuring out how to use those long dangly things that lay limp on the floor seems to be really frustrating to him.  He's pretty sure that they don't work, and that I am crazy for encouraging him to continue.  and He probably thinks I look like an idiot while I smile and coo and say "Good boy!" as if he were a dog who just rolled over.

So really thats about all thats going on right now.  Next week is the 4th of July, and Raegan's half birthday! Maybe we'll make a cake.  I'm not sure how she'll like the fireworks.  She really doesn't like loud sounds. buttttt I'd feel bad for her missing such a beautiful display of colorful lights.

4 weeks into the Summer semester and 12 assignments later, I still have 100 out of 100 points in both of my classes.  Now if I can keep this up, I will have A's in both of my classes and on my transcript.  It makes me feel good.. I think the only A I got in any class in high school was in Music.. which was a lot of fun, but felt like a bird course.  So having an A in both of my Psychology classes is saying a great deal on my part!  I think the only other A I have on my college transcript, was in Intro to Psych.  So maybe that says a little bit more.

In other news, today is going to be a beautiful day.  Beautiful yes, and HOTTTTT yes.  Last summer was ridiculous. It was 112-116 degrees the whole month of July.  This is the end of June and its been 100-104.. which is better but its still hot, we have barely any shade in our yard... so in the evenings we've been going to Brian's mother's to swim in a pool we put up.. so Raegan can swim in the shade in the evenings.  She realllly enjoys it.

Well I'm surprised I got this much typed on my own without kids screaming. So I shall end this before they change their mind about allowing me to concentrate.

I hope anyone who reads this has a wonderful day, and is super blessed.

Natalie

Insert title here

I haven't wrote in a few days.  I am so flustered by a screaming baby and my inability to focus on anything. I love being a mom but its just been one of those days. If Luke isn't screaming, Raegan is.  

BLAH!

So I'm typing with one hand.  The house is coming along.  We've been painting for a few days now.  First the blue paint I chose for the walls turned out to be a lot bluer than I expected. No big deal.. its still pretty.. but A few people joked that my house looks like a bag of skittles. ;)


the doors and trim were delivered today so we'll be painting them soon.  

I feel better since I had my seizure. I felt weird for a couple of days, and my muscles are still sore.. but I am doing better.  

I dont know what to say. I can't think. So I shall post some pictures and RUN.

bangs head on desk.

Well that was freaky.

I've been slacking off..so I'm laying in bed and figured I should update.Soo let me begin with Friday. Brian had to work Friday so I spent most of the day painting by myself. I'm excited for this house but I haven't done manual labor in a couple of years. Call me lazy but painting a ceiling is hard work.I got most of the ceilings done in the house. Then Saturday I woke up with a migraine. I hate the stupid things. It was by far one of the worst I've ever had. I took many breaks but I tried to paint as much as I could before Brian had to go to work on Saturday. I ended up giving up halfway through the afternoon because the nausea was so bad. My arms and legs were going numb. I was light headed too. Brian went to work and came home a little bit later. Brian says the last thing I did was lay down and ask for a cup of water and Tylenol.The next thing I know an IV is being jabbed into my arm and a man tells me I've had a seizure and I'm in route to the hospital via ambulance.He kept asking me questions. I could barely answer my name and age. I didn't even remember that I was breastfeeding Luke until they mentioned giving me Valium but I was coherent enough to tell them I didn't have a pump and they just gave me a shot of phenergan. They did a ct scan and monitored me because my heart was beating fast. But after 2 hours they finally let me come home to sleep. The dr told me that I should most definitely follow up with my neurologist. I read that if you've had a seizure then you are more likely to experience one again in the future. It was the freakiest thing I've ever experienced. My arm has a huge bruise from the IV.I still feel weird, no appetite and I cried all morning. I feel emotional. I read that feeling depressed after a seizure is normal. I don't know if it was caused by my body being stressed from the migraine or the paint fumes. But this is exactly why I lie low during my migraines. I'm not a hypochondriac and I wouldn't wish these migraines in anyone. I've always been paranoid that I would end up having a seizure. My husband was scared. I could tell just how he told me about it. He said my whole body was convulsing. And that I was breathing heavily and rapidly. It didn't last long but I've never had this happen before.My senses are out of wack. I guess it takes a few days to go back to normal.Oh and I bit my tongue. It is swollen. Blah.

I can't think of a title.

I will begin this post with "Today is a good day!".. :) The most exciting thing is that things are moving forward with our house!  The guys came and hung the sheet rock. And at this moment a group of guys are taping and bedding.. and they'll be doing texturing tomorrow.. So we'll be painting soon!  Tomorrow Brian's sister is going to pick up the paint for our bedroom, the specific color we want is made by Benjamen Moore Paint, and Its sold in Ada.. which is 45 mins from here but only a little ways from her home. So she's saving us a trip.  We still need to go pick up the paint for Raegan's room. I can't decide what I should paint it.  Her comforter is pink and purple and white.. but I also got some green accents. I think I'll choose a lavender purple.. and who knows what we'll chose for Luke's room.

Yesterday we went to Sherman and put our King size bed on layaway, so it'll be paid off by the time we move in.  We also put our coffee table and end tables on lay away.  I'm so excited.

The Summer semester has began.  My classes should be somewhat "easy" this semester.  But I am already experiencing a little anxiety about the upcoming semesters.  I keep telling myself I can do it. How? I don't know...........I hate school. Its not easy.. but I am smart, and I enjoy the subjects I am learning about.. its all interesting... I have too many other things on my mind.  Kids screaming, and other crap.  But I can do this.. I am not the first SAHM who has no help with child care.. I can do this......I can do this....blah.

I think I bit my lip in my sleep. It hurts.. I feel restless. I am going to go clean.. maybe it'll make me feel more productive and better.

I always feel better when I've accomplished something.

Maybe I'll edit this later and add more. who knows.

