Its 6:25 in the morning. Literally the only time this house is quiet. I prefer to write when there is silence. It allows me to think clearly and say exactly what I meant to say. I wish I could wake up every morning and write. I'm always thinking. I've had a lot of things on my mind. The things I think about are a never ending cycle. I think about them every day. So these are my thoughts. I'm putting them out into the world. I hope that it can be understood.
I have always been a deep thinker. A philosopher of life and what it means. I can remember at thirteen, staying the night with a friend.. being awake in the early morning hours just talking to her..and she asked why I thought about "those things"...I can't remember the exact conversation but I'm sure it was along the lines of God, Heaven and dying. For years I have thought about death. Every day. I can't remember it before the accident but especially after. I went from riding in a car home, to airborne, then being revived multiple times. Every time I've gotten in a car I've wondered if that would be the time or day I die. I guess its kind of an anxiety that developed from being in a car accident I died in but was brought back from. I tell myself that my thoughts are irrational. Theres no need to think about it every time I get in a car. I can't help but wonder if I were in another car accident, would I be so lucky to survive.
The two most common things I hear from strangers is:
1. Wow, you are lucky to be alive! ....and I'm thinking duh.. but I suppose its an icebreaker, and maybe the only thing they can think of to say to keep me from noticing that my scars are the first thing they notice.
2. The most religious people always tell me that God has a miraculous plan for my life....
I can't imagine what the plan could be. I share my personal experiences with people I know because it makes me feel better. The words take a weight off my chest but there are some people I know who haven't read my blog but if they did, I'm 99% sure they'd disagree with anything I've recollected about my life or experiences. If there is anything I hate, its being called a liar. My mom never believed anything I said so when someone doesn't believe me it brings about feelings that I don't like. Though I know what I may share may be hard to believe, I am at peace with myself and I know of these experiences to be true to me.
I wanted to see Heaven Is For Real months ago. It was in movie theaters during finals week last spring but nothing worked out. So yesterday I was watching tv in passing and saw that it was on the Starz channels which we don't normally pay for but I convinced Brian to subscribe to Starz just so I could watch it.
My first thought of the movie was that it was slow. It was not a tearjerker for me but it did do something else. I felt a lump in my throat through the entire movie. It was especially noticeable to me because I never have that feeling. I couldn't help but think about my own near death experience. I could relate to the father character because I understood the struggle to believe something so unimaginable. We hear about Heaven all of the time through the church and Bible. We encounter the notion of afterlife on a daily basis but we struggle with the unknown. So his doubt and journey to believing was especially moving for me.
I've shared my experience maybe twice that I could think of...There was once I felt led to share my experience at church but when I approached the pastor, he quickly shot me down. I can't remember his exact words but I felt embarrassed and stupid. Likely feelings related to my social anxiety. It took a lot from me to even consider sharing something I've hidden in my heart. I've struggled with sharing the experience with anyone since. I also never returned to the church.
The experience I can't explain happened at the time of the accident. The moments after the accident I can remember saying my moms' name. Kaylena. over and over. Apparently I was being asked my name but the only name I could get out while choking on blood was my mothers. There were five days between the time that occurred and the moment I woke up in the hospital. There were two more days that passed before I was told that my mom and niece had died. My eyes were swollen shut. I could not talk because of the tracheotomy that had been performed. I can remember the moment when Sheila told me that momma and Kenia were dead. I couldn't see Sheila but I remember her voice. When she told me, I couldn't speak but the first thing I thought was "I know."
As I sit here.. I wonder how could I possibly know? At that moment in time when I thought those words, I was so drugged up and being weaned off of medications that had been used to sedate me.. I was only awake for a few minutes at a time ..those few minutes were far to short for me to explain by using a board with letters and numbers to spell words. After that .. I never told anyone what had happened between the time I was saying my mom's name and waking up.
