Today has just began.. Brian went to work, Raegan is entertaining herself, Luke is in the jumperoo.
So the other day my left palm itched, and I told Brian that an old wives tale says it means "money" or something another.. so.. I told him to go to the travel plaza. We hadn't been to the casino in 2 years.. and I figured if he played 40 and lost it..it wouldn't be the end of the world. but to my surprise he came home with 1000 dollars... So we decided to put it in savings, until we decide to go shopping for more stuff for the house.
So We are still waiting for the brick to be delivered.. and no one is coming to hang sheet rock until next week. So as far as the house goes.. I've just been twiddling my thumbs.. hoping for something to happen.
I've been waiting for SE to receive my transcript from Murray. So I still haven't enrolled in classes for the summer semester that starts MONDAY. I called 3 times yesterday to talk to someone.. and all I got was.. "I'll call you back" 's .. soooo I guess I'll call them in a few minutes. I've already emailed the professor.. I didn't realize that once you are a Junior you have to go through the Faculty Advisor.. rather than just the advisement office.. but I was informed that they only advice Freshmen and Sophmores.. soo I emailed a Sociology professor.. where I was told I needed a minor.. and...there is only one Sociology class available this summer.. and I've already taken the class.. but there are tons of Psychology classes.. so I chose Psychology as my Minor.. so a Major Sociology and Minor in Psychology. and.. so I'm waiting for the school to post my transcript and give me my log in info for their website so that I can begin my Summer semester. I'm so excited to be crossing that "half way mark" .. :)
There is a light at the end of the tunnel and its getting brighter!
Well today I have a whole lot of nothing planned. Tons of laundry (pun intended ^^^ look at title).. and I've been treating the carpet for fleas.. ARGH. I never had flea problems with 3 dogs.. but.. I let that Siamese cat in our house when she had her kittens.. I didn't treat her for fleas because I didn't want to harm the kittens.. and now we've got fleas. If its not one thing.. its another.
Sigh. I hope your day is twice eventful as mine will be.
Natalie
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Awkard moments in public restrooms
There is nothing more I dislike than having to #2 in a public restroom.. but.. we were no where near home.. and I had to go.. LOL.. SORRY TMI?
anyways.. I had Luke with me.. and I went into the bathroom.. One thing I learned from a friend when I was 15 and in Guadalajara.. is a thing called a "courtesy flush"... so thing won't stink.
LOL I'm laughing at myself for even sharing this.
So I'm in the bathroom stall and Luke is in the little seat for kids.. slowly slumping over.. *sigh* I'm quiet.. and doing my courtesy flush because I would be so embarassed if someone came in and made a comment about how it stinks..
HAHAHA WHY AM I TYPING THIS!?!?!
anyways.. so I'm sitting there in the quiet with Luke.. and.. 2 women walk in.. I hear them chatting *being very loud* and.. one chick tells the other chick.. "Remind me to go poop after we eat lunch.. I think it'll make me feel better"
wth? LOL.. and so I'm sitting there giggling to myself as they continue with their loud and obnoxious embarassing comments.. I was thinking to myself.. OMG I would not say these things in a public bathroom. (the first thing I do in a public bathroom is see how many people are in the bathroom when I go LOL)
anyways.. so Luke is so quiet during the whole thing.. just smiling at me ... and while these chicks are washing their hands (I'm being quiet because I am embarassed).. LUKE OUT LETS OUT THIS HUGE LOUD SQUEAL!!!!.. and I hear one chick say to the other chick.. "Did you hear that?".. and then they ran out of the bathroom giggling.
OH MY GOSH THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE THAT A BABY WAS SQUEALING IN THE BATHROOM. I was so nervous they'd send an employee in to investigate "because someone abandoned a baby in a stall.."
and what if someone had abandoned a baby in the stall???? No one reported him squealing.. It makes me sad to think of a 5 month old left all alone by himself in the bathroom.
Sigh. thats the last time I use a public restroom.... er.. until I absolutely have to.. again.. LOL
oh my word. I ran out of the bathroom when I was finished.. I found Brian.. and I could not catch my breath because I was laughing so hard while telling him about the convo those chicks were having.
AWKWARD.
anyways.. I had Luke with me.. and I went into the bathroom.. One thing I learned from a friend when I was 15 and in Guadalajara.. is a thing called a "courtesy flush"... so thing won't stink.
LOL I'm laughing at myself for even sharing this.
So I'm in the bathroom stall and Luke is in the little seat for kids.. slowly slumping over.. *sigh* I'm quiet.. and doing my courtesy flush because I would be so embarassed if someone came in and made a comment about how it stinks..
HAHAHA WHY AM I TYPING THIS!?!?!
anyways.. so I'm sitting there in the quiet with Luke.. and.. 2 women walk in.. I hear them chatting *being very loud* and.. one chick tells the other chick.. "Remind me to go poop after we eat lunch.. I think it'll make me feel better"
wth? LOL.. and so I'm sitting there giggling to myself as they continue with their loud and obnoxious embarassing comments.. I was thinking to myself.. OMG I would not say these things in a public bathroom. (the first thing I do in a public bathroom is see how many people are in the bathroom when I go LOL)
anyways.. so Luke is so quiet during the whole thing.. just smiling at me ... and while these chicks are washing their hands (I'm being quiet because I am embarassed).. LUKE OUT LETS OUT THIS HUGE LOUD SQUEAL!!!!.. and I hear one chick say to the other chick.. "Did you hear that?".. and then they ran out of the bathroom giggling.
