I decided to update my blog since its been 6 months since I wrote last. I moved out in January.
My life has not been easy. I got a job at Walmart which has been a joke. Noone will hire me because I'm over educated, and I don't have enough work experience. Brian is a douche bag...as I predicted.
Luke is attached to him, cries for him every time he leaves.
I changed churches. found out that Brian had a relationship with Veronica. was nearly evicted from my apartment which was Veronicas formers ap
Sunday, September 10, 2023
Saturday, September 9, 2023
A Reflection
Even after nearly 9 years, and the countless times I've written in a journal or blog.. I think one of the things I've never written about is the first time I looked in a mirror after the accident.
The first thing I remember after waking up, is that I couldn't see anything. My eyes were swollen shut. All I could hear was voices. I don't know how much time passed because everything is a blur but I remember that once I could see, I couldn't talk. The tubes coming from my mouth and throat didn't allow me to. Anytime I wanted to say anything, I had to spell it out. I remember spelling everything as being frustrating, and confusing... even though I can remember thinking "clearly" in my head.. everything that came out seemed a little distorted. I remember trying to tell my foster parent what my social security number was. I knew it, I was thinking it in my head but I wasn't able to relay the message through my fingers correctly.
As time went by, I was able to open my eyes more, and the tubes were removed, I started eating on my own.. and I was able to go to the bathroom on my own once the catheter was removed.
My hospital room was covered in posters, and pictures. My friends from school had all signed the posters. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom. I don't think anyone else was there, but maybe a nurse waiting outside the door to help me back in bed. But I remember staring at the walls. I recognized the people in the pictures, but the pain medications I had been given had an "amnesia effect"... I knew the people but I couldn't remember what was going on when those pictures were taken. I stared at those pictures for a little while, and then went to the bathroom. I remember standing at the sink and staring at my face. I remember thinking "How can that be me?, I don't even look like that girl"
I didn't even recognize myself, or believe that I was me. I wasn't emotional. I didn't cry. I was numb. It was all I felt. I was exhausted, tired, weak and on top of everything else I didn't even know how the person in the mirror could be me.
Another thing I remember about being in the hospital.. is the first time I stood up on my own. I remember pulling my hospital gown tightly around my body so nothing in the back would show. My little sister and my foster parent were standing in front of me...and my little sister said "woah!, you're skinny!"... In a matter of 5-7 days I had lost around 20 lbs. I couldn't even see the difference.
When I was alone I would stare out the window and watch planes fly in and out of DFW. I can still remember exactly what my hospital room smelled like. and I can remember how uncomfortable it was to eat the spaghetti that was served for lunch.
I enjoyed the chocolate shakes from McDonald's though.
The last thing I remember is when I was released, I was slowly walking out of the hospital room.. and a guy carrying flowers walked in. I looked at the card and the flowers were from "The Calera Show Choir".. my music class.
The first thing I remember after waking up, is that I couldn't see anything. My eyes were swollen shut. All I could hear was voices. I don't know how much time passed because everything is a blur but I remember that once I could see, I couldn't talk. The tubes coming from my mouth and throat didn't allow me to. Anytime I wanted to say anything, I had to spell it out. I remember spelling everything as being frustrating, and confusing... even though I can remember thinking "clearly" in my head.. everything that came out seemed a little distorted. I remember trying to tell my foster parent what my social security number was. I knew it, I was thinking it in my head but I wasn't able to relay the message through my fingers correctly.
As time went by, I was able to open my eyes more, and the tubes were removed, I started eating on my own.. and I was able to go to the bathroom on my own once the catheter was removed.
My hospital room was covered in posters, and pictures. My friends from school had all signed the posters. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom. I don't think anyone else was there, but maybe a nurse waiting outside the door to help me back in bed. But I remember staring at the walls. I recognized the people in the pictures, but the pain medications I had been given had an "amnesia effect"... I knew the people but I couldn't remember what was going on when those pictures were taken. I stared at those pictures for a little while, and then went to the bathroom. I remember standing at the sink and staring at my face. I remember thinking "How can that be me?, I don't even look like that girl"
I didn't even recognize myself, or believe that I was me. I wasn't emotional. I didn't cry. I was numb. It was all I felt. I was exhausted, tired, weak and on top of everything else I didn't even know how the person in the mirror could be me.
Another thing I remember about being in the hospital.. is the first time I stood up on my own. I remember pulling my hospital gown tightly around my body so nothing in the back would show. My little sister and my foster parent were standing in front of me...and my little sister said "woah!, you're skinny!"... In a matter of 5-7 days I had lost around 20 lbs. I couldn't even see the difference.
When I was alone I would stare out the window and watch planes fly in and out of DFW. I can still remember exactly what my hospital room smelled like. and I can remember how uncomfortable it was to eat the spaghetti that was served for lunch.
I enjoyed the chocolate shakes from McDonald's though.
The last thing I remember is when I was released, I was slowly walking out of the hospital room.. and a guy carrying flowers walked in. I looked at the card and the flowers were from "The Calera Show Choir".. my music class.
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