Part 1

The first day I showed up Brian had given me directions I had never taken before. I ended up getting turned around. frustrated. and lost. I had to call the place. get him on the phone to get better directions. I was so embarrassed. I called Brian bitched him out and finally figured out which way to go. By the time I got to my destination I was flustered and 30 minutes late. I walked in and standing in front of me was exactly the opposite of what I had prayed for the night before. True story.

He was average height for a guy. muscular. smiling. gorgeous blue or green eyes. I never was close enough to him to tell. The first day wasn't long. The second week was longer. background history. I cried through that. I found that I couldn't look at him much. He started telling me about EMDR. which was to help me with the sensitivity I experienced to hearing sirens. I cried automatically anytime I heard ambulance firetruck sirens.

There was one day in the beginning when he had hooked me up to all of the wires..I was looking at the computer screen and was talking him..He asked me why I wouldn't look at him. I told him "the eyes were the window to the soul"...when the truth was I just didn't know whether I was supposed to be looking at that stupid computer screen or not. I suppose he took that as something else because he asked me if I felt vulnerable. I don't remember my answer to that question but I remember looking at the computer screen. I told him he wasn't the most unattractive person and he askedme if I felt like I needed to see someone else. I looked away from him and said I didn't want to go through all of my background again. and he said he liked me.

He used the next few sessions to get me to loosen up by making more eye contact. I remember because he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes and smiled. I looked away and found myself looking back. My heart lept out of my chest. I had never felt that feeling for anyone before. There we were sitting in a room alone together and nothing was being said verbally. Nothing was being felt physically except this time we put a puzzle together. He kept his eyes down. His hands were clammy but his hands were all over mine. Towards the end he let me finish it by myself and he sat back and watched me.

We spent every session doing the counseling thing for 30 mins and flirting for 30 mins. He would always compliment my clothing. it was obvious he was interested in my chest. talking about the decor and pockets on my shirts. Things I paid no attention to. He was aware of mine and Brian's relationship.

I want to feel better.

Last week I tried talking to Marc about when he hit on me in March.  It down spiraled quickly. I stared straight ahead at the wall as I listened to him deny that he ever flirted with me. He must have forgot about the part where he was talking about the size of my breasts. I checked out. I tried to explain how I felt but he misinterpreted what I said. I supposed it could be done easily when someone is upset. I left in tears. I didn't want to go back this week but I did anyway. Yesterdays appointment was awkward. and before I left he said he was referring me to someone else..which I turned down. I told him I wouldn't go through what I had gone through with him..with someone else. I couldn't believe he couldn't talk to me as an adult. and that he would deny everything he had done. I suppose he was protecting himself. But at the same time I had no intentions of ever using it against him. I had never judged him. I felt more hurt that he wouldn't help relieve me of this pain.

I'm just stupid for trusting him. He should have never been my counselor. never. I left and I know I'll never see him again. it was a weight off of my shoulders but I am so hurt. I just wish I felt better. I wish my life was better.

This will get better.

I feel so hurt. I have cried for days. I can't figure out what is right or wrong. everything is one sided. I can't figure out what I have done wrong. I know as my counselor he can't really state his opinion but I don't know what he's thinking and I've told him so much of what I am thinking. This is really hard for me. I hate that he wouldn't talk to me as if I was a human being and he treated me as if I was just like any of his other clients. Of course I was. I know I was. I meant nothing to him. but it still hurts.

I will get past this. I won't always hurt. This will get easier. I know it will.