What I kept to myself was this....
an overwhelming feeling of peace. happiness. I always think of it as butterflies in your stomach. There was a bright light all around. It was the most beautiful peaceful thing. Nothing I have ever felt before or after this could even compare. I couldn't see my body but I was there. I also felt the presence of my mom. my niece and I felt God. There was no sense of time. I just knew I was there with them. I remember a feeling of not wanting to leave but knowing I had to.
This experience being real is the only way I can explain knowing my mom and Kenia were dead.
So of course google says that a feeling of euphoria can occur due to a large loss of blood. but I'm not doctor.. and while science can do a lot of things..I trust my body, I trust my feelings, I trust my heart when I say I believe in God and Heaven.
I suppose that maybe the experience may have been why I never really felt bothered by their deaths. Though I love them.. and I can only remember crying about them maybe twice...I just never felt overwhelmed by their deaths because I knew they are in heaven.
I hear repeatedly that this story of my life is amazing. I'm in some way remarkable. I don't see it and I don't feel it. You've probably read what I've thought and said.. "thats all you've got?" but I plan to go about my day. as usual. Knowing in my heart that this is real. After watching this movie I don't have to hide something so personal. I am not alone and others have struggled with understanding what can't possibly be true. I've read some about others NDE and its interesting how similar some can be.. even when I had never shared or read into anyone elses experiences before. How can someone explain the same things occurring in individuals who don't know each other...How do I explain being with momma and Kenia in total serenity during a time when they were no longer alive.. It was real.
Heaven is for real.
-Natalie
Friday, December 19, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Updates! Birth Story!
It has been a few months since I have updated my blog. I think now is the perfect time. I graduated from ECU with my Bachelors degree in May. I applied for graduate school and got accepted! I've been taking classes since August and everything has been going well. Anna went home in June. :( We miss her dearly. We decided we would take on another foreign exchange student so we chose Katharina! We picked her up from the airport on August 19th. She has been a lot of fun.
So now on to why I am writing. I believe I mentioned in a previous post that we found out we were expecting our third child who was due in October. My pregnancy had been pretty easy, no weight gain or loss. Nausea had subsided. but in the last couple of weeks I had become increasingly tired. My blood pressure was high at every single appointment I attended....but there was never any protein in my urine so the dr. said I was fine, and he wasn't concerned about anything. In the last few weeks I had kept telling Brian I didn't think I'd make it to 40 weeks. Probably for no other reason other than I was exhausted and ready to have baby. Pretty sure I complained on face book every single day about rolling in bed and being exhausted. So at my last appointment I was 34 weeks, my bp was much higher than it had been at my previous appointments.. and Dr. W said I should come in if I felt like my blood pressure was up. Tuesday came around and it was the day before my 36 week appointment. I felt super tired, and although I had had swelling for a few days it had went down some from earlier in the week. Brian being the man I married, knows my love language. You know the one "do everything you can to annoy your wife".. and I knew my blood pressure had gone up from being annoyed but a little while later I didn't feel like it was going down like it should have once I was calm.
I told Brian I was going to walmart to check my blood pressure, and it was 157/109. I called Dr. W's office while walking down the shampoo aisle and the woman on the phone told me that I should go home and rest for 30 mins or so and recheck my blood pressure. I felt fine except a little shortness of breath so I bought a blood pressure monitor, went home.. laid in bed.. and checked it again where it was 146/103 and.. I called the office back.. the nurse told me to go ahead and come in to be evaluated...
soo I showered, and left Brian home with the kids because I was sure I'd be sent home.. you know me. I'm paranoid about every thing. I called Cathy and asked her to come sit with me because I'd be by myself otherwise. She didn't hesitate to meet me at the hospital... My blood pressure was high still something/105 and then some time went by and my blood was taken.. and my urine.. then a few hours later a nurse comes in and says "Well you have pre-eclampsia, so you are having baby tonight er.. in the morning".. This is the part where they began my induction.. My first round of cytotec was given at midnight.. I can't tell you what happened between midnight and 4 a.m. lol pretty sure I wasn't asleep, Cathy was snoring.. and.. the nurse came back to check me .. I was still at 1-2 cm.. so I was on my 2nd round of cytotec..and at 7 am I started feeling some painful contractions on the lower half of my stomach. So my lovely nurse Kay checked me and said I was 6-7 cm. .. I told her if my water broke baby was coming fast so she went to get things prepared, Cathy had to leave for work and I had to call Brian to tell him to get there fast because baby was coming soon.