OH MY GOSH THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE THAT A BABY WAS SQUEALING IN THE BATHROOM. I was so nervous they'd send an employee in to investigate "because someone abandoned a baby in a stall.."
and what if someone had abandoned a baby in the stall???? No one reported him squealing.. It makes me sad to think of a 5 month old left all alone by himself in the bathroom.
Sigh. thats the last time I use a public restroom.... er.. until I absolutely have to.. again.. LOL
oh my word. I ran out of the bathroom when I was finished.. I found Brian.. and I could not catch my breath because I was laughing so hard while telling him about the convo those chicks were having.
AWKWARD.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
A reflection on my life
Today I thought I would write a reflection on the last 10 years of my life. 10 years ago, I was placed in foster care. I think we all have those days that we make decisions that change everything about how the rest of our lives play out.
I was in 8th grade, 13 years old and I absolutely refused to go home from school. A police officer drove me to the youth shelter. I can tell you that I had no clue what was going to happen. I had no clue what to expect. If you had told me that day.. That this is where I’d be.. I don’t know that I would have believed you. At 13, I had already started trying to imagine my life in a different light. I already wanted to be 18 and on my own. As a child, you try to imagine how things will play out, what life will be like, and how it will feel to be free.
I spent a month in the youth shelter. I was asked several times to go back home. I remember my mom coming up several times. I still refused. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to live under those circumstances. My little sister was so mad at me. She wanted to be home with my mom. Evelyn was her favorite. I was taken out of the home and of course they removed Evelyn. Evelyn spent the month in the shelter with me. I stood my ground. I refused to go home and we were put into separate foster homes until we could be reunited under one roof. The purpose of foster care is not to take children away from their families but to rehabilitate those homes, and to make those homes safe for children with the hope of reuniting them.
I had been in foster care for a year and a half in May of 2003. I still remember clearly that the State was still trying to place me back at home. I still was in a position to say that I did not want to go home. And that I would not go home. I don’t think I ever considered how that made anyone else feel. I understood my mom was mentally ill.. But my moms condition really hurt me. I cried myself to sleep very often. My heart was broken and I did not think anyone understood. On May 21, 2003 I went on a visit with my mom. My older sister was going to drive us to my nieces graduation. I stood outside the car and told my mom that there were not enough seat belts in the car. I knew Kenia and her brother were going to be coming home with us. My mom told me to shut up and to get into the car. This would be a moment in her life that changed everything.
On the way home, Kenia and Iggy were in my lap. And the last thing I remember is looking over and hearing my mom and her boyfriend scream. I woke up 5 days later, with eyes swollen shut, and tubes coming out of my neck and mouth. I wasn’t emotional. Everything was fuzzy. I felt numb when I woke up. I was told my mom and niece had died. I was told of my injuries.. And I remember trying to touch my face and having my hands pulled away from my face. The first time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize myself. I knew I was Natalie but I had no recollection of the girl in the pictures that were posted all over my hospital room. This was a moment in my life that changed everything. This experience rewired my brain completely.
If you had told me that day.. That this is what would have happened to me.. I don’t think I would have believed you. I told my mom I had a “bad” feeling but I’m pretty sure I made that up. Those memories are fresh on my mind. It almost feels as if it were yesterday but I still can’t believe tomorrow makes 9 years. I was no longer pushed to go home or anywhere after my mom died. I was just floating around in the system. Even though I had several people offer to take me in, there was still that sense that I belonged to no one, and I had no home. I can remember that feeling from a very early age. I can clearly remember going through my moms things when I was 8. I hoped I would find some little trace of something that said I wasn’t hers. I hoped I was adopted or kidnapped or something. I never found anything.
I spent my life never belonging anywhere. I had my mom but what I felt was something no one should ever feel. By the time I turned 18, I was so ready to be on my own. I knew I was responsible enough to take care of myself. I was ready to discover the world for myself.
6 years later. 9 years since the accident. I’ve found my little niche. I won’t lie to you. The 5 years I was in foster care were some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced. My time in care probably wouldn’t have been so bad had I not been overwhelmed with my insecurity and depression. But today I am depression free. I am married, Brian and I have two beautiful children. And I am a Junior in college. I don’t feel any heart ache. I am not broken. Everyone wonders what their purpose is, or why they’re here.. I don’t think my purpose really ever dawned on me until today. I was thinking about how happy I am. Things that give you purpose really make you happy. My purpose is to be a good mother, and to give my children the best life I possibly can. There is no way for me to go back and change anything I’ve ever experienced. I can’t take away the pain, or discomfort. I can not replace the memories. But as a mother today, I can provide my children so much more. The heartache I felt has prepared me for this moment. In this moment, I can wrap my arms around my children and squeeze them as tight as I can. I can kiss them, and tell them how much I love them. I don’t have those memories with my mom. In this moment, I can give my children stability I never experienced. I can give them memories I will never have with my parents.
