Today has gone by fast.. I suppose. I've just been around the house.. I've done at least one load of laundry. I made myself get dressed, even though I'd prefer to be in sweats, and bra-less in a tank.
Raegan, Luke and I just got back home from eating a late lunch at Subway. I like Subway yes, but if you eat something healthy then its not bad..right? just go with it.
No one has been out here today (working on the house).. Brian called me from work, he got tickets for the Playoffs OKC Thunder VS. Dallas Mavericks. Cool. The game is tomorrow night. Lame.
I'm not really a fan of sports, so naturally he'd want to take someone other than me. no big deal I wouldn't enjoy it. but there is nothing else for me to do except stay home with the kids.. which I do every day. No biggie.. I'm not complaining.. but I'd enjoy doing something with him. blah. either way. I hope he has fun and that its a safe trip... so I can hold it over his head when I want to do something. :)
I still haven't started my homework. I keep telling myself to do it.. but If anyone knows anything about me and homework. I always do it last minute.. and I always manage to get it done/pass. (of course thats no reason to procrastinate...) Procrastination adds stress cause I knowwww I need to do it. I just have Junioritus.. (kinda like Senioritus)
blah. I've torn the house up... Raegan somehow manages to lose all of her shoes.. We bought her a pair of flip flops from Old Navy.. apparently the house ate them. I've looked in and under everything and I've found no trace of them. So she was wearing another set of flip flops and now I can only find ONE of them... sooo I found some sandals.. that she hasn't worn in forever but they're somehow the perfect size now.. lets hope she doesn't lose them.
I guess we'll find all kinds of things when we officially start moving into our new house. Cd's, shoes, batteries, socks, underwear... I bet they're all hiding in the same place. ugh.. where ever that is.
Raegan is currently sorting through her crayons.. and Luke is bouncing and kicking in his bouncer. He pooped this morning. I didn't notice until it was running down his back and into the seat of his jumperoo. So I've got to clean that next. Oh and he decided to projectile spit-up all over the blanket that I washed yesterday.
My work never ends. The kids always make sure there is something for me to do.
On that note, I am going to go give Raegan a shower.. and rub all of the black and orange marker off her fingers, toes, stomach and legs.
Because that is what mommies do.
Natalie.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
What is the point?
This morning I rambled to a friend about why blogging, writing in a journal and whatever else is important.
So I thought I would expand upon this subject. I want to tell the reasons why I believe writing is important.
The reason I write is simple. Its documentation of my life. I have this irrational fear of dying (which is no surprise) but also of dying and being forgotten. I just don't like the thought of not being alive and leaving nothing of myself.
.. My point is that I am able to write my life out. Its proof that I was here. Proof that I lived.
Another reason I write is because it gives others, a glimpse of who I am, or who I was.
I'm really into genealogy. I enjoy researching my family, and staring at census for hours... in my most recent searches, I learned that my Great Great Great Grandmother did not know how to write, (I assume she couldn't read either). Honestly nothing bugs me more than my desire to know who my ancestors were but to have nothing left from them. I imagine handwriting, and their voices. I think it'd be amazingly awesome to be able to travel through time and to see the way they lived, and how they felt about life.
Anyways, back to my point. My great great great grandmother couldn't write, not even her name. This was the case with many people way back when. In our country today EVERYONE has the right to an education. Its so sad that people (as recent as 200 years ago) couldn't even write, and had no schooling.
It is a blessing to be able to read and write. There are still people around the world who do not have this luxury. Writing is a blessing in which I want to use the most of. I wish to write to not only inspire, but to also leave a piece of myself. What I am writing is history. The story of my life is important and would most be valuable to those who read it in the future. I imagine someone reading my thoughts, stories of my struggles and victories 200 years from now. I imagine that times would have changed drastically.
It is impossible to count the benefits of writing. I believe it is important to take advantage of writing. Its an amazing opportunity that we have here, now in this moment. I began writing in a journal when I was 13 years old. I was in the youth shelter, waiting to be placed in a foster home. I still have that journal. Sometimes I think of myself as a pack rat. I keep things that I feel are important to me. I don't hoard things.. but I have many things that mean something to me. I have several other journals I've kept. I wrote in my journal on May 20, 2003. The day before my whole life changed. and I wrote in my journal on June 2nd, 2003, the same day I was released from the hospital. I have everything documented. I can read those words and go back to that moment when I wrote those words. I don't know what I'd remember or not remember had I not written about it before and after. My writing, gives me a glimpse of who I was before and of who I am now. We as humans evolve as we get older. Our priorities change, For most of us (not all of us) our way of thinking changes as well. I like to go back and read to myself the words I thought at one time. and I say to myself.. "Wow!"
I wish to leave my imprint somewhere, and writing allows me to.
OH AND LUKE ROLLED COMPLETELY OVER TODAY! HE'S 4 DAYS SHY OF 4 MONTHS OLD!!