Natalie

Haven't I said this before?

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That is my summary for today.  Everything I typed before this gibberish was the same thing I type every day.  Today is a good day, playing with Raegan and Luke, tearing up the house while looking for a toy that Raegan won't forget.  Can't wait for Brian to get home.  Oh and at this moment, random men are hanging sheet rock in our new house.  Yippee. Now I shall go sing the ABC's with Raegan and whatever else I feel like doing.

The end.

Natalie

A Review of My Own.

Last night I watched a movie named Beastly.  I had wanted to see it for a long time, every so often I'd search the guide to see if it was coming on any channels that we have.  The other day Brian told me that we were getting the Encore channels for free between 5/28 -6/1.. the thought of checking for Beastly popped in my mind.  So I used the search menu to find the movie.  To my complete surprise it was listed as coming on.  I watched it last night. and felt like it was kind of a slow movie.  I watched it again today.. and it inspired me to write this blog entry.

My over all review of the movie was that it was kind of slow, and there were a few gaps.  I feel like it could have been portrayed a little bit differently.  I did not feel like it was as emotionally accurate as it should have been.  I mean, Only a person who has actually experienced having their face completely traumatized would be able to portray the real emotions that the movie implies. Right?

If you haven't watched the movie, I don't expect you to go out and watch it, buy it or rent it. I think this is the part of the blog that gets a little more personal.  It is this movie that inspired me to explain exactly what it feels like.

Although I can't be certain.  I've always said that the things I experienced after the accident (depression and such) had more to do with me accepting my body than the death of my mom and niece. I don't want to make it sound like it didn't bother me that they were no longer alive.  But there comes a point where I'm okay, I understand their gone, and thats that. but I have to live with my scars for the rest of my life.  Unlike other people's scars.. mine are visible for EVERYONE to see.  I can not possibly hide my scars unless I wear a paper bag over my face.

In the movie, the lead character is a jerk who acts as if only beautiful people matter, he cares about nothing except how great it is to be attractive and what good things happen to attractive people.  A classmate or "witch" whom he embarrasses casts a spell on him.  He's left with what look like scars on his face.  She tells him that he must find someone who says "I love you" to him, to break the spell.  If he does not find someone within a year, then he's left with those scars for the rest of his life.

Of course, You already know that he finds a girl, and she says "I love you" and his scars disappear, because within that year, he learns that people are so much more than what they appear to be on the outside.  A persons value or self worth is so much greater than what the world teaches.

My first thought about the criteria that he was given, is that a year is too short.  It took me years to accept myself. The movie does not display him as angry, or upset, or emotional or showing emotions about the possibility of living like that for the rest of his life.  He does hide himself from the outside world because of his disfigurement, but he never cried himself to sleep because he thought no one could ever love him.  The people in this world put so much emphasis on beauty, on who isn't and who is.  I can't tell you how many times I cried because at 14, 15, 16 and 17.. everything in a girls adolescent life is about how pretty she is, and being attractive, dating, (or at least I wanted to feel as if everyone thought I was gorgeous)

I never felt comfortable with my body, I never talked to anyone about it.  I wrote in my blog about it.  but accepting myself and my body was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Before the accident, I was always "the pretty one" out of all of my siblings. (Not my words, theirs..) I never felt pretty but I guess guys liked me.. and being flirtatious came so easily to me.  There are things that I found wrong with myself before the accident, I wanted to be skinnier, I did not like my big lips or my small boobs... and now I'd be happy with an asymmetrical face.

I don't think I necessarily took my "looks" for granted, as I did not feel beautiful.. but I did not appreciate the body I was born with.  At first everything after the accident was fuzzy.  I had people around me who were angry with me, or annoyed with me because "everyone felt sorry for me" as if I wanted them to feels sorry for me.  I didn't ask for any of this.  I did not ever imagine going through anything that has happened in the last 9 years.  I could not have predicted this.

I have people tell me all of the time that they "don't know how I do it".. do it? as in live my life?  well to be honest, I have no choice.  When I go out in public, I've learned to tune everything and everyone out around me.  Sorry if I don't see you, hear you, or if I completely look past you.  Its not you, its me.  If I tune it out, and get what I went there for, then I won't notice the man in the next aisle who is looking around the corner to get a second glance at me.  and I won't hear the child who is tugging on his moms hand saying "momma! what happened to her?!"

I suppose one could not fit all of the emotions that one would feel in a traumatic experience into a movie that is probably only 2 hours long.  I remember crying once, to Lyndall.  She was a friends mom, She was always mistaken for my mom.  I took it as a compliment.  She was a good woman, She always answered every question I had.  and she was very easy to relate to.  She was diagnosed with cancer when she was 18 months old or so.  Cancer of the nose, then cancer in her breasts, cancer in her chin.. and a few other places.  I hate calling her face "disfigured" but she went through some of the same things I felt because her face wasn't her natural face.  I was crying to her once, I told her she didn't know how I felt.  She had lived her entire life with her injuries, and I was 14, when mine happened to me.  I had been normal.. I told her that I didn't think anyone could ever possibly love me and see past my scars.  She told me "that is just a cop out".. I guess for a moment I felt sorry for myself, I know I felt like it wasn't fair.. because no one else knew what it felt like.  I will spend my entire life wondering how my life would have been different, and what I would have looked like.  I do have pictures of myself from before the accident, I can compare to Raegan and Luke to see how much they look like me.  I felt bad for Lyndall.. She has 3 daughters who look so completely different from each other.. and its hard to even imagine what exactly Lyndall would have looked like.