I spent the next little bit by myself. clawing at the bed because my contractions were so incredibly painful. The next thing I knew the anesthesiologist was there for my epidural. He told me he had enough time for one stick.. because he was sure I was ready to deliver. I told her him I didn't have time to go over the consent stuff. So he gave me the epidural and I could feel baby's head right where it should have been I was 9 cm and my water still hadn't broken. Dr W. was sitting on a stool/roll-y chair and asking me to slide down in the bed where they'd put my feet in stirrups.
The next part is fuzzy. apparently the combo of an epidural and magnesium can make your blood pressure plummet. I remember the anesthesiologist in my face saying that he was going to give me a shot of epinephrin and then asking me "hey didn't I see you the other day?".. lol he had put Luke to sleep when Luke had his dental work days earlier. My face lost all of the color and my hands were bluish (from what I remember) I was so extremely tired, too tired to cut the umbilical cord and so Dr. W cut it and Brian walked through the door.
The rest is fuzzy. I remember being rolled down to my room, and Brian talking to me, but I was so in and out of it.. I was so sleepy ..I kept nodding off.. but by that night I felt a lot better. Callie Elizabeth Jane was born at 8:45 a.m. weighing 5lbs 3.6 oz. As healthy as could be.
I never even considered that I could have a preemie baby but I did.. and she's so tiny and cute. I love her already. Raegan and Luke are in love with her. She has a full head of dark blonde hair.
I'll think of more to say later.
So now on to why I am writing. I believe I mentioned in a previous post that we found out we were expecting our third child who was due in October. My pregnancy had been pretty easy, no weight gain or loss. Nausea had subsided. but in the last couple of weeks I had become increasingly tired. My blood pressure was high at every single appointment I attended....but there was never any protein in my urine so the dr. said I was fine, and he wasn't concerned about anything. In the last few weeks I had kept telling Brian I didn't think I'd make it to 40 weeks. Probably for no other reason other than I was exhausted and ready to have baby. Pretty sure I complained on face book every single day about rolling in bed and being exhausted. So at my last appointment I was 34 weeks, my bp was much higher than it had been at my previous appointments.. and Dr. W said I should come in if I felt like my blood pressure was up. Tuesday came around and it was the day before my 36 week appointment. I felt super tired, and although I had had swelling for a few days it had went down some from earlier in the week. Brian being the man I married, knows my love language. You know the one "do everything you can to annoy your wife".. and I knew my blood pressure had gone up from being annoyed but a little while later I didn't feel like it was going down like it should have once I was calm.
I told Brian I was going to walmart to check my blood pressure, and it was 157/109. I called Dr. W's office while walking down the shampoo aisle and the woman on the phone told me that I should go home and rest for 30 mins or so and recheck my blood pressure. I felt fine except a little shortness of breath so I bought a blood pressure monitor, went home.. laid in bed.. and checked it again where it was 146/103 and.. I called the office back.. the nurse told me to go ahead and come in to be evaluated...
soo I showered, and left Brian home with the kids because I was sure I'd be sent home.. you know me. I'm paranoid about every thing. I called Cathy and asked her to come sit with me because I'd be by myself otherwise. She didn't hesitate to meet me at the hospital... My blood pressure was high still something/105 and then some time went by and my blood was taken.. and my urine.. then a few hours later a nurse comes in and says "Well you have pre-eclampsia, so you are having baby tonight er.. in the morning".. This is the part where they began my induction.. My first round of cytotec was given at midnight.. I can't tell you what happened between midnight and 4 a.m. lol pretty sure I wasn't asleep, Cathy was snoring.. and.. the nurse came back to check me .. I was still at 1-2 cm.. so I was on my 2nd round of cytotec..and at 7 am I started feeling some painful contractions on the lower half of my stomach. So my lovely nurse Kay checked me and said I was 6-7 cm. .. I told her if my water broke baby was coming fast so she went to get things prepared, Cathy had to leave for work and I had to call Brian to tell him to get there fast because baby was coming soon.