Natalie
So I thought I would expand upon this subject. I want to tell the reasons why I believe writing is important.
The reason I write is simple. Its documentation of my life. I have this irrational fear of dying (which is no surprise) but also of dying and being forgotten. I just don't like the thought of not being alive and leaving nothing of myself.
.. My point is that I am able to write my life out. Its proof that I was here. Proof that I lived.
Another reason I write is because it gives others, a glimpse of who I am, or who I was.
I'm really into genealogy. I enjoy researching my family, and staring at census for hours... in my most recent searches, I learned that my Great Great Great Grandmother did not know how to write, (I assume she couldn't read either). Honestly nothing bugs me more than my desire to know who my ancestors were but to have nothing left from them. I imagine handwriting, and their voices. I think it'd be amazingly awesome to be able to travel through time and to see the way they lived, and how they felt about life.
Anyways, back to my point. My great great great grandmother couldn't write, not even her name. This was the case with many people way back when. In our country today EVERYONE has the right to an education. Its so sad that people (as recent as 200 years ago) couldn't even write, and had no schooling.
It is a blessing to be able to read and write. There are still people around the world who do not have this luxury. Writing is a blessing in which I want to use the most of. I wish to write to not only inspire, but to also leave a piece of myself. What I am writing is history. The story of my life is important and would most be valuable to those who read it in the future. I imagine someone reading my thoughts, stories of my struggles and victories 200 years from now. I imagine that times would have changed drastically.
It is impossible to count the benefits of writing. I believe it is important to take advantage of writing. Its an amazing opportunity that we have here, now in this moment. I began writing in a journal when I was 13 years old. I was in the youth shelter, waiting to be placed in a foster home. I still have that journal. Sometimes I think of myself as a pack rat. I keep things that I feel are important to me. I don't hoard things.. but I have many things that mean something to me. I have several other journals I've kept. I wrote in my journal on May 20, 2003. The day before my whole life changed. and I wrote in my journal on June 2nd, 2003, the same day I was released from the hospital. I have everything documented. I can read those words and go back to that moment when I wrote those words. I don't know what I'd remember or not remember had I not written about it before and after. My writing, gives me a glimpse of who I was before and of who I am now. We as humans evolve as we get older. Our priorities change, For most of us (not all of us) our way of thinking changes as well. I like to go back and read to myself the words I thought at one time. and I say to myself.. "Wow!"
I wish to leave my imprint somewhere, and writing allows me to.
OH AND LUKE ROLLED COMPLETELY OVER TODAY! HE'S 4 DAYS SHY OF 4 MONTHS OLD!!
Natalie
Monday, April 23, 2012
Its just Monday.
First, I didn't write yesterday. I spent the whole day with my husband.
Today is going by pretty fast. He doesn't have another day off until next week. The days he has off work go by much faster than the days he's at work. It must be because I wish he were home all of the time.
Raegan is currently asking for a bucket of water. She saw me washing the cars so I gave her water, she proceeded to go in the house and pour all of the water out in the living room. So I'm ignoring her requests for water.
Brian is playing his stupid playstation xbox game thing. Some day... I plan to hide those stupid game systems just to see him freak out. :)
There are men outside working on our foundation.. messing with rebar and leveling the dirt.
Today we drove to McAlester, I had to get a copy of Raegan's birth certificate so that I can get her enrolled in headstart. It was a nice trip. Brian drove me around the old prison up there...and we talked about how old it was...among other things.
We ate a little lunch there, and.....we've only been home 2 hours or so.. I'm starving again. Breastfeeding makes me hungry and thirsty allll the time. I drank a huge glass of water a few minutes ago because I read that sometimes your brain can get hunger and thirst confused.... and of course I still feel like my stomach is a raging monster ...... I'm soooo hungry.
I decided I'm going to try the whole working out thing again. Hopefully I won't be disturbed, and it'll give me something to do during the day, to pass time while I'm waiting for Brian to come home. I can take Raegan and Luke, there is a play area, but I'll probably just wear Luke in his wrap while I walk on the treadmill. I prefer walking on the treadmill over walking around aimlessly because I can keep count off how far I've walked, rather than just guessing. I also told Brian that I want to buy one for my own personal use...and for him NOT to tell me I won't use it.. because it pisses me off. He kind of said the same thing about breastfeeding.. and I have been successfully breastfeeding for 4 months now...and every time I bring up that he's a pessimist..he says "he just didn't think I'd do it".... I keep telling him that he should be more encouraging.
So my hope is that I can entertain myself in my home, in our HUGE living room.....(a treadmill will also fill empty space..) but I won't have to worry about being bothered or interrupted because I can lock the doors, and keep the blinds/curtains down and closed. The last time I tried to go walking with Raegan and Luke around the block..I had a 140 lb weight following me.
