So here it is, October and I'm already feeling anxious and excited for the holiday season. Its one of those things where I know every year will be better than the last. I'm sure I probably annoy some people with how exciting it is to me and..it almost annoys me that I feel like I should justify my feelings. The truth is..that as long as I'm happy.. I really don't care what you or anyone else thinks...but there are many things that have lead me to this conclusion.
While I say that I'm an open book, there are many things I am open about and that I share with people but there are also just as many things that I keep to myself..things I don't share with anyone.. so while I write this, keep in mind that its personal, and I have spoken to few people about it...so even publishing this gives me a little bit of anxiety.
I don't know about you, but if you know me..you know that I reflect a lot on things I have experienced and things that I remember. I don't know why I remember so much about my childhood but I have really good memory and I remember so much. I suppose maybe I just recall it more than the average person. I probably rely so much on my memory as well because of my near death experience. of course everyone knows all about it, but until you've been on the brink of death.. you really don't understand how precious every moment, every breath, and every memory is.
One of the earliest memories I have is when I was three years old. My brother who is ten years older than me.. woke me up really early and I faintly remember lights from a Christmas tree. He carried me over to a window where it was pitch black outside but I could see snow falling to the ground.
I remember the next Christmas.. when I was four. My uncles brought my sister and I.. a bunch of gifts. The next few Christmases were a blur. I spent a lot of time with my uncles, and my grandma while my mom was being evaluated for mental health issues. Then when I was seven, my mom decided to hitch hike across the country with my little sister and I. We lived in shelters between Tennessee and Georgia. We ended up living with total strangers. I have no clue who the people were but I remember little things, including Christmas.
By the time I was 8, we were back in Texas. I remember that Christmas too. My grandma owned a nursing home, where she had moved an old trailer on the back of the property.. My mom, Evelyn and I lived there..I remember my uncle's dog sleeping with us and keeping us warm. That Christmas I received a music box.. If I heard the music that played from it I would still remember it even 17 years later.
I don't remember Christmas when I was nine, but by 10 years old, I had changed schools 12 times? We lived on 500 dollars a month. My mom's boyfriend introduced us to dumpster diving behind Winn Dixie. I suppose you do what you have to to feed yourself. We lived on potted meat, ramen noodles, I also remember eating cornflakes w/ water a lot. My mom never cooked. Evelyn and I attended church by ourselves at 9 and 10 years old. The preachers wife fed us. People always brought us turkey and food for the holidays.
We lived across the road from a convenient store. I suppose it was apparent that we were going without meals. The owners of the store allowed us to go over to the store every evening. The employees would empty the left over crispitos and burritos into a paper bag and send us on our way...I had never eaten anything so delicious.
When I was 11 and in 6th grade. I was riding the school bus home. It was finally Christmas break. The only memory I have of that day was when I was walking off the school bus, the bus driver grabbed my attention and pointed to a large box in the front seat. He said it was mine. The box was nearly as big as I was at 5'6..I dragged the box all the way across our yard.. not knowing what was in it. Once I got in the house I realized that it was full of new unopened toys. Two of everything. One for me, and one for Evelyn.
I had no idea who it came from. It was so exciting... I know Christmas isn't about presents. But explaining to a child who somewhat understands that their lifestyle is much different than that of their peers at school is much more complicated. I knew not to expect presents for Christmas. I didn't know what Christmas dinner was. I didn't have family or fellowship. So when I opened this box, I think I was almost in shock.
The first holiday dinner I faintly remember is when I was 11. It was Thanksgiving. That's all I remember. Nothing special..I remember nothing when I was 12. But 13 is a different story. I was placed in foster care in September after I turned 13. I was in the youth shelter for a month, but then I moved in with Courtney as a temporary placement. It was different. Seeing how families interacted together. I grew up without knowing either of my grandfathers.. so going to her grandfathers for Thanksgiving was a different experience. Lots of laughing and talking. It was different. I spent that Christmas with my dad and his family. I faintly remember that experience. I've not thought a lot about it but it was special because his family is close. It was nice to be around people who wanted to be in my presence.
I'm going through these memories of holidays and it reminds me that there were none that felt special to me. Christmas at 14 and 15 were in two different foster homes. The experiences weren't bad but at that age my mind and understanding of my life had developed enough for me to see that I had no family..and though I was in a home it didn't feel like my own. I mean no disrespect to those who cared for me. Its not that I wasn't appreciative but I've always fought feelings of bitterness and anger because its not fair that I didn't have the biological stability that I deserved.