Ten years ago, I would have never imagined this. I would not have ever imagined actually being married, having children, building a home. I was so desperate to get out of the cycle I was forced to be in, I would have done anything to get out and away. I love my mom. I love my niece. My love for them is something that is instilled in me. But what has came from my decisions has most certainly been good. I don’t look at my life as being a bad thing. I would not want to relive any of what I’ve experienced. Those memories are still within reach. I know what all of it felt like. But had I known this is where I would be at this time, I wouldn’t have been as lonely or insecure.
My life is nothing I could have ever predicted but I am happy with where I am today. If all I’ve been through was only for this moment of happiness, security, and fulfillment, then I’d say the last 10 years have been absolutely worth it. I am thankful for the opportunity to live a life that is meaningful.
Sigh.. When I read what I write, it never makes sense. It doesn’t feel organized. It feels choppy and all over the place. Blah. Ten years is a long time. I have a lot of memories and I’ve learned all kinds of things.
1. Anything can happen at any time.
2. Expect the unexpected.
3. Life is worth living.
4. I forgot. Ask me later.
-Natalie
I was in 8th grade, 13 years old and I absolutely refused to go home from school. A police officer drove me to the youth shelter. I can tell you that I had no clue what was going to happen. I had no clue what to expect. If you had told me that day.. That this is where I’d be.. I don’t know that I would have believed you. At 13, I had already started trying to imagine my life in a different light. I already wanted to be 18 and on my own. As a child, you try to imagine how things will play out, what life will be like, and how it will feel to be free.
I spent a month in the youth shelter. I was asked several times to go back home. I remember my mom coming up several times. I still refused. I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to live under those circumstances. My little sister was so mad at me. She wanted to be home with my mom. Evelyn was her favorite. I was taken out of the home and of course they removed Evelyn. Evelyn spent the month in the shelter with me. I stood my ground. I refused to go home and we were put into separate foster homes until we could be reunited under one roof. The purpose of foster care is not to take children away from their families but to rehabilitate those homes, and to make those homes safe for children with the hope of reuniting them.
I had been in foster care for a year and a half in May of 2003. I still remember clearly that the State was still trying to place me back at home. I still was in a position to say that I did not want to go home. And that I would not go home. I don’t think I ever considered how that made anyone else feel. I understood my mom was mentally ill.. But my moms condition really hurt me. I cried myself to sleep very often. My heart was broken and I did not think anyone understood. On May 21, 2003 I went on a visit with my mom. My older sister was going to drive us to my nieces graduation. I stood outside the car and told my mom that there were not enough seat belts in the car. I knew Kenia and her brother were going to be coming home with us. My mom told me to shut up and to get into the car. This would be a moment in her life that changed everything.
On the way home, Kenia and Iggy were in my lap. And the last thing I remember is looking over and hearing my mom and her boyfriend scream. I woke up 5 days later, with eyes swollen shut, and tubes coming out of my neck and mouth. I wasn’t emotional. Everything was fuzzy. I felt numb when I woke up. I was told my mom and niece had died. I was told of my injuries.. And I remember trying to touch my face and having my hands pulled away from my face. The first time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize myself. I knew I was Natalie but I had no recollection of the girl in the pictures that were posted all over my hospital room. This was a moment in my life that changed everything. This experience rewired my brain completely.
If you had told me that day.. That this is what would have happened to me.. I don’t think I would have believed you. I told my mom I had a “bad” feeling but I’m pretty sure I made that up. Those memories are fresh on my mind. It almost feels as if it were yesterday but I still can’t believe tomorrow makes 9 years. I was no longer pushed to go home or anywhere after my mom died. I was just floating around in the system. Even though I had several people offer to take me in, there was still that sense that I belonged to no one, and I had no home. I can remember that feeling from a very early age. I can clearly remember going through my moms things when I was 8. I hoped I would find some little trace of something that said I wasn’t hers. I hoped I was adopted or kidnapped or something. I never found anything.
I spent my life never belonging anywhere. I had my mom but what I felt was something no one should ever feel. By the time I turned 18, I was so ready to be on my own. I knew I was responsible enough to take care of myself. I was ready to discover the world for myself.
6 years later. 9 years since the accident. I’ve found my little niche. I won’t lie to you. The 5 years I was in foster care were some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced. My time in care probably wouldn’t have been so bad had I not been overwhelmed with my insecurity and depression. But today I am depression free. I am married, Brian and I have two beautiful children. And I am a Junior in college. I don’t feel any heart ache. I am not broken. Everyone wonders what their purpose is, or why they’re here.. I don’t think my purpose really ever dawned on me until today. I was thinking about how happy I am. Things that give you purpose really make you happy. My purpose is to be a good mother, and to give my children the best life I possibly can. There is no way for me to go back and change anything I’ve ever experienced. I can’t take away the pain, or discomfort. I can not replace the memories. But as a mother today, I can provide my children so much more. The heartache I felt has prepared me for this moment. In this moment, I can wrap my arms around my children and squeeze them as tight as I can. I can kiss them, and tell them how much I love them. I don’t have those memories with my mom. In this moment, I can give my children stability I never experienced. I can give them memories I will never have with my parents.