One thing that was taught to me, is that I should pray for what I want in a husband.  I remember the only thing I ever prayed for, is that when I met him, I would know that he was the one, I wanted to know that he was the one because I didn't want to be heartbroken or sad about the possibility of a guy not thinking I was beautiful and not appreciating me for who I was rather than what I looked like.  The day I met Brian, I told him I was going to marry him.  My dorm mates thought I was crazy. But I absolutely knew.  I can't explain it, but all of my insecurities that I had before I met him, completely disappeared.  I can't say I'm happy with the way I look, I don't like looking at myself in the mirror.. and when I do.. I tend to take a few minutes to stare at myself but I no longer worry about finding someone who is going to love me.

In the movie Beastly, the guy does find a girl to say she loves him, and his scars are gone. Big Whoop. He's returned to his normal self.  I, myself have imagined that the scars are only mine for a day, that maybe in the morning I'll wake up and see that it was only a dream but 3297 days later.. I've come to the realization that my scars are not a dream.  I will have them for the rest of my life.  I am so much more than what my body displays.  I will not hide myself.  I will not be ashamed.  I accept myself and I love that I am able to set an example for those who have trouble seeing the beauty in the imperfections of life.

So don't feel sorry for me. Don't show me sympathy.  The accident was bad, but so many great things have came from a tragic event in my life.  I am a beautiful person regardless of how the world views beauty (I'm not conceited, I promise)  I have the opportunity to see the world in a different light.

and again, the movie was good.  but maybe the producer/director should have talked someone like me.. to find out exactly what it feels like to grieve for the loss of who I was, but to be able to rebuild my life around the good things in our lives that truly have value, beauty and significance.  Things that are truly over looked and taken for granted.  Had I not experienced this event in my life.. I do not think I would be as passionate about my life as I am now.  Perhaps I am the only person who watched the movie, who actually knows anything about what its like.  and Maybe if you've read this, and watch it.. you'll be able to look at it differently and you'll perceive it differently than you would have if you hadn't read my thoughts.

Natalie

Rambling about something.

Okay. So long story short,

9 years ago I was in a really bad car accident, While I was in the hospital recovering from my injuries.. still drugged up with tubes everywhere.. My foster parents made a video of me.

Yesterday I checked the mail and I got a package that includes the original video.  I am so excited. I am going to Walgreen's this evening to send it off and have it transferred to a dvd.  I'm not emotional or anything about the accident, but I can faintly remember watching the video.  I know its bad but I think it'll be nice to show my husband and a few of my friends.  I met TONS of people after my accident, people who didn't know me before my accident.  Its been so long that talking about the accident, or my injuries doesn't feel like a big deal.  It'll be nice to refresh my memory and to show it to my husband.  I think it'll help them understand that it wasn't just "an accident'.  It was a really traumatic event in my life.  I have my scars, and my face doesn't look the same.. but I know that I look like myself.  When this video was recorded my eyes were swollen shut and to quote a friend... "My head was the size of a watermelon"

I don't think it'll upset me. I think it may shock me.  Idk.. its been 8.5 years since I've even seen it.  I'm so thankful that it was finally sent to me.  I didn't feel like it was fair for someone to have something so personal of mine.. and me not have access to it.

I don't know how I feel about it.  I think I'll probably send a copy to my nephew.. he's on the video.  He was a patient in the Children's hospital.  Its going to be strange watching it.  It feels like yesterday. I remember what it felt like to be in the hospital.  I can still recall the smell of the hospital.. and how it felt to swallow food.  I remember a lot of things, but I'll be able to visualize it now.

after typing this.. I realize I'm not as "excited" but much more nervous.  I am excited to have the video.  Nervous to watch it.. because my memory of the video has faded.. and seeing it will be like watching it for the first time all over again.

hmmmmm.....I've contemplated sharing it with others.  I know many people have their stories posted online so people can see.. but.. I hate feeling like I want attention.. but the car accident I was in was a day before school let out for the summer.  I didn't see a lot of people I went to school with or knew.. until school started in August.  (My accident was in May).. While I know my facial injuries were more than likely a shock to all of those around me.  I also know that my swelling had went down and my injuries had healed some.  I wouldn't mind sharing it with people I know... I definitely wouldn't want people feeling sorry for me, or anything..

I feel like everyone went through this with me.. I couldn't hide my injuries, I couldn't shield myself without becoming a complete hermit.  I know that I look so much better now than I did when the video was recorded.  I posted all of the pictures I have of me directly after the accident.  I am thankful for them, but I honestly kind of wish someone had taken more pictures of me.  I feel like someone should have told me that I would want pictures, and that taking pictures of my progress was a big deal.  but no one said that.  I really enjoy taking pictures of my children, they change so much, and I've got it documented.  I feel like someone should have documented my journey.  Someday when I'm long gone, the pictures I have may be left.  Maybe my ggg grandchildren will look at the picture.. and they'll wonder what happened to me, or anything about the accident I was in.  I hope I've left enough info for them to not be left out, or left wondering.


on another note, I found an obituary for my ggg grandfather's niece, she was 12 years old in 1877.  She through oil on a fire and was covered in flames, she died from her injuries 18 hours later.  I came across this obituary while searching for any trace of anything.  I hope that someday if anyone is ever searching for info about me or my life, that they'll find my whole life.

I should write a book.

:)
oh and I've contemplated making about a dozen copies of the dvd... that way I can keep some and make sure they aren't ever damaged and that they'll be in a safe place where my children have access to them.  I plan to somehow upload it online.. in a private way, so that its always online along with my pictures.




Natalie

Loads of fun.

Today has just began.. Brian went to work, Raegan is entertaining herself, Luke is in the jumperoo.

So the other day my left palm itched, and I told Brian that an old wives tale says it means "money" or something another.. so.. I told him to go to the travel plaza. We hadn't been to the casino in 2 years.. and I figured if he played 40 and lost it..it wouldn't be the end of the world.  but to my surprise he came home with 1000 dollars... So we decided to put it in savings, until we decide to go shopping for more stuff for the house.