I spent the next little bit by myself. clawing at the bed because my contractions were so incredibly painful. The next thing I knew the anesthesiologist was there for my epidural. He told me he had enough time for one stick.. because he was sure I was ready to deliver. I told her him I didn't have time to go over the consent stuff. So he gave me the epidural and I could feel baby's head right where it should have been I was 9 cm and my water still hadn't broken. Dr W. was sitting on a stool/roll-y chair and asking me to slide down in the bed where they'd put my feet in stirrups.
The next part is fuzzy. apparently the combo of an epidural and magnesium can make your blood pressure plummet. I remember the anesthesiologist in my face saying that he was going to give me a shot of epinephrin and then asking me "hey didn't I see you the other day?".. lol he had put Luke to sleep when Luke had his dental work days earlier. My face lost all of the color and my hands were bluish (from what I remember) I was so extremely tired, too tired to cut the umbilical cord and so Dr. W cut it and Brian walked through the door.
The rest is fuzzy. I remember being rolled down to my room, and Brian talking to me, but I was so in and out of it.. I was so sleepy ..I kept nodding off.. but by that night I felt a lot better. Callie Elizabeth Jane was born at 8:45 a.m. weighing 5lbs 3.6 oz. As healthy as could be.
I never even considered that I could have a preemie baby but I did.. and she's so tiny and cute. I love her already. Raegan and Luke are in love with her. She has a full head of dark blonde hair.
I'll think of more to say later.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
Filling in Gaps
Okay so here I am. Christmas has come and gone. I've wanted to blog for a while but life happens and ....sometimes I just don't feel like I have much to say. So let me fill in everything that has happened since my last post.
not really anything.
haha. Christmas came, we have 2 foreign exchange students who are living with us now. Laura leaves in February and Anna will be here until the middle of June. Christmas was nice. Raegan and Luke had a lot of fun. My final semester has began. Its kind of nerve-racking but I believe I will do alright.
The first day of class kind of sucked. I woke up with a migraine but I didn't want to miss class because I really enjoy school. So I went to class...I had brain fog so bad I couldn't even remember people I've had several classes with. Later that day I finally convinced Brian to take me to the emergency room because I was in so much pain.
I was actually surprised when I saw the doctor because he had actually helped deliver Luke, but at that time he was just an intern. I told him that my migraine felt like the one I had in June 2012 where I had a seizure. He tried to convince me that I was just having a tension headache. I got a shot in the butt, and if you know me.. I hate needles and I've refused shots in the butt many times but I felt horrible. SO I came home.. and the shot did nothing for me. I felt sick many times during the night.. I woke up in the middle of the night and could not sleep so I got on facebook and started chatting with Heather at 4 in the morning.
At one point I thought I had fallen asleep while talking to her but it turns out I had lost consciousness because I had a seizure. Of course I didn't realize I had had a seizure. I woke up and felt this fuzzy feeling.. which I recognized but it didn't hit me that I had had a seizure.. so I went to class and felt anxious. I came home.. and later that night I cried myself to sleep. The anxiety was ridiculous. I never cry.. I never cry myself to sleep and I never have anxiety about my scars like I did the other night.
I hate seizures.. it makes me feel so unlike myself. Its the most disgusting creepy feeling I have ever felt. Sooo I'm currently trying to get all of this insurance crap figured out because I need to go to the neurologist. and I feel like I need to start all over. I find it hard to believe that I am having migraines.. although..that is what I was diagnosed with nearly 11 years ago. I've not felt content with that answer.. especially when nothing as ever relieved what I feel.
My anxiety is finally gone and I feel so much better. I've already started having my regular headaches though..and I just treat them with tylenol. Hopefully I can survive this semester and there won't be much that interferes with me attending school. I am super excited to graduate. Every time I think about it.. tears swell up in my eyes. No one can possibly understand how excited I am.