Ten years ago, I would have never imagined this. I would not have ever imagined actually being married, having children, building a home. I was so desperate to get out of the cycle I was forced to be in, I would have done anything to get out and away. I love my mom. I love my niece. My love for them is something that is instilled in me. But what has came from my decisions has most certainly been good. I don’t look at my life as being a bad thing. I would not want to relive any of what I’ve experienced. Those memories are still within reach. I know what all of it felt like. But had I known this is where I would be at this time, I wouldn’t have been as lonely or insecure.
My life is nothing I could have ever predicted but I am happy with where I am today. If all I’ve been through was only for this moment of happiness, security, and fulfillment, then I’d say the last 10 years have been absolutely worth it. I am thankful for the opportunity to live a life that is meaningful.
Sigh.. When I read what I write, it never makes sense. It doesn’t feel organized. It feels choppy and all over the place. Blah. Ten years is a long time. I have a lot of memories and I’ve learned all kinds of things.
1. Anything can happen at any time.
2. Expect the unexpected.
3. Life is worth living.
4. I forgot. Ask me later.
-Natalie
Friday, May 18, 2012
Restless fingers make me type.
Today has been a good day. Woke up early to a phone call from our contractor. We went outside and he explained how we're supposed to stuff insulation around our windows and doors. The electrician is supposed to come on Monday and we'll have brick soon after that.
We have shingles on our roof. Its soo exciting. I'm still painting this damn trim... white is a beautiful color but I have to do several coats because the smallest blemish shows. Brian should be home in the next 30 minutes or so.. and he's going to help me finish.
Luke has been a good baby today.. he only cried when I went to the bathroom to do my business.. and Raegan has been very pleasant. She looks forward to every day when Brian gets off work. He takes her outside and she runs around our "work in progress" (our new home)
Today has went by pretty fast.. The house is quiet and I'm listening to some Jason Aldean. Ahh there are some songs that make me feel nostalgic. I can't explain the feeling it gives me.. its calming, kind of soothes my soul. We all have those songs.. and we all know that feeling. It feels almost as if he's singing the song to me. ah! lol
I'm trying to think of what I should say. There is plenty I could talk about.. but with this blog being so public.. I shall restrain myself.
Anyways.. first thought in my head. I can't wait to move into our new house. (my house my house my house....yes someday I'll eventually stop talking about it)... I'm ready to deep clean everything and start over in our new house. Brian and I never had a wedding shower.. so we didn't have tons of nice new stuff when we came home from our wedding. We've got some stuff, new comforters and wall decor.. its all still packaged.. we're waiting until the day we move in to actually open them. I look forward to new towels, and sheets, and pillows.. a beautiful dining room table.. and a beautiful bedroom set. Slowly but surely.. I'm so excited to actually feel like I'm in my home, that's comfortable and not cluttered. This house is so small.. and while I'm thankful for a roof over my head, I can't help but feel bitter and annoyed towards this house. I've known since I moved in, that this is not my forever home.. so I've been ready to get out of it from the beginning.. and THE TIME HAS COME! :) YAY.. almost. Sigh.
Today I miss my dear friend a bunch. She lives in Germany for the time being... 3 years is a long time.. I'm ready for her to be back though. I enjoy texting her every day.. and her encouragement and her opinion and her companionship. (Pssst. Heather I'm talking about you!)
I must say.. I also can't help but think about how I'm in a really good spot. I enjoy my life. I haven't been this happy in ....ever. I know life is a roller coaster.. but I'm on a good high. I don't think I've ever been so content with life. After I had Raegan, I had so many nervous breakdowns.. I was such an emotional wreck. Life was really stressful. But.. Things are so much better after Luke. I really am happy and I enjoy every day so much. I enjoy waking up, and I enjoy going to bed. I know even though things were stressful, I was happy with Raegan, but not this happy. not this content. Things really seem to be going my way. I hate to jinx myself. Being as happy as I am makes me really notice how different Brian and I are. Not necessarily in a bad way. I am an optimist. Brian on the other hand is a pessimist. Its frustrating.. and I point it out every time he says something negative to counteract my happiness or what I'm excited for. Its annoying. Of course with being a glass half full person.. I understand things go wrong.. but things also get better.. but Brian only things of the things that can go wrong. I don't know if theres any way for me to RE-wire the way he thinks. I think he'd be a happier person if he wasn't so concerned with the things that will or won't happen, or will or won't go wrong. Sigh.. input?
Blah blah blah..
Luke is starting to wimper.. I'm going to go roll around in the floor with him.
Natalie
We have shingles on our roof. Its soo exciting. I'm still painting this damn trim... white is a beautiful color but I have to do several coats because the smallest blemish shows. Brian should be home in the next 30 minutes or so.. and he's going to help me finish.
Luke has been a good baby today.. he only cried when I went to the bathroom to do my business.. and Raegan has been very pleasant. She looks forward to every day when Brian gets off work. He takes her outside and she runs around our "work in progress" (our new home)
Today has went by pretty fast.. The house is quiet and I'm listening to some Jason Aldean. Ahh there are some songs that make me feel nostalgic. I can't explain the feeling it gives me.. its calming, kind of soothes my soul. We all have those songs.. and we all know that feeling. It feels almost as if he's singing the song to me. ah! lol
I'm trying to think of what I should say. There is plenty I could talk about.. but with this blog being so public.. I shall restrain myself.