If you don't know what I mean... I can't explain it publicly but I might discuss it privately.
Sigh. I can't stop thinking about food. Brian owes me a hot fudge sundae. Shut up. I know I don't need it.. but my body wants it. I will feast on what I want until Friday. Then Monday I will make myself start exercising. To be honest I have to make myself. I'll never be happy if I don't. I can't even stand to look at myself in pictures or the mirror. I probably have a little bit of body dismorphic disorder, but I know that no one is perfectly content with their body... I'm just kicking myself for ever thinking I was fat at 150 lbs.. which is a completely healthy body weight for my size and height. blah... one sundae won't hurt right? LOL.
Ah. I got distracted with a phone call.. I had to confirm our brick choice, paint choices, and the shingle choices.
:) Someday I'll be happy that I'm recording this whole building a house process. Right now its stressful and boring, but someday.. I'll be in our home and it'll be great.
fooooooood...
I'm going to go find food.
Natalie
Today is going by pretty fast. He doesn't have another day off until next week. The days he has off work go by much faster than the days he's at work. It must be because I wish he were home all of the time.
Raegan is currently asking for a bucket of water. She saw me washing the cars so I gave her water, she proceeded to go in the house and pour all of the water out in the living room. So I'm ignoring her requests for water.
Brian is playing his stupid playstation xbox game thing. Some day... I plan to hide those stupid game systems just to see him freak out. :)
There are men outside working on our foundation.. messing with rebar and leveling the dirt.
Today we drove to McAlester, I had to get a copy of Raegan's birth certificate so that I can get her enrolled in headstart. It was a nice trip. Brian drove me around the old prison up there...and we talked about how old it was...among other things.
We ate a little lunch there, and.....we've only been home 2 hours or so.. I'm starving again. Breastfeeding makes me hungry and thirsty allll the time. I drank a huge glass of water a few minutes ago because I read that sometimes your brain can get hunger and thirst confused.... and of course I still feel like my stomach is a raging monster ...... I'm soooo hungry.
I decided I'm going to try the whole working out thing again. Hopefully I won't be disturbed, and it'll give me something to do during the day, to pass time while I'm waiting for Brian to come home. I can take Raegan and Luke, there is a play area, but I'll probably just wear Luke in his wrap while I walk on the treadmill. I prefer walking on the treadmill over walking around aimlessly because I can keep count off how far I've walked, rather than just guessing. I also told Brian that I want to buy one for my own personal use...and for him NOT to tell me I won't use it.. because it pisses me off. He kind of said the same thing about breastfeeding.. and I have been successfully breastfeeding for 4 months now...and every time I bring up that he's a pessimist..he says "he just didn't think I'd do it".... I keep telling him that he should be more encouraging.
So my hope is that I can entertain myself in my home, in our HUGE living room.....(a treadmill will also fill empty space..) but I won't have to worry about being bothered or interrupted because I can lock the doors, and keep the blinds/curtains down and closed. The last time I tried to go walking with Raegan and Luke around the block..I had a 140 lb weight following me.
If you don't know what I mean... I can't explain it publicly but I might discuss it privately.
Sigh. I can't stop thinking about food. Brian owes me a hot fudge sundae. Shut up. I know I don't need it.. but my body wants it. I will feast on what I want until Friday. Then Monday I will make myself start exercising. To be honest I have to make myself. I'll never be happy if I don't. I can't even stand to look at myself in pictures or the mirror. I probably have a little bit of body dismorphic disorder, but I know that no one is perfectly content with their body... I'm just kicking myself for ever thinking I was fat at 150 lbs.. which is a completely healthy body weight for my size and height. blah... one sundae won't hurt right? LOL.
Ah. I got distracted with a phone call.. I had to confirm our brick choice, paint choices, and the shingle choices.
:) Someday I'll be happy that I'm recording this whole building a house process. Right now its stressful and boring, but someday.. I'll be in our home and it'll be great.
fooooooood...
I'm going to go find food.
Natalie
Saturday, April 21, 2012
I just killed a fly.
Today my little family attended a family reunion for my husband's father's side. It was nice. Especially to visit with his sister and niece and nephew. It was mostly a bunch of old people though.
Once we got home Brian had to go to work. Raegan is playing on the porch and Luke is swaying in his jumperoo.
I've had nightmares for the last 3 nights. except last night. When I was pregnant with Raegan, I had very vivid crazy dreams. But I had zero with Luke. Maybe those dreams are catching up with me now.
My first nightmare was that Brian's stepdad beat his dog's head in with a hammer. and I kept screaming for him to stop but I had no voice. :(
and my next nightmare was that Someone was trying to kidnap Raegan. I don't remember the 3rd nightmare. But last night I had a dream that I was an employee at Lowes. and I had to go to the bathroom. The stalls were in the middle of the store. and anyone could walk by. Well in my dream I was in one of the stalls and I was standing up, (with my pants down..hahaha) and one of the employee's opened my stall door...and all of the customers saw all of my bits... I spent my whole dream mad at the employee and trying to get her fired.. but I woke up and I have no idea what happened after that.