Thanksgiving and Christmas at 16 was one of my favorites. Living with Gen and Des. Their mother Lyndall made it special. I don't know if it was the holiday candies that she made or just her attitude towards the season. She wasn't negative, and the counters were covered with fudge and chocolate covered pretzels. I had never seen anything like it. I had never felt anything like what I felt. If I had to choose, that was probably my favorite Christmas.
Christmas at 17 was different. I think Lyndall was going through chemo at that time. I was probably at work. Then when I was 18, I spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone.. on campus.. a few days after Christmas I had surgery..my eyes were swollen shut and I had to keep my head elevated to prevent swelling so I slept on Brian's couch. Courtney had called me and told me that I should probably go see Lyndall because she was in the hospital and it wasn't good. I told her I couldn't go because I had no way to drive to Durant...especially with my eyes swollen shut. Lyndall died a few days after that conversation.
I don't remember Thanksgiving or Christmas when I was 19. I was married so it was with Brian I'm sure.
Christmas at 20 was when I decided everything from that moment on was going to be different. Brian had to work that day, his mother had to work that day, and his stepfather had to work that day.. so I spent that day at home completely by myself.. while trying to figure out how to throw myself into labor. It was almost depressing being alone on a day when you know everyone else is together, laughing and talking. At one point a friend invited me to her home to eat with her family..which was generous but only reminded me that I had no one. I have always been appreciative of everyone who has always welcomed me into their home but it was almost like pouring salt on a wound. The only thing I could think about was the fact that I was alone and I had no family to spend the day with.
So that was the day that I promised myself that I wouldn't spend another Thanksgiving or Christmas alone. I was due any day with a little girl who would always have my heart and always have my support. I would give her the family she deserved and she would be the family I deserved.
Christmas has never been about the gifts for me but more about filling the voids in my life where I know things should have been different. I have no control over how things occurred as I was a child. The only thing I can control is how I contribute to my children's' memories.
Fast forward to 2011, I was 23. Brian and I had driven to see my dad's family in Idabel. On the way home I stopped by the convenient store where I got free food as a kid.. I hadn't seen Gwen since I was 11. There was an employee outside of the store so I asked if Gwen was around. The guy told me that she was at home and so I gave him my number and told him to have her call me. He stopped me and told me that she lived just down the street.. so Brian and I loaded back up in the car and drove to her home.
I felt strange knocking on her door. Of course I was wondering if she would even recognize me. I assume she knew I had been in a car accident but I didn't know if she knew the extent of my injuries. She answered the door and quickly grabbed the attention of her husband who was in the kitchen. She invited Brian, Raegan and I in.. I sat on her couch and told her all about myself and how my life had changed since I had seen her last. I was teary eyed when I told her that she couldn't possibly understand or know how much her generosity had touched me. Even she didn't know the extent of the lifestyle that we had been living. I rambled on about things that had went on when we have lived across the street. The dirty old man showing me Playboy magazines and being very touchy feely towards me. Even as I type this.. I haven't told anyone else. I went on to tell her about the day I came home from school, and had to drag a huge box into the house..I told her that I had no idea who had sent the box home with us...She stopped me right there at that moment. I looked at her and with a smile she told me that it had been her who had left the box at the school so that it could be sent home with us. Tears filled my eyes because it was one of the nicest things anyone had done for us. and again, we know Christmas isn't about gifts but I couldn't thank her enough for caring so much about my sister and I. She went out of her way to make Christmas a special memory for me.
I hate being told that I'll end up spoiling my children because I want them to have everything in life and in their childhood that I didn't. It has nothing to do with being rich, or giving them materialistic things. It has everything to do with providing them stability. The memories I create with my children are going to last their entire lives. I can't change my memories but I have the power to create wonderful memories with my own children... even when I'm dead.. they may be reminiscing with their own children about that delicious fudge I made, or that secret family recipe that doesn't exist yet. Its not that I'm not being realistic. I know the holiday season is stressful. I just want my children to think of me, and think of their childhood.. I want them to know I did everything I could to make every memory they have special... even if it means putting up our Christmas tree in the 2nd week of October.
I also want to say that even though I've said all kinds of things..as a child my understanding of the world around me was also clouded. I don't know why things happened the way they did but my understanding of family, love, and support isn't clouded now. I know everything about what I want my children to have in their lives. I know that the stability and structure that I provide in their home is going to make them better people, as well as more compassionate. I don't know why some people don't care as much about how they raise their children... Everything I put into my child is going to be reflected when they become parents themselves. I know everything I feel about parenting is a direct result of how I was parented. I've only got one shot at this and I don't want my child to ever feel the pain of knowing what its like to be alone. This is why I am excited for Thanksgiving. This is why I am excited for Christmas.