Anyways.. first thought in my head. I can't wait to move into our new house. (my house my house my house....yes someday I'll eventually stop talking about it)... I'm ready to deep clean everything and start over in our new house. Brian and I never had a wedding shower.. so we didn't have tons of nice new stuff when we came home from our wedding. We've got some stuff, new comforters and wall decor.. its all still packaged.. we're waiting until the day we move in to actually open them. I look forward to new towels, and sheets, and pillows.. a beautiful dining room table.. and a beautiful bedroom set. Slowly but surely.. I'm so excited to actually feel like I'm in my home, that's comfortable and not cluttered. This house is so small.. and while I'm thankful for a roof over my head, I can't help but feel bitter and annoyed towards this house. I've known since I moved in, that this is not my forever home.. so I've been ready to get out of it from the beginning.. and THE TIME HAS COME! :) YAY.. almost. Sigh.
Today I miss my dear friend a bunch. She lives in Germany for the time being... 3 years is a long time.. I'm ready for her to be back though. I enjoy texting her every day.. and her encouragement and her opinion and her companionship. (Pssst. Heather I'm talking about you!)
I must say.. I also can't help but think about how I'm in a really good spot. I enjoy my life. I haven't been this happy in ....ever. I know life is a roller coaster.. but I'm on a good high. I don't think I've ever been so content with life. After I had Raegan, I had so many nervous breakdowns.. I was such an emotional wreck. Life was really stressful. But.. Things are so much better after Luke. I really am happy and I enjoy every day so much. I enjoy waking up, and I enjoy going to bed. I know even though things were stressful, I was happy with Raegan, but not this happy. not this content. Things really seem to be going my way. I hate to jinx myself. Being as happy as I am makes me really notice how different Brian and I are. Not necessarily in a bad way. I am an optimist. Brian on the other hand is a pessimist. Its frustrating.. and I point it out every time he says something negative to counteract my happiness or what I'm excited for. Its annoying. Of course with being a glass half full person.. I understand things go wrong.. but things also get better.. but Brian only things of the things that can go wrong. I don't know if theres any way for me to RE-wire the way he thinks. I think he'd be a happier person if he wasn't so concerned with the things that will or won't happen, or will or won't go wrong. Sigh.. input?
Blah blah blah..
Luke is starting to wimper.. I'm going to go roll around in the floor with him.
Natalie
Saturday, May 12, 2012
What I think.
Okay no one has asked me my opinion on the Times Magazine Cover.. but.. :) I shall tell you anyways.
My opinion is that a mother should breastfeed her child as long as her child wants or needs it. Every person parents differently. Nothing annoys me more than how the world views breastfeeding.
My personal opinion is that breastfeeding is something beautiful that was created by God and perverted by man. I follow my instincts and I believe that allows me to be a better parent. I don't like comparing myself to an animal.. but I guess in a sense we are all the same. Naturally a woman has instincts that tell her and guide her on how to care for her children, and to raise them. I don't mind a doctors advice but I prefer to follow my instincts and let my child do things at her own pace. I understand that there are many mothers who have to work. I understand that breastfeeding can be frustrating and that some mothers can not handle the pressures of work, their daily lives and breastfeeding. When I had Raegan, I was a stay at home mom but I chose to formula feed. This time with Luke, I am still a stay at home mother, but I am breastfeeding Luke. I can tell you with certainty that both experiences were and are completely different. Raegan is still a healthy, smart and beautiful 3 year old little girl but I feel like I have a much closer bond with Luke, than I did with Raegan. But I suppose I could also attribute how I feel about my bond with my children to their ages, Raegan is 3 and much more independent. Luke is 4 months old and depends on me for EVERYTHING.
I enjoy being with my children everyday. I have my moments where I would love to be with my husband.. but I'd prefer him to be home more with all of us than just alone with me. Parenting is so hard, I won't lie. It is a huge commitment. Once I knew I was pregnant with Raegan, I had to evaluate myself, my life, my values and what I wanted as a parent. My goal is to raise healthy, beautiful, caring, loving, dedicated children who love to serve others.. and wish to pursue change. I want my children to know they can be successful and happy without seeking riches or fame.
I believe spending every day with my children gives them stability that I never had, breastfeeding Luke gives he and I a bond that I never shared with my mother. I've never let either of my children "cry-it-out".. You may believe that's best for your family.. but I believe that if my child is crying, its for a reason. Everyone swore up and down that Raegan was being manipulative when she cried, which was totally not true. She's such a sweet little girl, and is so funny and bright. She is such a blessing. I rocked Raegan to sleep every day for the first 3 years of her life. My mom never rocked me to sleep, never held me when I cried, never kissed my booboos. I never felt comforted by her. I believe my purpose as a mother is to defend, protect and love my children unconditionally.