I got my photobooks in the mail today! I ordered them from Snapfish. They had a special where you could buy as many as you wanted, half priced. I got one for Raegan and one for Luke. I must say I am very pleased. Even though I've seen those pictures a million times.. they look so pretty in a book that is bound together.
I don't know about you.. but I am so ready for tomorrow. Brian has tomorrow off. I spend all week waiting for Sunday. I enjoy spending time with him. I feel pretty lonely without him. Seems once you get married and have kids.. everyone kind of goes their own way. well.. not everyone. I attract the crazy people. They're the only ones who want anything to do with me. *BANGS HEAD ON WALL*
Sigh. Luke is hungry. Gotta feed him.
Have a good day. :)
Natalie
Once we got home Brian had to go to work. Raegan is playing on the porch and Luke is swaying in his jumperoo.
I've had nightmares for the last 3 nights. except last night. When I was pregnant with Raegan, I had very vivid crazy dreams. But I had zero with Luke. Maybe those dreams are catching up with me now.
My first nightmare was that Brian's stepdad beat his dog's head in with a hammer. and I kept screaming for him to stop but I had no voice. :(
and my next nightmare was that Someone was trying to kidnap Raegan. I don't remember the 3rd nightmare. But last night I had a dream that I was an employee at Lowes. and I had to go to the bathroom. The stalls were in the middle of the store. and anyone could walk by. Well in my dream I was in one of the stalls and I was standing up, (with my pants down..hahaha) and one of the employee's opened my stall door...and all of the customers saw all of my bits... I spent my whole dream mad at the employee and trying to get her fired.. but I woke up and I have no idea what happened after that.
I got my photobooks in the mail today! I ordered them from Snapfish. They had a special where you could buy as many as you wanted, half priced. I got one for Raegan and one for Luke. I must say I am very pleased. Even though I've seen those pictures a million times.. they look so pretty in a book that is bound together.
I don't know about you.. but I am so ready for tomorrow. Brian has tomorrow off. I spend all week waiting for Sunday. I enjoy spending time with him. I feel pretty lonely without him. Seems once you get married and have kids.. everyone kind of goes their own way. well.. not everyone. I attract the crazy people. They're the only ones who want anything to do with me. *BANGS HEAD ON WALL*
Sigh. Luke is hungry. Gotta feed him.
Have a good day. :)
Natalie
Friday, April 20, 2012
An array of subjects
I'm sitting here eating a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. They taste amazing.. but in the back of my mind I can't help but think of calories and carbs.. and about how what I'm eating isn't ever going to help me be 150 lbs again.
blah.
Today started out good. We woke up, I fed Luke while Brian played with his new phone, and Raegan watched the same episode of Dora the Explorer for the umpteenth millionth time. Some guy brought lumber. Its laying in the back yard. It rained last night so I don't expect anyone to come pour concrete since the ground is wet. but on a good note, Its sunny outside right now and its supposed to be sunny ALL of next week. Maybe they'll get that slab poured and get the frame up. Everything is coming together slowly. But even so.. I am so excited.
I keep smelling random smells. Its one of those smells that takes you back to a time and place where you smelt it first. It makes me feel nostalgic. Kinda like how the sound of trucks, particularly semi trucks that are just idling.. remind me of a time when I was younger. My mom who was mentally ill.. hitch hiked across the country with my little sister and I. We stayed in Nashville, and in Georgia somewhere. and a few months (yes a few months) later we came back and lived in Texas with my grandma. but the sound of the semi trucks reminds me of riding in them. and especially at night (since that is when we traveled most) the lights on cars, brake lights especially remind me of those experiences.
The sound of sirens from firetrucks and ambulances bring tears to my eyes instantly. I don't even have to think about it, they flow instantaneously when I hear the sound. I guess its something psychological that causes it. It hadn't ever happened until about 3 years ago (at that point it had been 5 years since my accident).. I went to a fire truck parade and the sirens were blaring. I looked like an idiot. I think exposing myself to those sounds helps because I haven't cried has hard as the first time it happened to me. Like I said, I guess its something psychological. Even though I don't remember my accident, there is part of my brain that does. I guess it remembers the sound of sirens as I was driven to the hospital in the back of the ambulance.
who knows. It definitely puts me on the spot. Last year I was waiting for class to start, a friend and I went and got Sonic while we were waiting for time to pass and an ambulance drove by with the sirens blaring. I hadn't mentioned what happens to her.. and she asked me what was wrong. I looked at her through my tear filled eyes and told her its something I can't control. She was completely understanding though.