In other news... Raegan has started back at school and I am attending school every day in Ada. Its already kind of exhausting but it'll be okay once I get this schedule down. Luke is growing so much. He's talking so much and is so entertaining. I can't believe how fast the two of them have grown. We took Raegan to an arcade place where she got to play games and jump in a bounce house. She was so worn out...
Raegan turned 5 on January 6th. She really didn't want to turn 5.. so I just let her think she turned 6. It was pretty funny. Brian turned 34 the other day. He had a good birthday.. (I had my migraine) but other than that everything is pretty normal.
Everything is going well.....and I am excited for the end of the semester!!!!! :)
I guess I'll go now.. but I plan to update rather soon because I have a lot of things to write about.. except I need to focus when I write it out... I've got two kids who are running around screaming and refusing to go to bed right now. Thats my main focus. I want to wind down and go to sleeeeeep!
Love Always,
Natalie
not really anything.
haha. Christmas came, we have 2 foreign exchange students who are living with us now. Laura leaves in February and Anna will be here until the middle of June. Christmas was nice. Raegan and Luke had a lot of fun. My final semester has began. Its kind of nerve-racking but I believe I will do alright.
The first day of class kind of sucked. I woke up with a migraine but I didn't want to miss class because I really enjoy school. So I went to class...I had brain fog so bad I couldn't even remember people I've had several classes with. Later that day I finally convinced Brian to take me to the emergency room because I was in so much pain.
I was actually surprised when I saw the doctor because he had actually helped deliver Luke, but at that time he was just an intern. I told him that my migraine felt like the one I had in June 2012 where I had a seizure. He tried to convince me that I was just having a tension headache. I got a shot in the butt, and if you know me.. I hate needles and I've refused shots in the butt many times but I felt horrible. SO I came home.. and the shot did nothing for me. I felt sick many times during the night.. I woke up in the middle of the night and could not sleep so I got on facebook and started chatting with Heather at 4 in the morning.
At one point I thought I had fallen asleep while talking to her but it turns out I had lost consciousness because I had a seizure. Of course I didn't realize I had had a seizure. I woke up and felt this fuzzy feeling.. which I recognized but it didn't hit me that I had had a seizure.. so I went to class and felt anxious. I came home.. and later that night I cried myself to sleep. The anxiety was ridiculous. I never cry.. I never cry myself to sleep and I never have anxiety about my scars like I did the other night.
I hate seizures.. it makes me feel so unlike myself. Its the most disgusting creepy feeling I have ever felt. Sooo I'm currently trying to get all of this insurance crap figured out because I need to go to the neurologist. and I feel like I need to start all over. I find it hard to believe that I am having migraines.. although..that is what I was diagnosed with nearly 11 years ago. I've not felt content with that answer.. especially when nothing as ever relieved what I feel.
My anxiety is finally gone and I feel so much better. I've already started having my regular headaches though..and I just treat them with tylenol. Hopefully I can survive this semester and there won't be much that interferes with me attending school. I am super excited to graduate. Every time I think about it.. tears swell up in my eyes. No one can possibly understand how excited I am.
In other news... Raegan has started back at school and I am attending school every day in Ada. Its already kind of exhausting but it'll be okay once I get this schedule down. Luke is growing so much. He's talking so much and is so entertaining. I can't believe how fast the two of them have grown. We took Raegan to an arcade place where she got to play games and jump in a bounce house. She was so worn out...
Raegan turned 5 on January 6th. She really didn't want to turn 5.. so I just let her think she turned 6. It was pretty funny. Brian turned 34 the other day. He had a good birthday.. (I had my migraine) but other than that everything is pretty normal.
Everything is going well.....and I am excited for the end of the semester!!!!! :)
I guess I'll go now.. but I plan to update rather soon because I have a lot of things to write about.. except I need to focus when I write it out... I've got two kids who are running around screaming and refusing to go to bed right now. Thats my main focus. I want to wind down and go to sleeeeeep!
Love Always,
Natalie
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