My over all review of the movie was that it was kind of slow, and there were a few gaps. I feel like it could have been portrayed a little bit differently. I did not feel like it was as emotionally accurate as it should have been. I mean, Only a person who has actually experienced having their face completely traumatized would be able to portray the real emotions that the movie implies. Right?
If you haven't watched the movie, I don't expect you to go out and watch it, buy it or rent it. I think this is the part of the blog that gets a little more personal. It is this movie that inspired me to explain exactly what it feels like.
Although I can't be certain. I've always said that the things I experienced after the accident (depression and such) had more to do with me accepting my body than the death of my mom and niece. I don't want to make it sound like it didn't bother me that they were no longer alive. But there comes a point where I'm okay, I understand their gone, and thats that. but I have to live with my scars for the rest of my life. Unlike other people's scars.. mine are visible for EVERYONE to see. I can not possibly hide my scars unless I wear a paper bag over my face.
In the movie, the lead character is a jerk who acts as if only beautiful people matter, he cares about nothing except how great it is to be attractive and what good things happen to attractive people. A classmate or "witch" whom he embarrasses casts a spell on him. He's left with what look like scars on his face. She tells him that he must find someone who says "I love you" to him, to break the spell. If he does not find someone within a year, then he's left with those scars for the rest of his life.
Of course, You already know that he finds a girl, and she says "I love you" and his scars disappear, because within that year, he learns that people are so much more than what they appear to be on the outside. A persons value or self worth is so much greater than what the world teaches.
My first thought about the criteria that he was given, is that a year is too short. It took me years to accept myself. The movie does not display him as angry, or upset, or emotional or showing emotions about the possibility of living like that for the rest of his life. He does hide himself from the outside world because of his disfigurement, but he never cried himself to sleep because he thought no one could ever love him. The people in this world put so much emphasis on beauty, on who isn't and who is. I can't tell you how many times I cried because at 14, 15, 16 and 17.. everything in a girls adolescent life is about how pretty she is, and being attractive, dating, (or at least I wanted to feel as if everyone thought I was gorgeous)
I never felt comfortable with my body, I never talked to anyone about it. I wrote in my blog about it. but accepting myself and my body was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Before the accident, I was always "the pretty one" out of all of my siblings. (Not my words, theirs..) I never felt pretty but I guess guys liked me.. and being flirtatious came so easily to me. There are things that I found wrong with myself before the accident, I wanted to be skinnier, I did not like my big lips or my small boobs... and now I'd be happy with an asymmetrical face.
I don't think I necessarily took my "looks" for granted, as I did not feel beautiful.. but I did not appreciate the body I was born with. At first everything after the accident was fuzzy. I had people around me who were angry with me, or annoyed with me because "everyone felt sorry for me" as if I wanted them to feels sorry for me. I didn't ask for any of this. I did not ever imagine going through anything that has happened in the last 9 years. I could not have predicted this.
I have people tell me all of the time that they "don't know how I do it".. do it? as in live my life? well to be honest, I have no choice. When I go out in public, I've learned to tune everything and everyone out around me. Sorry if I don't see you, hear you, or if I completely look past you. Its not you, its me. If I tune it out, and get what I went there for, then I won't notice the man in the next aisle who is looking around the corner to get a second glance at me. and I won't hear the child who is tugging on his moms hand saying "momma! what happened to her?!"
I suppose one could not fit all of the emotions that one would feel in a traumatic experience into a movie that is probably only 2 hours long. I remember crying once, to Lyndall. She was a friends mom, She was always mistaken for my mom. I took it as a compliment. She was a good woman, She always answered every question I had. and she was very easy to relate to. She was diagnosed with cancer when she was 18 months old or so. Cancer of the nose, then cancer in her breasts, cancer in her chin.. and a few other places. I hate calling her face "disfigured" but she went through some of the same things I felt because her face wasn't her natural face. I was crying to her once, I told her she didn't know how I felt. She had lived her entire life with her injuries, and I was 14, when mine happened to me. I had been normal.. I told her that I didn't think anyone could ever possibly love me and see past my scars. She told me "that is just a cop out".. I guess for a moment I felt sorry for myself, I know I felt like it wasn't fair.. because no one else knew what it felt like. I will spend my entire life wondering how my life would have been different, and what I would have looked like. I do have pictures of myself from before the accident, I can compare to Raegan and Luke to see how much they look like me. I felt bad for Lyndall.. She has 3 daughters who look so completely different from each other.. and its hard to even imagine what exactly Lyndall would have looked like.
One thing that was taught to me, is that I should pray for what I want in a husband. I remember the only thing I ever prayed for, is that when I met him, I would know that he was the one, I wanted to know that he was the one because I didn't want to be heartbroken or sad about the possibility of a guy not thinking I was beautiful and not appreciating me for who I was rather than what I looked like. The day I met Brian, I told him I was going to marry him. My dorm mates thought I was crazy. But I absolutely knew. I can't explain it, but all of my insecurities that I had before I met him, completely disappeared. I can't say I'm happy with the way I look, I don't like looking at myself in the mirror.. and when I do.. I tend to take a few minutes to stare at myself but I no longer worry about finding someone who is going to love me.
In the movie Beastly, the guy does find a girl to say she loves him, and his scars are gone. Big Whoop. He's returned to his normal self. I, myself have imagined that the scars are only mine for a day, that maybe in the morning I'll wake up and see that it was only a dream but 3297 days later.. I've come to the realization that my scars are not a dream. I will have them for the rest of my life. I am so much more than what my body displays. I will not hide myself. I will not be ashamed. I accept myself and I love that I am able to set an example for those who have trouble seeing the beauty in the imperfections of life.
So don't feel sorry for me. Don't show me sympathy. The accident was bad, but so many great things have came from a tragic event in my life. I am a beautiful person regardless of how the world views beauty (I'm not conceited, I promise) I have the opportunity to see the world in a different light.
and again, the movie was good. but maybe the producer/director should have talked someone like me.. to find out exactly what it feels like to grieve for the loss of who I was, but to be able to rebuild my life around the good things in our lives that truly have value, beauty and significance. Things that are truly over looked and taken for granted. Had I not experienced this event in my life.. I do not think I would be as passionate about my life as I am now. Perhaps I am the only person who watched the movie, who actually knows anything about what its like. and Maybe if you've read this, and watch it.. you'll be able to look at it differently and you'll perceive it differently than you would have if you hadn't read my thoughts.
Natalie
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.