I put Luke in the jumperoo. He seems to like it more today than the days before. He's currently bouncing on one foot to the other.. and cooing. Raegan is wearing the same dress for the 3rd day in a row. NOT because I won't change her clothes.. I gave her the option of wearing 5 or 6 dresses.. but she's on a kick. She only wants to wear this one dress. I think its good to get her to choose what she wants to wear... I don't let her out of the house wearing the same thing she did yesterday.. I make her change her clothes, but the moment we step foot back into the house she wants to put that dang dress back on again. Luckily its 59 degrees today so its a little bit cooler than its been previously, so I don't mind as much.
I've got homework due tonight. Its only a discussion post, and then the rest of my work is due Sunday night. I really hope Brian comes home from work early. His schedule is never consistent. There is no way I'm even going to attempt to do my work w/o him here..unless I absolutely have to. The last time I tried to do it w/o him here watching Raegan and Luke, I was a nervous wreck.
So its been 3 years since I've written any blogs or journal posts. On my first post, a friend told me that my words flow well together. and that I write well. She's probably reading this..*waves* I was pleasantly surprised to get a compliment. At least I think it was... I hope it was. ha. I had no desire to write after I had Raegan. I went from blogging every day to absolutely nothing. I kind of regret it. I should have kept it up. I think I would have been much happier. I'm always on facebook but its not really used for blogging. So here I am. Exposing every thought I have. Clearing my conscience and lifting the burdens off my shoulders.
Luke is getting restless. I must go entertain him by juggling something, dancing ridiculously, or any other action that would make me look like a complete idiot. Anything for Luke. :)
Natalie
blah.
Today started out good. We woke up, I fed Luke while Brian played with his new phone, and Raegan watched the same episode of Dora the Explorer for the umpteenth millionth time. Some guy brought lumber. Its laying in the back yard. It rained last night so I don't expect anyone to come pour concrete since the ground is wet. but on a good note, Its sunny outside right now and its supposed to be sunny ALL of next week. Maybe they'll get that slab poured and get the frame up. Everything is coming together slowly. But even so.. I am so excited.
I keep smelling random smells. Its one of those smells that takes you back to a time and place where you smelt it first. It makes me feel nostalgic. Kinda like how the sound of trucks, particularly semi trucks that are just idling.. remind me of a time when I was younger. My mom who was mentally ill.. hitch hiked across the country with my little sister and I. We stayed in Nashville, and in Georgia somewhere. and a few months (yes a few months) later we came back and lived in Texas with my grandma. but the sound of the semi trucks reminds me of riding in them. and especially at night (since that is when we traveled most) the lights on cars, brake lights especially remind me of those experiences.
The sound of sirens from firetrucks and ambulances bring tears to my eyes instantly. I don't even have to think about it, they flow instantaneously when I hear the sound. I guess its something psychological that causes it. It hadn't ever happened until about 3 years ago (at that point it had been 5 years since my accident).. I went to a fire truck parade and the sirens were blaring. I looked like an idiot. I think exposing myself to those sounds helps because I haven't cried has hard as the first time it happened to me. Like I said, I guess its something psychological. Even though I don't remember my accident, there is part of my brain that does. I guess it remembers the sound of sirens as I was driven to the hospital in the back of the ambulance.
who knows. It definitely puts me on the spot. Last year I was waiting for class to start, a friend and I went and got Sonic while we were waiting for time to pass and an ambulance drove by with the sirens blaring. I hadn't mentioned what happens to her.. and she asked me what was wrong. I looked at her through my tear filled eyes and told her its something I can't control. She was completely understanding though.
I put Luke in the jumperoo. He seems to like it more today than the days before. He's currently bouncing on one foot to the other.. and cooing. Raegan is wearing the same dress for the 3rd day in a row. NOT because I won't change her clothes.. I gave her the option of wearing 5 or 6 dresses.. but she's on a kick. She only wants to wear this one dress. I think its good to get her to choose what she wants to wear... I don't let her out of the house wearing the same thing she did yesterday.. I make her change her clothes, but the moment we step foot back into the house she wants to put that dang dress back on again. Luckily its 59 degrees today so its a little bit cooler than its been previously, so I don't mind as much.
I've got homework due tonight. Its only a discussion post, and then the rest of my work is due Sunday night. I really hope Brian comes home from work early. His schedule is never consistent. There is no way I'm even going to attempt to do my work w/o him here..unless I absolutely have to. The last time I tried to do it w/o him here watching Raegan and Luke, I was a nervous wreck.
So its been 3 years since I've written any blogs or journal posts. On my first post, a friend told me that my words flow well together. and that I write well. She's probably reading this..*waves* I was pleasantly surprised to get a compliment. At least I think it was... I hope it was. ha. I had no desire to write after I had Raegan. I went from blogging every day to absolutely nothing. I kind of regret it. I should have kept it up. I think I would have been much happier. I'm always on facebook but its not really used for blogging. So here I am. Exposing every thought I have. Clearing my conscience and lifting the burdens off my shoulders.