 So We are still waiting for the brick to be delivered.. and no one is coming to hang sheet rock until next week.  So as far as the house goes.. I've just been twiddling my thumbs.. hoping for something to happen.

I've been waiting for SE to receive my transcript from Murray.  So I still haven't enrolled in classes for the summer semester that starts MONDAY.  I called 3 times yesterday to talk to someone.. and all I got was.. "I'll call you back" 's .. soooo I guess I'll call them in a few minutes.  I've already emailed the professor.. I didn't realize that once you are a Junior you have to go through the Faculty Advisor.. rather than just the advisement office.. but I was informed that they only advice Freshmen and Sophmores.. soo I emailed a Sociology professor.. where I was told I needed a minor.. and...there is only one Sociology class available this summer.. and I've already taken the class.. but there are tons of Psychology classes.. so I chose Psychology as my Minor.. so a Major Sociology and Minor in Psychology.  and.. so I'm waiting for the school to post my transcript and give me my log in info for their website so that I can begin my Summer semester.  I'm so excited to be crossing that "half way mark" .. :)

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and its getting brighter!

Well today I have a whole lot of nothing planned.  Tons of laundry (pun intended ^^^ look at title).. and I've been treating the carpet for fleas.. ARGH. I never had flea problems with 3 dogs.. but.. I let that Siamese cat in our house when she had her kittens.. I didn't treat her for fleas because I didn't want to harm the kittens.. and now we've got fleas. If its not one thing.. its another.

Sigh.  I hope your day is twice eventful as mine will be.

Natalie

Awkard moments in public restrooms

There is nothing more I dislike than having to #2 in a public restroom.. but.. we were no where near home.. and I had to go.. LOL.. SORRY TMI?

anyways.. I had Luke with me.. and I went into the bathroom.. One thing I learned from a friend when I was 15 and in Guadalajara.. is a thing called a "courtesy flush"... so thing won't stink.

LOL I'm laughing at myself for even sharing this.

So I'm in the bathroom stall and Luke is in the little seat for kids.. slowly slumping over.. *sigh* I'm quiet.. and doing my courtesy flush because I would be so embarassed if someone came in and made a comment about how it stinks..

HAHAHA WHY AM I TYPING THIS!?!?!

anyways.. so I'm sitting there in the quiet with Luke.. and.. 2 women walk in.. I hear them chatting *being very loud* and.. one chick tells the other chick.. "Remind me to go poop after we eat lunch.. I think it'll make me feel better"

wth? LOL.. and so I'm sitting there giggling to myself as they continue with their loud and obnoxious embarassing comments.. I was thinking to myself.. OMG I would not say these things in a public bathroom.  (the first thing I do in a public bathroom is see how many people are in the bathroom when I go LOL)

anyways.. so Luke is so quiet during the whole thing.. just smiling at me ... and while these chicks are washing their hands (I'm being quiet because I am embarassed).. LUKE OUT LETS OUT THIS HUGE LOUD SQUEAL!!!!.. and I hear one chick say to the other chick.. "Did you hear that?".. and then they ran out of the bathroom giggling.

OH MY GOSH THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE THAT A BABY WAS SQUEALING IN THE BATHROOM. I was so nervous they'd send an employee in to investigate "because someone abandoned a baby in a stall.."

and what if someone had abandoned a baby in the stall???? No one reported him squealing.. It makes me sad to think of a 5 month old left all alone by himself in the bathroom.

Sigh. thats the last time I use a public restroom.... er.. until I absolutely have to.. again.. LOL

oh my word. I ran out of the bathroom when I was finished.. I found Brian.. and I could not catch my breath because I was laughing so hard while telling him about the convo those chicks were having.


AWKWARD.

A reflection on my life

Today I thought I would write a reflection on the last 10 years of my life.  10 years ago, I was placed in foster care.  I think we all have those days that we make decisions that change everything about how the rest of our lives play out. 

I was in 8th grade, 13 years old and I absolutely refused to go home from school.  A police officer drove me to the youth shelter.  I can tell you that I had no clue what was going to happen.  I had no clue what to expect.  If you had told me that day.. That this is where I’d be.. I don’t know that I would have believed you.  At 13, I had already started trying to imagine my life in a different light.  I already wanted to be 18 and on my own.  As a child, you try to imagine how things will play out, what life will be like, and how it will feel to be free. 

I spent a month in the youth shelter.  I was asked several times to go back home.  I remember my mom coming up several times.  I still refused.  I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to live under those circumstances.  My little sister was so mad at me.  She wanted to be home with my mom.  Evelyn was her favorite.  I was taken out of the home and of course they removed Evelyn.  Evelyn spent the month in the shelter with me.  I stood my ground.  I refused to go home and we were put into separate foster homes until we could be reunited under one roof.  The purpose of foster care is not to take children away from their families but to rehabilitate those homes, and to make those homes safe for children with the hope of reuniting them.

I had been in foster care for a year and a half in May of 2003.  I still remember clearly that the State was still trying to place me back at home.  I still was in a position to say that I did not want to go home. And that I would not go home.  I don’t think I ever considered how that made anyone else feel.  I understood my mom was mentally ill.. But my moms condition really hurt me.  I cried myself to sleep very often.  My heart was broken and I did not think anyone understood.  On May 21, 2003  I went on a visit with my mom.  My older sister was going to drive us to my nieces graduation.  I stood outside the car and told my mom that there were not enough seat belts in the car.  I knew Kenia and her brother were going to be coming home with us.  My mom told me to shut up and to get into the car.  This would be a moment in her life that changed everything. 

On the way home, Kenia and Iggy were in my lap. And the last thing I remember is looking over and hearing my mom and her boyfriend scream.  I woke up 5 days later, with eyes swollen shut, and tubes coming out of my neck and mouth.  I wasn’t emotional.  Everything was fuzzy.  I felt numb when I woke up.  I was told my mom and niece had died.  I was told of my injuries.. And I remember trying to touch my face and having my hands pulled away from my face.  The first time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize myself.  I knew I was Natalie but I had no recollection of the girl in the pictures that were posted all over my hospital room.  This was a moment in my life that changed everything.  This experience rewired my brain completely. 

