Prison.

I imagine that this is exactly what it feels like to be almost released from prison. I can almost feel it. Its right there. I want it so bad. but in the back of my mind I know he is always going to be there. He's always going to be part of my life. I can't erase him. I can't wipe the slate clean and start over. I see people complain all of the time about how their childrens' father has nothing to do with their kids...and yet mine is going to have everything to do with mine...and he's always going to be in my business...he's always going to be bothering me.  I know its always going to be a constant struggle. I just know it.

It makes me sad. I hate feeling smothered by him. I want my space. I want to start over and be by myself and he's not going to let me do that. I just feel sad. I wish I could cry but my body won't let me.

I'm living one day at a time. I know its going to get better. I believe it. I have to..even when I feel like I hate him.

Anxiety sucks.

I hate that I don't write regularly. I am sure that if I could write everything I thought and everything I felt..then I wouldn't feel nearly as much of the anxiety that I feel at this exact moment. I hate that something can have such a hold on my body, thoughts, the way I feel.

I have been experiencing anxiety for years. I hate how it wakes me at night. The panicky feeling I get. Crying myself back to sleep. Breathing slowly and deeply to soothe myself, all while my husband is snoring soundly next to me. My heavy breathing continues for the rest of the day. The tears continue to flow. Driving through town, life continues, I drive down the winding road by the lake and continue on home but not even that can make me forget that I just don't feel right.

I keep trying to decipher where I think all of this anxiety is coming from and it just makes me cry even more. I know that in time I will feel better. Everyone has highs and lows. this is nothing new to me. This is just something I don't like feeling.  I'll be graduating from grad school in May. I'll have to to get a job. I won't have worked in 7 years. It'll be a big adjustment for me. I have other things on my mind. Its a never ending cycle.

It seems like none of this ever goes away. Every thing just piles up on the things before it. I have been attending counseling.  I had attended counseling when I was in foster care. I was not very compliant and I have a lot of guilt.  I thought this would give me the opportunity to clear my conscience and make myself feel better but its very difficult.  I did not think it would be this hard.

What doesn't break you will make you.

I've had a rough couple of days. I don't think I can even type what has happened. I feel so humiliated and let down. I feel so angry inwardly and outwardly. I can't do anything at all about the situation. either situations. I have to sit here and wait for time to pass.

I can hardly stand Brian. I told him that I wanted a divorce months ago but I'm in my last semester of grad school. I'm just trying to get through it without failing. My anxiety is so high that if  I cause any waves..I'm not sure I could do any of this on my own.  I also opened a whole other can of worms on my own. I don't know why I'm in this position. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm going through any of this. This is so incredibly hard.

I've cried every single day for the last 5 months. Its been exhausting..and an emotional roller coaster. I've been happier realizing I could have a whole new life. its scary thinking I'll have to start over from nothing but at the end of the day I go to bed in the same bed with the kiddos and I wake up next to Brian and the future is not soon enough. it does not seem real. I have to pretend every day is okay and it kills me. I have very few people to tell or talk to. Everyone else thinks everything is fine.

I feel bound by my life. My choices. My mistakes.