I never realized that wearing your child in a wrap or sling was considered attachment parenting. To tell you the truth I don't know anything about attachment parenting, I haven't read anything about it, but maybe I should become more informed about it. I do everything how I want to, as I know my family and children best. But wearing Luke in a wrap is so much easier than the days I had to carry Raegan around everywhere in a car seat, I love that Luke rests his head on my chest as I walk around wal-mart or wherever I'm shopping. He listens to my heartbeat, and My tight embrace comforts him and makes him feel protected. What is sweeter than that?
I don't know if I've even made how I feel clear in my post, I just feel like parenting would be so much easier if we listened to our body and instincts. No lie, after I felt Luke, I could feel something I never felt when I first held Raegan. It was most definitely my instincts, it was almost as if I felt a force of energy around me. I will most definitely parent my future children the same way. I wish I had breastfed Raegan, I believe wholeheartedly that my Post Partum experience would have been so much better and easier. I also will breastfeed all of my future children. It is best for my family. and I have all of the time in the world to devote to them, to nurture, cuddle and enjoy them. So I say screw the world and breastfeed your children as long as you want. We should all strive to be amazing parents, The children we raise today will be in control of the world around us in the future. We should raise children who are compassionate, and want a better tomorrow not only for themselves but for everyone around the world.
Natalie
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
A Day Gone By
I have no complaints about today. I'm able to manage two children by myself.. surprisingly well. Brian went to work around 9 this morning. I decided I was going to clean around our *new* house... Between listening to Luke whine, and chasing Raegan around so I could make sure she wasn't stepping on nails, or doing anything she shouldn't be... I only managed to stay out there for 45 minutes. Its frustrating... but I've got the whole summer to get used to it.
So I finally finished the spring semester! My last at Murray!.. It was probably the easiest.. I wish I had taken those classes earlier. I'll start the next semester at SE in just a couple of weeks. It seems the breaks between semesters go by so fast. Classes will start soon and I'll be stressed out, losing sleep, and pulling my hair out.
I sold my books back to the bookstore yesterday. I got enough back to be able to afford to get two of these stray cats spayed. I feel sad, one of the cats is pregnant but the woman I spoke to over the phone reassured me that its better to spay her now, than wait until she has the kittens because they probably won't find homes. She said she puts kittens to sleep every day. It makes me sad just thinking about taking a momma cat in and her not having her kittens when she comes out. I imagine that motherhood is the same for cats just as it is for humans. The strong desire to love and protect your babies. It makes me sad, I don't want to play God. I don't want to decide that her kittens aren't worth anything. Life itself is beautiful..and if I could I would take all of the kittens.. I just wish that I had gotten her spayed sooner (to avoid her pregnancy) or that she wasn't pregnant.. because I don't want to do this. I just can't afford to have a million cats running around, and I can't afford to spay 5-7 more kittens on top of the cats I've already got to spay. Brian's step dad says he'll take care of the cats if I don't spay them. When he says "take care of them" he means he'll shoot them, and make sure they're dead. That breaks my heart too. I've found all but one kitten a home (different momma cat)... I figured the 3 Siamese cats would go first.. everything I've read says that black cats are the most unlikely to find a home. :( These kittens are beautiful.. again I'd keep all of them but I can't feed all of them.
Sigh.. in other news..No one has came out today to work on the house. The contractor came over and had Brian sign some checks.. He said that some of the framers were sick but they'd be out here asap to finish the shingles and windows/doors. He told Brian that he expects it to be done Friday.. which is a day and a half away. We'll be painting trim soon and dragging the shingles to the roof. I've swept inside the house a couple of times.. but the wind blows the dust back into the house. There are plenty of nails that need to be picked up. I really don't enjoy picking up other people's trash. I would never go onto someone else property and throw trash and unwanted goods all across it. We were told to put trash cans out. But most of the men don't use them. They throw their disgusting cigarettes down.. along with their empty cups and water bottles. I'll be happy when this process is done.
Raegan and Luke want my attention.
I've got to go.
Natalie
So I finally finished the spring semester! My last at Murray!.. It was probably the easiest.. I wish I had taken those classes earlier. I'll start the next semester at SE in just a couple of weeks. It seems the breaks between semesters go by so fast. Classes will start soon and I'll be stressed out, losing sleep, and pulling my hair out.
I sold my books back to the bookstore yesterday. I got enough back to be able to afford to get two of these stray cats spayed. I feel sad, one of the cats is pregnant but the woman I spoke to over the phone reassured me that its better to spay her now, than wait until she has the kittens because they probably won't find homes. She said she puts kittens to sleep every day. It makes me sad just thinking about taking a momma cat in and her not having her kittens when she comes out. I imagine that motherhood is the same for cats just as it is for humans. The strong desire to love and protect your babies. It makes me sad, I don't want to play God. I don't want to decide that her kittens aren't worth anything. Life itself is beautiful..and if I could I would take all of the kittens.. I just wish that I had gotten her spayed sooner (to avoid her pregnancy) or that she wasn't pregnant.. because I don't want to do this. I just can't afford to have a million cats running around, and I can't afford to spay 5-7 more kittens on top of the cats I've already got to spay. Brian's step dad says he'll take care of the cats if I don't spay them. When he says "take care of them" he means he'll shoot them, and make sure they're dead. That breaks my heart too. I've found all but one kitten a home (different momma cat)... I figured the 3 Siamese cats would go first.. everything I've read says that black cats are the most unlikely to find a home. :( These kittens are beautiful.. again I'd keep all of them but I can't feed all of them.