If you had told me that day.. That this is what would have happened to me.. I don’t think I would have believed you.  I told my mom I had a “bad” feeling but I’m pretty sure I made that up.  Those memories are fresh on my mind.  It almost feels as if it were yesterday but I still can’t believe tomorrow makes 9 years.  I was no longer pushed to go home or anywhere after my mom died.  I was just floating around in the system.  Even though I had several people offer to take me in, there was still that sense that I belonged to no one, and I had no home.  I can remember that feeling from a very early age.  I can clearly remember going through my moms things when I was 8.  I hoped I would find some little trace of something that said I wasn’t hers.  I hoped I was adopted or kidnapped or something.  I never found anything.

I spent my life never belonging anywhere.  I had my mom but what I felt was something no one should ever feel. By the time I turned 18, I was so ready to be on my own.  I knew I was responsible enough to take care of myself. I was ready to discover the world for myself.

6 years later.  9 years since the accident.  I’ve found my little niche. I won’t lie to you.  The 5 years I was in foster care were some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced.  My time in care probably wouldn’t have been so bad had I not been overwhelmed with my insecurity and depression.  But today I am depression free.  I am married, Brian and I have two beautiful children.  And I am a Junior in college.  I don’t feel any heart ache.  I am not broken.  Everyone wonders what their purpose is, or why they’re here.. I don’t think my purpose really ever dawned on me until today.  I was thinking about how happy I am.  Things that give you purpose really make you happy.  My purpose is to be a good mother, and to give my children the best life I possibly can.  There is no way for me to go back and change anything I’ve ever experienced.  I can’t take away the pain, or discomfort.  I can not replace the memories.  But as a mother today, I can provide my children so much more.  The heartache I felt has prepared me for this moment.  In this moment, I can wrap my arms around my children and squeeze them as tight as I can.  I can kiss them, and tell them how much I love them.  I don’t have those memories with my mom.  In this moment, I can give my children stability I never experienced.  I can give them memories I will never have with my parents.

Ten years ago, I would have never imagined this.  I would not have ever imagined actually being married, having children, building a home.  I was so desperate to get out of the cycle I was forced to be in, I would have done anything to get out and away.  I love my mom. I love my niece.  My love for them is something that is instilled in me.  But what has came from my decisions has most certainly been good.  I don’t look at my life as being a bad thing.  I would not want to relive any of what I’ve experienced.  Those memories are still within reach.  I know what all of it felt like.  But had I known this is where I would be at this time, I wouldn’t have been as lonely or insecure. 

My life is nothing I could have ever predicted but I am happy with where I am today.  If all I’ve been through was only for this moment of happiness, security, and fulfillment, then I’d say the last 10 years have been absolutely worth it.  I am thankful for the opportunity to live a life that is meaningful.

Sigh.. When I read what I write, it never makes sense. It doesn’t feel organized.  It feels choppy and all over the place.  Blah. Ten years is a long time.  I have a lot of memories and I’ve learned all kinds of things.

1.  Anything can happen at any time.
2.  Expect the unexpected.
3. Life is worth living.
4. I forgot. Ask me later.

-Natalie

Restless fingers make me type.

Today has been a good day.  Woke up early to a phone call from our contractor.  We went outside and he explained how we're supposed to stuff insulation around our windows and doors.  The electrician is supposed to come on Monday and we'll have brick soon after that.

We have shingles on our roof.  Its soo exciting.  I'm still painting this damn trim... white is a beautiful color but I have to do several coats because the smallest blemish shows.  Brian should be home in the next 30 minutes or so.. and he's going to help me finish.

Luke has been a good baby today.. he only cried when I went to the bathroom to do my business.. and Raegan has been very pleasant.  She looks forward to every day when Brian gets off work.  He takes her outside and she runs around our "work in progress" (our new home)

Today has went by pretty fast.. The house is quiet and I'm listening to some Jason Aldean. Ahh there are some songs that make me feel nostalgic. I can't explain the feeling it gives me.. its calming, kind of soothes my soul.  We all have those songs.. and we all know that feeling.  It feels almost as if he's singing the song to me. ah! lol

I'm trying to think of what I should say.          There is plenty I could talk about.. but with this blog being so public.. I shall restrain myself.

Anyways.. first thought in my head. I can't wait to move into our new house. (my house my house my house....yes someday I'll eventually stop talking about it)... I'm ready to deep clean everything and start over in our new house.  Brian and I never had a wedding shower.. so we didn't have tons of nice new stuff when we came home from our wedding.  We've got some stuff, new comforters and wall decor.. its all still packaged.. we're waiting until the day we move in to actually open them.  I look forward to new towels, and sheets, and pillows.. a beautiful dining room table.. and a beautiful bedroom set.  Slowly but surely.. I'm so excited to actually feel like I'm in my home, that's comfortable and not cluttered.  This house is so small.. and while I'm thankful for a roof over my head, I can't help but feel bitter and annoyed towards this house.  I've known since I moved in, that this is not my forever home.. so I've been ready to get out of it from the beginning.. and THE TIME HAS COME! :) YAY.. almost.  Sigh.

Today I miss my dear friend a bunch.  She lives in Germany for the time being... 3 years is a long time.. I'm ready for her to be back though.  I enjoy texting her every day.. and her encouragement and her opinion and her companionship.  (Pssst. Heather I'm talking about you!)

