Okay. So long story short,
9 years ago I was in a really bad car accident, While I was in the hospital recovering from my injuries.. still drugged up with tubes everywhere.. My foster parents made a video of me.
Yesterday I checked the mail and I got a package that includes the original video. I am so excited. I am going to Walgreen's this evening to send it off and have it transferred to a dvd. I'm not emotional or anything about the accident, but I can faintly remember watching the video. I know its bad but I think it'll be nice to show my husband and a few of my friends. I met TONS of people after my accident, people who didn't know me before my accident. Its been so long that talking about the accident, or my injuries doesn't feel like a big deal. It'll be nice to refresh my memory and to show it to my husband. I think it'll help them understand that it wasn't just "an accident'. It was a really traumatic event in my life. I have my scars, and my face doesn't look the same.. but I know that I look like myself. When this video was recorded my eyes were swollen shut and to quote a friend... "My head was the size of a watermelon"
I don't think it'll upset me. I think it may shock me. Idk.. its been 8.5 years since I've even seen it. I'm so thankful that it was finally sent to me. I didn't feel like it was fair for someone to have something so personal of mine.. and me not have access to it.
I don't know how I feel about it. I think I'll probably send a copy to my nephew.. he's on the video. He was a patient in the Children's hospital. Its going to be strange watching it. It feels like yesterday. I remember what it felt like to be in the hospital. I can still recall the smell of the hospital.. and how it felt to swallow food. I remember a lot of things, but I'll be able to visualize it now.
after typing this.. I realize I'm not as "excited" but much more nervous. I am excited to have the video. Nervous to watch it.. because my memory of the video has faded.. and seeing it will be like watching it for the first time all over again.
hmmmmm.....I've contemplated sharing it with others. I know many people have their stories posted online so people can see.. but.. I hate feeling like I want attention.. but the car accident I was in was a day before school let out for the summer. I didn't see a lot of people I went to school with or knew.. until school started in August. (My accident was in May).. While I know my facial injuries were more than likely a shock to all of those around me. I also know that my swelling had went down and my injuries had healed some. I wouldn't mind sharing it with people I know... I definitely wouldn't want people feeling sorry for me, or anything..
I feel like everyone went through this with me.. I couldn't hide my injuries, I couldn't shield myself without becoming a complete hermit. I know that I look so much better now than I did when the video was recorded. I posted all of the pictures I have of me directly after the accident. I am thankful for them, but I honestly kind of wish someone had taken more pictures of me. I feel like someone should have told me that I would want pictures, and that taking pictures of my progress was a big deal. but no one said that. I really enjoy taking pictures of my children, they change so much, and I've got it documented. I feel like someone should have documented my journey. Someday when I'm long gone, the pictures I have may be left. Maybe my ggg grandchildren will look at the picture.. and they'll wonder what happened to me, or anything about the accident I was in. I hope I've left enough info for them to not be left out, or left wondering.
on another note, I found an obituary for my ggg grandfather's niece, she was 12 years old in 1877. She through oil on a fire and was covered in flames, she died from her injuries 18 hours later. I came across this obituary while searching for any trace of anything. I hope that someday if anyone is ever searching for info about me or my life, that they'll find my whole life.
I should write a book.
:)
oh and I've contemplated making about a dozen copies of the dvd... that way I can keep some and make sure they aren't ever damaged and that they'll be in a safe place where my children have access to them. I plan to somehow upload it online.. in a private way, so that its always online along with my pictures.
Natalie
I don't think it is a call for attention. This is You letting the world know *you* better. The accident was something HUGE that happened to you and your life.
ReplyDeleteI feel like sometimes people think I use Desi as an attention grabber but really, she was a part of me and really helped me become who I am. So in order to know me, you must know her and her story too. Also, her death impacted my life so much. It still does to this day... like I'm sure your accident did to your life. I'm excited and nervous for you to see the videos too.
I still remember the day after it happened. The school was silent and so hopeful for your recovery.
Also, maybe your story can help others. I'm not saying that if your uncomfortable, you should feel obligated to help others who are walking your path but maybe it would help them see how you can be a phoenix and rise from the flames and ashes. I admire you a lot for what you've overcome and become. I know you didn't choose this life but you have chose to be bigger than it. <3
Also have you heard of Nie Nie? She was in an plane accident and survived with scarring. I've been reading her blog for years and she just came out with a book named "Heaven is Here".
I feel like maybe you would like her.
http://www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/
also here is the link to her book:
http://www.hyperionbooks.com/heavenisherepreview/
Thanks for the blog link. I have never of Nie Nie. To be honest, Desi's death affected me as well as Misty's and Amanda. Its weird because they weren't part of my every day life, but it was after they're passing that I experienced feeling guilty for being alive. I know Desi, Misty and Amanda were good people, who people love(d) and its not fair that I survived and they didn't. A cousin of mine lost his gf in a car accident, he loved her very much. I met her parents, and I felt guilty for being alive and them not having their daughter. I felt so sad that they were heartbroken because they lost their only child, and only chance of having grandchildren. At this point in my life, I still experience guilt. Not only for being alive but for experiencing the good things in life that not everyone has a chance to experience. I've had to tell myself that this is just the way things are, I can't bring any one back and I can't change anything. Its really not fair. I've always felt like if I could do anything to bring them back, then I would even if it meant me not being here.
DeleteI've never heard of Nie Nie***
DeleteWe share that feeling. The guilt I carry is overwhelming sometimes. A lot of the time I catch myself thinking that I should've been the one in that accident. It's not fair to ourselves to think that way though.
ReplyDeleteYes, they were all loved tremendously, but so are we. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I think it just happens. I do know that there isn't anything we can do about it though. So there is no reason to feel guilt, as hard as it is. We just have to keep going and make the best of the life we do have. :)