Luke is getting restless. I must go entertain him by juggling something, dancing ridiculously, or any other action that would make me look like a complete idiot. Anything for Luke. :)
Natalie
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Just a bunch of jibberish
Today started out like any other day. If you know me, then you know what I mean. If you don't know me... then I'll just tell you there are too many crazy people in my life.
I don't think I'll go much further on that subject.
In other news. The plumbers came today and did whatever they had to do for our house. Now we are just waiting for the next set of guys to come out and do their job. I hope we have a slab soon. I've waited for this house for 5 years and now that its finally being built, it doesn't even feel real!
I haven't done much today. My days mostly consist of cleaning and taking care of Raegan and Luke. I've been corresponding with others about my family history. I've called several Genealogy Societies, court houses and other places. Untangling this web of mysteries is proving to be time consuming and addicting. I enjoy it a lot.
So in the midst of typing this blog. The fedex guy came, my MIL.. and... then Raegan was screaming for a shower. Which is rare because she's scared of the bath.. so I gave her a bath and let her play in the water, then I changed Luke's poopy diaper for the 4th time today.
It never ends. Raegan is currently counting with Dora the Explorer and Luke is getting restless because obviously I should pay attention to him at all times of the day. My husband should be home in an hour but I doubt he'll want to sit still and let me write anything. His mom wants us to come over for dinner............. sigh. I told her I'd talk to my husband bout it.
Argh it. The cat just got in the cat food. I've fed her like ten times today. BRB.
Okay so she happens to be a stray that I feed, she was completely wild a year ago.. but who isn't intrigued by a stray Siamese cat (there were two but my husband scared the chit out of the other..and it won't even come close to our house any more)
but anyways.. We knew she was expecting kittens.. and I kept telling my husband.. everyday.. "TODAY's the day!" but she never had the kittens when I predicted. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. the morning after Easter.. to the sound of kittens crying on our porch. My husband looked outside and said he didn't see any. *eyeroll* He wasn't too keen on the idea of bringing her in. but It was pouring down rain. So when I got up.. at 8 a.m. I went to go get breakfast and she was on the porch hiding with her kittens. So I brought her into a room in our house where she wouldn't be bothered by other cats. so She's doing well, lets us know when she wants in and out. She comes and goes as she pleases since I've been leaving the front door open.. but when she's hungry, it doesn't matter how many times I feed her.. if she's hungry.. she has no limits.. so she attempts to get in the trash and then I get food for her, Now she knows where the cat food is.. and she gets in it. argh. so she's eating her mess right now.
She had 5 kittens, 3 Siamese and 2 black/grey striped kittens. They're super cute. and she's a good momma.
I haven't had kittens since I was ten or so.. this has been a pleasant experience. Probably also because about 2 weeks ago we put our dog down. :( she had liver issues and.. 150 dollars each month at the vet was getting expensive. and so we took her to a different vet, and w/o even mentioning Sugar's knee problems or how much surgery would have cost *2500.00 dollars* ...and w/o telling her how much we had spent on meds.. she immediately told us.. she wasn't going to get better. So I've been moping around. When you've had a pet for 5 years, they're like family. I miss her dearly. We had two other dogs. Junebug and Baby but I found them different homes.
After I had Raegan I was sooo overwhelmed and almost found homes for them. It was difficult taking care of 3 dogs and a child... especially since I had never taken care of a baby before. So I was really dreading PPD after I had Luke.
So I found Junebug and Baby homes a few weeks before I had Luke. and I would have kept Sugar forever but we would let her outside and she could barely walk up the stairs. She couldn't even lift her legs to scratch herself. It was pitiful.. The last thing I told her was "I love you Sugar Booger"
Then I cried the whole way home. My husband treated me to ice cream.. and I sobbed.
Change of subject.
I have to write in spurts because if one child is crying the other one is wanting my attention and.. I finally got them to be quiet.
Okay so I've had a change of mood. On a personal note I don't know what to do. I have people in my life that I'd do anything for but the decisions they make, and the life they CHOOSE to live.. doesn't allow me to help them. I offer support but I'm on the outside, and there is nothing I can do. I feel like my hands are tied, and someday I imagine it'll all come to an end and it won't be a happy one. With that being said, I can't really stand manipulative liars. Addiction is a bad thing. Especially when you recognize that you have one. Denial is hard. Its hard to face the truth. and even harder to make the effort to change the repetitive patterns and lifestyle. Hard yes. Impossible NO! I've got to learn to focus on me and my family. I am not responsible for anyone else. If they aren't happy then they have to seek change.
Learning to step aside and knowing its going to be a rough road for those involved isn't easy. I've made my choices. I'm living my life. They'll live theirs.