I must say.. I also can't help but think about how I'm in a really good spot.  I enjoy my life.  I haven't been this happy in ....ever.  I know life is a roller coaster.. but I'm on a good high.  I don't think I've ever been so content with life.  After I had Raegan, I had so many nervous breakdowns.. I was such an emotional wreck.  Life was really stressful.  But.. Things are so much better after Luke.  I really am happy and I enjoy every day so much.  I enjoy waking up, and I enjoy  going to bed.  I know even though things were stressful, I was happy with Raegan, but not this happy.  not this content.  Things really seem to be going my way.  I hate to jinx myself.  Being as happy as I am makes me really notice how different Brian and I are.  Not necessarily in a bad way.  I am an optimist. Brian on the other hand is a pessimist. Its frustrating.. and I point it out every time he says something negative to counteract my happiness or what I'm excited for.  Its annoying.  Of course with being a glass half full person.. I understand things go wrong.. but things also get better.. but Brian only things of the things that can go wrong.  I don't know if theres any way for me to RE-wire the way he thinks. I think he'd be a happier person if he wasn't so concerned with the things that will or won't happen, or will or won't go wrong.  Sigh.. input?

Blah blah blah..

Luke is starting to wimper.. I'm going to go roll around in the floor with him.

Natalie

What I think.

Okay no one has asked me my opinion on the Times Magazine Cover.. but.. :) I shall tell you anyways.

My opinion is that a mother should breastfeed her child as long as her child wants or needs it. Every person parents differently.  Nothing annoys me more than how the world views breastfeeding.

My personal opinion is that breastfeeding is something beautiful that was created by God and perverted by man.  I follow my instincts and I believe that allows me to be a better parent.  I don't like comparing myself to an animal.. but I guess in a sense we are all the same.  Naturally a woman has instincts that tell her and guide her on how to care for her children, and to raise them.  I don't mind a doctors advice but I prefer to follow my instincts and let my child do things at her own pace.  I understand that there are many mothers who have to work.  I understand that breastfeeding can be frustrating and that some mothers can not handle the pressures of work, their daily lives and breastfeeding.  When I had Raegan, I was a stay at home mom but I chose to formula feed. This time with Luke, I am still a stay at home mother, but I am breastfeeding Luke.  I can tell you with certainty that both experiences were and are completely different.  Raegan is still a healthy, smart and beautiful 3 year old little girl but I feel like I have a much closer bond with Luke, than I did with Raegan.  But I suppose I could also attribute how I feel about my bond with my children to their ages, Raegan is 3 and much more independent.  Luke is 4 months old and depends on me for EVERYTHING.

I enjoy being with my children everyday.  I have my moments where I would love to be with my husband.. but I'd prefer him to be home more with all of us than just alone with me.  Parenting is so hard, I won't lie.  It is a huge commitment.  Once I knew I was pregnant with Raegan, I had to evaluate myself, my life, my values and what I wanted as a parent.  My goal is to raise healthy, beautiful, caring, loving, dedicated children who love to serve others.. and wish to pursue change.  I want my children to know they can be successful and happy without seeking riches or fame.

I believe spending every day with my children gives them stability that I never had, breastfeeding Luke gives he and I a bond that I never shared with my mother.  I've never let either of my children "cry-it-out".. You may believe that's best for your family.. but I believe that if my child is crying, its for a reason.  Everyone swore up and down that Raegan was being manipulative when she cried, which was totally not true. She's such a sweet little girl, and is so funny and bright.  She is such a blessing.  I rocked Raegan to sleep every day for the first 3 years of her life.  My mom never rocked me to sleep, never held me when I cried, never kissed my booboos. I never felt comforted by her.  I believe my purpose as a mother is to defend, protect and love my children unconditionally.

I never realized that wearing your child in a wrap or sling was considered attachment parenting.  To tell you the truth I don't know anything about attachment parenting, I haven't read anything about it, but maybe I should become more informed about it.  I do everything how I want to, as I know my family and children best.  But wearing Luke in a wrap is so much easier than the days I had to carry Raegan around everywhere in a car seat, I love that Luke rests his head on my chest as I walk around wal-mart or wherever I'm shopping.  He listens to my heartbeat, and My tight embrace comforts him and makes him feel protected.  What is sweeter than that?

I don't know if I've even made how I feel clear in my post, I just feel like parenting would be so much easier if we listened to our body and instincts.  No lie, after I felt Luke, I could feel something I never felt when I first held Raegan.  It was most definitely my instincts, it was almost as if I felt a force of energy around me.  I will most definitely parent my future children the same way.  I wish I had breastfed Raegan, I believe wholeheartedly that my Post Partum experience would have been so much better and easier.  I also will breastfeed all of my future children.  It is best for my family. and I have all of the time in the world to devote to them, to nurture, cuddle and enjoy them. So I say screw the world and breastfeed your children as long as you want. We should all strive to be amazing parents, The children we raise today will be in control of the world around us in the future.  We should raise children who are compassionate, and want a better tomorrow not only for themselves but for everyone around the world.

Natalie

A Day Gone By

I have no complaints about today.  I'm able to manage two children by myself.. surprisingly well.  Brian went to work around 9 this morning.  I decided I was going to clean around our *new* house... Between listening to Luke whine, and chasing Raegan around so I could make sure she wasn't stepping on nails, or doing anything she shouldn't be... I only managed to stay out there for 45 minutes.  Its frustrating... but I've got the whole summer to get used to it.

So I finally finished the spring semester! My last at Murray!.. It was probably the easiest.. I wish I had taken those classes earlier.  I'll start the next semester at SE in just a couple of weeks.  It seems the breaks between semesters go by so fast.  Classes will start soon and I'll be stressed out, losing sleep, and pulling my hair out. 

