Today I thought I would write a reflection on the last 10 years of my life. 10 years ago, I was placed in foster care. I think we all have those days that we make decisions that change everything about how the rest of our lives play out.
I was in 8th grade, 13 years old and I absolutely refused to go home from school. A police officer drove me to the youth shelter. I can tell you that I had no clue what was going to happen. I had no clue what to expect. If you had told me that day.. That this is where I’d be.. I don’t know that I would have believed you. At 13, I had already started trying to imagine my life in a different light. I already wanted to be 18 and on my own. As a child, you try to imagine how things will play out, what life will be like, and how it will feel to be free.
I spent a month in the youth shelter. I was asked several times to go back home. I remember my mom coming up several times. I still refused. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to live under those circumstances. My little sister was so mad at me. She wanted to be home with my mom. Evelyn was her favorite. I was taken out of the home and of course they removed Evelyn. Evelyn spent the month in the shelter with me. I stood my ground. I refused to go home and we were put into separate foster homes until we could be reunited under one roof. The purpose of foster care is not to take children away from their families but to rehabilitate those homes, and to make those homes safe for children with the hope of reuniting them.
I had been in foster care for a year and a half in May of 2003. I still remember clearly that the State was still trying to place me back at home. I still was in a position to say that I did not want to go home. And that I would not go home. I don’t think I ever considered how that made anyone else feel. I understood my mom was mentally ill.. But my moms condition really hurt me. I cried myself to sleep very often. My heart was broken and I did not think anyone understood. On May 21, 2003 I went on a visit with my mom. My older sister was going to drive us to my nieces graduation. I stood outside the car and told my mom that there were not enough seat belts in the car. I knew Kenia and her brother were going to be coming home with us. My mom told me to shut up and to get into the car. This would be a moment in her life that changed everything.
On the way home, Kenia and Iggy were in my lap. And the last thing I remember is looking over and hearing my mom and her boyfriend scream. I woke up 5 days later, with eyes swollen shut, and tubes coming out of my neck and mouth. I wasn’t emotional. Everything was fuzzy. I felt numb when I woke up. I was told my mom and niece had died. I was told of my injuries.. And I remember trying to touch my face and having my hands pulled away from my face. The first time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize myself. I knew I was Natalie but I had no recollection of the girl in the pictures that were posted all over my hospital room. This was a moment in my life that changed everything. This experience rewired my brain completely.
If you had told me that day.. That this is what would have happened to me.. I don’t think I would have believed you. I told my mom I had a “bad” feeling but I’m pretty sure I made that up. Those memories are fresh on my mind. It almost feels as if it were yesterday but I still can’t believe tomorrow makes 9 years. I was no longer pushed to go home or anywhere after my mom died. I was just floating around in the system. Even though I had several people offer to take me in, there was still that sense that I belonged to no one, and I had no home. I can remember that feeling from a very early age. I can clearly remember going through my moms things when I was 8. I hoped I would find some little trace of something that said I wasn’t hers. I hoped I was adopted or kidnapped or something. I never found anything.
I spent my life never belonging anywhere. I had my mom but what I felt was something no one should ever feel. By the time I turned 18, I was so ready to be on my own. I knew I was responsible enough to take care of myself. I was ready to discover the world for myself.
6 years later. 9 years since the accident. I’ve found my little niche. I won’t lie to you. The 5 years I was in foster care were some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced. My time in care probably wouldn’t have been so bad had I not been overwhelmed with my insecurity and depression. But today I am depression free. I am married, Brian and I have two beautiful children. And I am a Junior in college. I don’t feel any heart ache. I am not broken. Everyone wonders what their purpose is, or why they’re here.. I don’t think my purpose really ever dawned on me until today. I was thinking about how happy I am. Things that give you purpose really make you happy. My purpose is to be a good mother, and to give my children the best life I possibly can. There is no way for me to go back and change anything I’ve ever experienced. I can’t take away the pain, or discomfort. I can not replace the memories. But as a mother today, I can provide my children so much more. The heartache I felt has prepared me for this moment. In this moment, I can wrap my arms around my children and squeeze them as tight as I can. I can kiss them, and tell them how much I love them. I don’t have those memories with my mom. In this moment, I can give my children stability I never experienced. I can give them memories I will never have with my parents.
Ten years ago, I would have never imagined this. I would not have ever imagined actually being married, having children, building a home. I was so desperate to get out of the cycle I was forced to be in, I would have done anything to get out and away. I love my mom. I love my niece. My love for them is something that is instilled in me. But what has came from my decisions has most certainly been good. I don’t look at my life as being a bad thing. I would not want to relive any of what I’ve experienced. Those memories are still within reach. I know what all of it felt like. But had I known this is where I would be at this time, I wouldn’t have been as lonely or insecure.
My life is nothing I could have ever predicted but I am happy with where I am today. If all I’ve been through was only for this moment of happiness, security, and fulfillment, then I’d say the last 10 years have been absolutely worth it. I am thankful for the opportunity to live a life that is meaningful.
Sigh.. When I read what I write, it never makes sense. It doesn’t feel organized. It feels choppy and all over the place. Blah. Ten years is a long time. I have a lot of memories and I’ve learned all kinds of things.
1. Anything can happen at any time.
2. Expect the unexpected.
3. Life is worth living.
4. I forgot. Ask me later.
-Natalie
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