Argh. I'm hungry. Ready for my husband to be home and I need a distraction. I may go play outside. Its beautiful.
SIGH.
Natalie
I don't think I'll go much further on that subject.
In other news. The plumbers came today and did whatever they had to do for our house. Now we are just waiting for the next set of guys to come out and do their job. I hope we have a slab soon. I've waited for this house for 5 years and now that its finally being built, it doesn't even feel real!
I haven't done much today. My days mostly consist of cleaning and taking care of Raegan and Luke. I've been corresponding with others about my family history. I've called several Genealogy Societies, court houses and other places. Untangling this web of mysteries is proving to be time consuming and addicting. I enjoy it a lot.
So in the midst of typing this blog. The fedex guy came, my MIL.. and... then Raegan was screaming for a shower. Which is rare because she's scared of the bath.. so I gave her a bath and let her play in the water, then I changed Luke's poopy diaper for the 4th time today.
It never ends. Raegan is currently counting with Dora the Explorer and Luke is getting restless because obviously I should pay attention to him at all times of the day. My husband should be home in an hour but I doubt he'll want to sit still and let me write anything. His mom wants us to come over for dinner............. sigh. I told her I'd talk to my husband bout it.
Argh it. The cat just got in the cat food. I've fed her like ten times today. BRB.
Okay so she happens to be a stray that I feed, she was completely wild a year ago.. but who isn't intrigued by a stray Siamese cat (there were two but my husband scared the chit out of the other..and it won't even come close to our house any more)
but anyways.. We knew she was expecting kittens.. and I kept telling my husband.. everyday.. "TODAY's the day!" but she never had the kittens when I predicted. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. the morning after Easter.. to the sound of kittens crying on our porch. My husband looked outside and said he didn't see any. *eyeroll* He wasn't too keen on the idea of bringing her in. but It was pouring down rain. So when I got up.. at 8 a.m. I went to go get breakfast and she was on the porch hiding with her kittens. So I brought her into a room in our house where she wouldn't be bothered by other cats. so She's doing well, lets us know when she wants in and out. She comes and goes as she pleases since I've been leaving the front door open.. but when she's hungry, it doesn't matter how many times I feed her.. if she's hungry.. she has no limits.. so she attempts to get in the trash and then I get food for her, Now she knows where the cat food is.. and she gets in it. argh. so she's eating her mess right now.
She had 5 kittens, 3 Siamese and 2 black/grey striped kittens. They're super cute. and she's a good momma.
I haven't had kittens since I was ten or so.. this has been a pleasant experience. Probably also because about 2 weeks ago we put our dog down. :( she had liver issues and.. 150 dollars each month at the vet was getting expensive. and so we took her to a different vet, and w/o even mentioning Sugar's knee problems or how much surgery would have cost *2500.00 dollars* ...and w/o telling her how much we had spent on meds.. she immediately told us.. she wasn't going to get better. So I've been moping around. When you've had a pet for 5 years, they're like family. I miss her dearly. We had two other dogs. Junebug and Baby but I found them different homes.
After I had Raegan I was sooo overwhelmed and almost found homes for them. It was difficult taking care of 3 dogs and a child... especially since I had never taken care of a baby before. So I was really dreading PPD after I had Luke.
So I found Junebug and Baby homes a few weeks before I had Luke. and I would have kept Sugar forever but we would let her outside and she could barely walk up the stairs. She couldn't even lift her legs to scratch herself. It was pitiful.. The last thing I told her was "I love you Sugar Booger"
Then I cried the whole way home. My husband treated me to ice cream.. and I sobbed.
Change of subject.
I have to write in spurts because if one child is crying the other one is wanting my attention and.. I finally got them to be quiet.
Okay so I've had a change of mood. On a personal note I don't know what to do. I have people in my life that I'd do anything for but the decisions they make, and the life they CHOOSE to live.. doesn't allow me to help them. I offer support but I'm on the outside, and there is nothing I can do. I feel like my hands are tied, and someday I imagine it'll all come to an end and it won't be a happy one. With that being said, I can't really stand manipulative liars. Addiction is a bad thing. Especially when you recognize that you have one. Denial is hard. Its hard to face the truth. and even harder to make the effort to change the repetitive patterns and lifestyle. Hard yes. Impossible NO! I've got to learn to focus on me and my family. I am not responsible for anyone else. If they aren't happy then they have to seek change.
Learning to step aside and knowing its going to be a rough road for those involved isn't easy. I've made my choices. I'm living my life. They'll live theirs.
Argh. I'm hungry. Ready for my husband to be home and I need a distraction. I may go play outside. Its beautiful.
SIGH.
Natalie
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
In the beginning
Its been so long since I've written anything. I don't even know where to start. I used to write all of the time. I wrote through my whole pregnancy with my daughter Raegan, and then once she started moving.. I was far too busy. I couldn't keep up. I can't believe its been 3 years since she was born.