I sold my books back to the bookstore yesterday.  I got enough back to be able to afford to get two of these stray cats spayed.  I feel sad, one of the cats is pregnant but the woman I spoke to over the phone reassured me that its better to spay her now, than wait until she has the kittens because they probably won't find homes.  She said she puts kittens to sleep every day.  It makes me sad just thinking about taking a momma cat in and her not having her kittens when she comes out.  I imagine that motherhood is the same for cats just as it is for humans.  The strong desire to love and protect your babies.  It makes me sad, I don't want to play God. I don't want to decide that her kittens aren't worth anything.  Life itself is beautiful..and if I could I would take all of the kittens.. I just wish that I had gotten her spayed sooner (to avoid her pregnancy) or that she wasn't pregnant.. because I don't want to do this.  I just can't afford to have a million cats running around, and I can't afford to spay 5-7 more kittens on top of the cats I've already got to spay.  Brian's step dad says he'll take care of the cats if I don't spay them.  When he says "take care of them" he means he'll shoot them, and make sure they're dead.  That breaks my heart too.  I've found all but one kitten a home (different momma cat)... I figured the 3 Siamese cats would go first.. everything I've read says that black cats are the most unlikely to find a home.  :( These kittens are beautiful.. again I'd keep all of them but I can't feed all of them.

Sigh.. in other news..No one has came out today to work on the house.  The contractor came over and had Brian sign some checks.. He said that some of the framers were sick but they'd be out here asap to finish the shingles and windows/doors.  He told Brian that he expects it to be done Friday.. which is a day and a half away.  We'll be painting trim soon and dragging the shingles to the roof.  I've swept inside the house a couple of times.. but the wind blows the dust back into the house.  There are plenty of nails that need to be picked up.  I really don't enjoy picking up other people's trash.  I would never go onto someone else property and throw trash and unwanted goods all across it.  We were told to put trash cans out.  But most of the men don't use them.  They throw their disgusting cigarettes down.. along with their empty cups and water bottles.  I'll be happy when this process is done.

Raegan and Luke want my attention.

I've got to go.

Natalie

Gobbledygook.

Today is slow, but not slow enough.  Brian has to go to work in a couple of hours.  We've already been outside today to walk around our unfinished frame. The contractor said yesterday that the framers would work all weekend to finish it by Monday.. but its 11:30 and theres no one out here.  I don't think anyone is going to come out today because its only going to get hotter from here.

I read some of my blogs on Myspace. Especially the very few I wrote after I had Raegan.  I read them, and I could see how helpless and hopeless I felt.  I'm glad I'm not in that position anymore.  I am happy. Very happy.

No one ever openly discusses all of the hard things they experience after having a baby.  People think of babies as being fun and cute.. but its hard, taking care of a baby and putting a baby before yourself.  Having children effects everything about your life, and how you feel, your priorities and everything else.  Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my babies. But its having gone through it once, and now experiencing everything for a second time...I'm able to see how much better things are this time around.  Everything is SO much better. I feel better. and I'm happier.  I don't feel as hopeless or helpless.  and I actually feel more like I'm serving a purpose than just existing or "babysitting".

Well.. anyways I just wanted to update that today is going good. and I'm hungry.

Rawr!

Natalie.

More of my rambling.

Okay so. jslkdfjsdlfkllskdfjsldkfjslkdfjslkfj

My news interview aired on tv the night before last.  I can't tell you how much anxiety I had, upset stomach, couldn't sleep or eat for 2 days.... and then when it aired I felt like hiding under a rock. but I've slept since then and I feel so much better.  The weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. and I got a lot of positive feedback.  I feel much much better.


So as far as the house goes.. Yesterday someone brought lumber, and other building materials. and someone else brought the shingles for the roof.  I woke up around 7 this morning and there were men out there.. They're still outside working on our frame! It should be done before Monday!... Oh and Someone just brought our windows and doors.  This is so exciting! asl;dkfjasl;kdfjasl;dkfjasdl;kfjasdl;kfjas;ldkfj :) This process has been long, and excruciating but this is making me so happy!

When the dirt was poured ...Raegan referred to the area as a "Mountain"... and she still calls it a mountain even though theres a concrete slab and.. lumber.  We go out there every evening when Brian gets off work. She loves running around.  I have a feeling she's going to love this evening even more.. because she'll get to "run" through every room.

Luke has no personal opinion about the house.. He's the silent/quiet type. lol.. He's about like Brian.. He shows no emotions.  He's currently laying in his bassinet next to me.. sucking on his pacifier and wrapped in a blanket that was given to him by his cousin Evie Lou.  He's too cute. He's beautiful.. I love looking at him, his smile is gorgeous..

His eyes are starting to roll around.. and he's drifting to sleep. Lets see how long this lasts. Raegan has a radar like no other.  The moment he starts falling asleep she always starts dancing and running around the room.

Luke just smiled and closed his eyes. Sweet dreams.

So I finished my final for my "Deviance, Crime and Delinquency" class.  I did it while Raegan cried, and Luke screamed.. yet I managed to make an 84 on it.  So my final grade is a 79.. who knows if my professor will round it to a B.. or what.

and.. in my other sociology class .. I've got a final over terms in our text book. There is no reason I can't make a 100 on this test.. and if I make a 100, it'll bring my grade up from a 93 to a 98.... woohoo. As my GPA goes up, so does my brain cell count..lol

I'm trying to think of more to say....but if I go any further I'll just be rambling. :) So I'm going to end this short, choppy post. :)

Have a lovely day..

P.S. Raegan felt the need to run up behind me and slap my flabby love handles. Nice.
Natalie

Nasty little wench.

Okay so I did an interview with our local news station. It was supposed to be about my experience dealing with my plastic surgery but I think it ended up being more about my recovery and how my injuries effected me after the accident.