Sigh.. in other news..No one has came out today to work on the house. The contractor came over and had Brian sign some checks.. He said that some of the framers were sick but they'd be out here asap to finish the shingles and windows/doors. He told Brian that he expects it to be done Friday.. which is a day and a half away. We'll be painting trim soon and dragging the shingles to the roof. I've swept inside the house a couple of times.. but the wind blows the dust back into the house. There are plenty of nails that need to be picked up. I really don't enjoy picking up other people's trash. I would never go onto someone else property and throw trash and unwanted goods all across it. We were told to put trash cans out. But most of the men don't use them. They throw their disgusting cigarettes down.. along with their empty cups and water bottles. I'll be happy when this process is done.
Raegan and Luke want my attention.
I've got to go.
Natalie
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Gobbledygook.
Today is slow, but not slow enough. Brian has to go to work in a couple of hours. We've already been outside today to walk around our unfinished frame. The contractor said yesterday that the framers would work all weekend to finish it by Monday.. but its 11:30 and theres no one out here. I don't think anyone is going to come out today because its only going to get hotter from here.
I read some of my blogs on Myspace. Especially the very few I wrote after I had Raegan. I read them, and I could see how helpless and hopeless I felt. I'm glad I'm not in that position anymore. I am happy. Very happy.
No one ever openly discusses all of the hard things they experience after having a baby. People think of babies as being fun and cute.. but its hard, taking care of a baby and putting a baby before yourself. Having children effects everything about your life, and how you feel, your priorities and everything else. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my babies. But its having gone through it once, and now experiencing everything for a second time...I'm able to see how much better things are this time around. Everything is SO much better. I feel better. and I'm happier. I don't feel as hopeless or helpless. and I actually feel more like I'm serving a purpose than just existing or "babysitting".
Well.. anyways I just wanted to update that today is going good. and I'm hungry.
Rawr!
Natalie.
I read some of my blogs on Myspace. Especially the very few I wrote after I had Raegan. I read them, and I could see how helpless and hopeless I felt. I'm glad I'm not in that position anymore. I am happy. Very happy.
No one ever openly discusses all of the hard things they experience after having a baby. People think of babies as being fun and cute.. but its hard, taking care of a baby and putting a baby before yourself. Having children effects everything about your life, and how you feel, your priorities and everything else. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my babies. But its having gone through it once, and now experiencing everything for a second time...I'm able to see how much better things are this time around. Everything is SO much better. I feel better. and I'm happier. I don't feel as hopeless or helpless. and I actually feel more like I'm serving a purpose than just existing or "babysitting".
Well.. anyways I just wanted to update that today is going good. and I'm hungry.
Rawr!
Natalie.
Friday, May 4, 2012
More of my rambling.
Okay so. jslkdfjsdlfkllskdfjsldkfjslkdfjslkfj
My news interview aired on tv the night before last. I can't tell you how much anxiety I had, upset stomach, couldn't sleep or eat for 2 days.... and then when it aired I felt like hiding under a rock. but I've slept since then and I feel so much better. The weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. and I got a lot of positive feedback. I feel much much better.
So as far as the house goes.. Yesterday someone brought lumber, and other building materials. and someone else brought the shingles for the roof. I woke up around 7 this morning and there were men out there.. They're still outside working on our frame! It should be done before Monday!... Oh and Someone just brought our windows and doors. This is so exciting! asl;dkfjasl;kdfjasl;dkfjasdl;kfjasdl;kfjas;ldkfj :) This process has been long, and excruciating but this is making me so happy!
When the dirt was poured ...Raegan referred to the area as a "Mountain"... and she still calls it a mountain even though theres a concrete slab and.. lumber. We go out there every evening when Brian gets off work. She loves running around. I have a feeling she's going to love this evening even more.. because she'll get to "run" through every room.
Luke has no personal opinion about the house.. He's the silent/quiet type. lol.. He's about like Brian.. He shows no emotions. He's currently laying in his bassinet next to me.. sucking on his pacifier and wrapped in a blanket that was given to him by his cousin Evie Lou. He's too cute. He's beautiful.. I love looking at him, his smile is gorgeous..
His eyes are starting to roll around.. and he's drifting to sleep. Lets see how long this lasts. Raegan has a radar like no other. The moment he starts falling asleep she always starts dancing and running around the room.
Luke just smiled and closed his eyes. Sweet dreams.
So I finished my final for my "Deviance, Crime and Delinquency" class. I did it while Raegan cried, and Luke screamed.. yet I managed to make an 84 on it. So my final grade is a 79.. who knows if my professor will round it to a B.. or what.
and.. in my other sociology class .. I've got a final over terms in our text book. There is no reason I can't make a 100 on this test.. and if I make a 100, it'll bring my grade up from a 93 to a 98.... woohoo. As my GPA goes up, so does my brain cell count..lol
I'm trying to think of more to say....but if I go any further I'll just be rambling. :) So I'm going to end this short, choppy post. :)
Have a lovely day..