Today I decided I should try picking up writing again. I always enjoyed it. It really helps me sort through the things in my mind. I find it therapeutic and relaxing. My hope is that others can relate to what I say or think and also that I can be encouraging or inspiring.
So lets start with today.
Everything is going well. We're currently building a home...and I can't help but feel anxious about the contractors and others coming and working on it. I can see everything they're doing from my window.. We're tearing down this house after our new home is built. The only thing that bites is that no one showed up yesterday or today. Sooo... I guess this anxious feeling isn't going away.
Today is a beautiful day. Sunshine and blue skies. The wind keeps sweeping the sweet aroma of flowers into the house. (The front door is open.) Raegan is playing. She insists on wearing a dress every day. Thats no problem. The thing is today she wants to wear a dress that is meant to be worn in the winter. So She's wearing it in the house with the air on. I figured that wouldn't hurt right?
If you are still reading this.. I'll mention how ready I am to be done with school. I've only got a couple more weeks left in this semester. I feel good knowing I'm half way through school. A Junior. Yippee. But it doesn't keep me from dreading the upcoming semesters. I convinced my husband to continue his education. He finished his first two years of school, and then stopped attending when he got the job he's got now. He's had his job in a smoke filled casino for 11 years.. and I really don't like it. His dad died from lung cancer, and I think that makes him want to finish his education even more.. So when he has his degree he can obtain a job that he really enjoys and has a better schedule.
I'm majoring in Sociology. I find it to be easy. I understand so much about the things we discuss in my classes. I guess that has to do with my childhood. I grew up in a single parent home. Money was tight. The physical, psychological and emotional abuse did plenty of damage. I was placed in foster care when I was 13. I was in a car accident while on a visit with my mom when I was 14. My mom and niece died. So I was in care until I turned 18. I was released to discover the world on my own with very little support. I met my husband my first semester of college. Married him a year to the day we met, and we've been together for 6 years now. We had our daughter Raegan in January of 2009. and our son was due in January of 2012, but he came just a few days early and landed on December 28, 2011.
I enjoy being a mother, watching my children grow is such a blessing. I have the opportunity to be at home with them. Some days are stressful but I really enjoy every day I have with them.
Sorry to cut this short. Luke is starting to cry. He's a boobie monster. Gotta feed'm.
I'll write more as soon as the opportunity presents itself. Probably when Luke is sleeping. ;)
Natalie
Today I decided I should try picking up writing again. I always enjoyed it. It really helps me sort through the things in my mind. I find it therapeutic and relaxing. My hope is that others can relate to what I say or think and also that I can be encouraging or inspiring.
So lets start with today.
Everything is going well. We're currently building a home...and I can't help but feel anxious about the contractors and others coming and working on it. I can see everything they're doing from my window.. We're tearing down this house after our new home is built. The only thing that bites is that no one showed up yesterday or today. Sooo... I guess this anxious feeling isn't going away.
Today is a beautiful day. Sunshine and blue skies. The wind keeps sweeping the sweet aroma of flowers into the house. (The front door is open.) Raegan is playing. She insists on wearing a dress every day. Thats no problem. The thing is today she wants to wear a dress that is meant to be worn in the winter. So She's wearing it in the house with the air on. I figured that wouldn't hurt right?
If you are still reading this.. I'll mention how ready I am to be done with school. I've only got a couple more weeks left in this semester. I feel good knowing I'm half way through school. A Junior. Yippee. But it doesn't keep me from dreading the upcoming semesters. I convinced my husband to continue his education. He finished his first two years of school, and then stopped attending when he got the job he's got now. He's had his job in a smoke filled casino for 11 years.. and I really don't like it. His dad died from lung cancer, and I think that makes him want to finish his education even more.. So when he has his degree he can obtain a job that he really enjoys and has a better schedule.
I'm majoring in Sociology. I find it to be easy. I understand so much about the things we discuss in my classes. I guess that has to do with my childhood. I grew up in a single parent home. Money was tight. The physical, psychological and emotional abuse did plenty of damage. I was placed in foster care when I was 13. I was in a car accident while on a visit with my mom when I was 14. My mom and niece died. So I was in care until I turned 18. I was released to discover the world on my own with very little support. I met my husband my first semester of college. Married him a year to the day we met, and we've been together for 6 years now. We had our daughter Raegan in January of 2009. and our son was due in January of 2012, but he came just a few days early and landed on December 28, 2011.
I enjoy being a mother, watching my children grow is such a blessing. I have the opportunity to be at home with them. Some days are stressful but I really enjoy every day I have with them.
Sorry to cut this short. Luke is starting to cry. He's a boobie monster. Gotta feed'm.
I'll write more as soon as the opportunity presents itself. Probably when Luke is sleeping. ;)
Natalie
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