At this moment it is 12:35 a.m. And I can't sleep because of my anxiety. I feel like an idiot. The last thing I want to do is make an idiot of myself on tv. But a friend told me that "you are your harshest critic." to be honest, I feel like I said too much and too little. But I'm going to be okay. At least that is what I keep telling myself. I don't feel I'm as amazing as what people say, or that my story is that amazing. It's filled with twists and turns. I've had no choice but to live it. I completely understand why some actors and actresses don't watch movies they're in. There's so much pressure.
Breathe slowly...I also have this fear that the reporter is going to twist my words or make me look bad for sweeps. Ahh! I've seen too many chick flicks...examples being "Little Black Book" and "Bruce almighty" (the characters fight for sweeps in the movie) anyways, I think I'll survive. But I may hide in a shell for a few days. I've been so completely honest with everyone about my entire life, I think I'm most worried about negative reviews. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has felt how I've felt growing up...but I suppose that my experience is unique in the sense that I just shared my feelings with viewers all over North Texas and SE Oklahoma.

Honesty is the best policy....I hope. ... I rebuke this anxiety. It has no place in my life.

*twiddle's thumbs* sigh.

Oh and the nasty little wench is my anxiety. Couldn't think of a clever title. :)
-Natalie

Procrastination at its best.

Today has gone by fast.. I suppose. I've just been around the house.. I've done at least one load of laundry.  I made myself get dressed, even though I'd prefer to be in sweats, and bra-less in a tank.

Raegan, Luke and I just got back home from eating a late lunch at Subway. I like Subway yes, but if you eat something healthy then its not bad..right? just go with it.

No one has been out here today (working on the house).. Brian called me from work, he got tickets for the Playoffs OKC Thunder VS. Dallas Mavericks.  Cool. The game is tomorrow night. Lame.

I'm not really a fan of sports, so naturally he'd want to take someone other than me. no big deal I wouldn't enjoy it.       but there is nothing else for me to do except stay home with the kids.. which I do every day. No biggie.. I'm not complaining.. but I'd enjoy doing something with him. blah. either way. I hope he has fun and that its a safe trip... so I can hold it over his head when I want to do something. :)

I still haven't started my homework. I keep telling myself to do it.. but If anyone knows anything about me and homework. I always do it last minute.. and I always manage to get it done/pass. (of course thats no reason to procrastinate...) Procrastination adds stress cause I knowwww I need to do it. I just have Junioritus.. (kinda like Senioritus)

blah. I've torn the house up... Raegan somehow manages to lose all of her shoes.. We bought her a pair of flip flops from Old Navy.. apparently the house ate them. I've looked in and under everything and I've found no trace of them.  So she was wearing another set of flip flops and now I can only find ONE of them... sooo I found some sandals.. that she hasn't worn in forever but they're somehow the perfect size now.. lets hope she doesn't lose them.

I guess we'll find all kinds of things when we officially start moving into our new house. Cd's, shoes, batteries, socks, underwear... I bet they're all hiding in the same place. ugh.. where ever that is.

Raegan is currently sorting through her crayons.. and Luke is bouncing and kicking in his bouncer.  He pooped this morning. I didn't notice until it was running down his back and into the seat of his jumperoo. So I've got to clean that next. Oh and he decided to projectile spit-up all over the blanket that I washed yesterday.

My work never ends.  The kids always make sure there is something for me to do.

On that note, I am going to go give Raegan a shower.. and  rub all of the black and orange marker off her fingers, toes, stomach and legs.

Because that is what mommies do.

Natalie.

What is the point?

This morning I rambled to a friend about why blogging, writing in a journal and whatever else is important.

So I thought I would expand upon this subject.  I want to tell the reasons why I believe writing is important.

The reason I write is simple.  Its documentation of my life.  I have this irrational fear of dying (which is no surprise) but also of dying and being forgotten. I just don't like the thought of not being alive and leaving nothing of myself.

.. My point is that I am able to write my life out.  Its proof that I was here. Proof that I lived.

Another reason I write is because it gives others, a glimpse of who I am, or who I was.

I'm really into genealogy. I enjoy researching my family, and staring at census for hours... in my most recent searches, I learned that my Great Great Great Grandmother did not know how to write, (I assume she couldn't read either).  Honestly nothing bugs me more than my desire to know who my ancestors were but to have nothing left from them.  I imagine handwriting, and their voices.  I think it'd be amazingly awesome to be able to travel through time and to see the way they lived, and how they felt about life.

Anyways, back to my point.  My great great great grandmother couldn't write, not even her name.  This was the case with many people way back when.  In our country today EVERYONE has the right to an education.  Its so sad that people (as recent as 200 years ago) couldn't even write, and had no schooling.

It is a blessing to be able to read and write.  There are still people around the world who do not have this luxury.  Writing is a blessing in which I want to use the most of.  I wish to write to not only inspire, but to also leave a piece of myself.  What I am writing is history.  The story of my life is important and would most be valuable to those who read it in the future.  I imagine someone reading my thoughts, stories of my struggles and victories 200 years from now.  I imagine that times would have changed drastically.

It is impossible to count the benefits of writing.  I believe it is important to take advantage of writing.  Its an amazing opportunity that we have here, now in this moment. I began writing in a journal when I was 13 years old.  I was in the youth shelter, waiting to be placed in a foster home.  I still have that journal.  Sometimes I think of myself as a pack rat. I keep things that I feel are important to me.  I don't hoard things.. but I have many things that mean something to me.  I have several other journals I've kept.  I wrote in my journal on May 20, 2003.  The day before my whole life changed.  and I wrote in my journal on June 2nd, 2003, the same day I was released from the hospital.  I have everything documented.  I can read those words and go back to that moment when I wrote those words.  I don't know what I'd remember or not remember had I not written about it before and after.  My writing, gives me a glimpse of who I was before and of who I am now.  We as humans evolve as we get older.  Our priorities change, For most of us (not all of us) our way of thinking changes as well.  I like to go back and read to myself the words I thought at one time.  and I say to myself.. "Wow!"

I wish to leave my imprint somewhere, and writing allows me to.

OH AND LUKE ROLLED COMPLETELY OVER TODAY! HE'S 4 DAYS SHY OF 4 MONTHS OLD!!

Natalie