P.S. Raegan felt the need to run up behind me and slap my flabby love handles. Nice.
Natalie
My news interview aired on tv the night before last. I can't tell you how much anxiety I had, upset stomach, couldn't sleep or eat for 2 days.... and then when it aired I felt like hiding under a rock. but I've slept since then and I feel so much better. The weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. and I got a lot of positive feedback. I feel much much better.
So as far as the house goes.. Yesterday someone brought lumber, and other building materials. and someone else brought the shingles for the roof. I woke up around 7 this morning and there were men out there.. They're still outside working on our frame! It should be done before Monday!... Oh and Someone just brought our windows and doors. This is so exciting! asl;dkfjasl;kdfjasl;dkfjasdl;kfjasdl;kfjas;ldkfj :) This process has been long, and excruciating but this is making me so happy!
When the dirt was poured ...Raegan referred to the area as a "Mountain"... and she still calls it a mountain even though theres a concrete slab and.. lumber. We go out there every evening when Brian gets off work. She loves running around. I have a feeling she's going to love this evening even more.. because she'll get to "run" through every room.
Luke has no personal opinion about the house.. He's the silent/quiet type. lol.. He's about like Brian.. He shows no emotions. He's currently laying in his bassinet next to me.. sucking on his pacifier and wrapped in a blanket that was given to him by his cousin Evie Lou. He's too cute. He's beautiful.. I love looking at him, his smile is gorgeous..
His eyes are starting to roll around.. and he's drifting to sleep. Lets see how long this lasts. Raegan has a radar like no other. The moment he starts falling asleep she always starts dancing and running around the room.
Luke just smiled and closed his eyes. Sweet dreams.
So I finished my final for my "Deviance, Crime and Delinquency" class. I did it while Raegan cried, and Luke screamed.. yet I managed to make an 84 on it. So my final grade is a 79.. who knows if my professor will round it to a B.. or what.
and.. in my other sociology class .. I've got a final over terms in our text book. There is no reason I can't make a 100 on this test.. and if I make a 100, it'll bring my grade up from a 93 to a 98.... woohoo. As my GPA goes up, so does my brain cell count..lol
I'm trying to think of more to say....but if I go any further I'll just be rambling. :) So I'm going to end this short, choppy post. :)
Have a lovely day..
P.S. Raegan felt the need to run up behind me and slap my flabby love handles. Nice.
Natalie
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Nasty little wench.
Okay so I did an interview with our local news station. It was supposed to be about my experience dealing with my plastic surgery but I think it ended up being more about my recovery and how my injuries effected me after the accident.
At this moment it is 12:35 a.m. And I can't sleep because of my anxiety. I feel like an idiot. The last thing I want to do is make an idiot of myself on tv. But a friend told me that "you are your harshest critic." to be honest, I feel like I said too much and too little. But I'm going to be okay. At least that is what I keep telling myself. I don't feel I'm as amazing as what people say, or that my story is that amazing. It's filled with twists and turns. I've had no choice but to live it. I completely understand why some actors and actresses don't watch movies they're in. There's so much pressure.
Breathe slowly...I also have this fear that the reporter is going to twist my words or make me look bad for sweeps. Ahh! I've seen too many chick flicks...examples being "Little Black Book" and "Bruce almighty" (the characters fight for sweeps in the movie) anyways, I think I'll survive. But I may hide in a shell for a few days. I've been so completely honest with everyone about my entire life, I think I'm most worried about negative reviews. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has felt how I've felt growing up...but I suppose that my experience is unique in the sense that I just shared my feelings with viewers all over North Texas and SE Oklahoma.
Honesty is the best policy....I hope. ... I rebuke this anxiety. It has no place in my life.
*twiddle's thumbs* sigh.
Oh and the nasty little wench is my anxiety. Couldn't think of a clever title. :)
-Natalie
At this moment it is 12:35 a.m. And I can't sleep because of my anxiety. I feel like an idiot. The last thing I want to do is make an idiot of myself on tv. But a friend told me that "you are your harshest critic." to be honest, I feel like I said too much and too little. But I'm going to be okay. At least that is what I keep telling myself. I don't feel I'm as amazing as what people say, or that my story is that amazing. It's filled with twists and turns. I've had no choice but to live it. I completely understand why some actors and actresses don't watch movies they're in. There's so much pressure.
Breathe slowly...I also have this fear that the reporter is going to twist my words or make me look bad for sweeps. Ahh! I've seen too many chick flicks...examples being "Little Black Book" and "Bruce almighty" (the characters fight for sweeps in the movie) anyways, I think I'll survive. But I may hide in a shell for a few days. I've been so completely honest with everyone about my entire life, I think I'm most worried about negative reviews. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has felt how I've felt growing up...but I suppose that my experience is unique in the sense that I just shared my feelings with viewers all over North Texas and SE Oklahoma.
Honesty is the best policy....I hope. ... I rebuke this anxiety. It has no place in my life.
*twiddle's thumbs* sigh.
Oh and the nasty little wench is my anxiety. Couldn't think of a clever title. :)
-Natalie
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