Sunday, September 10, 2023

Jokes on me

I decided to update my blog since its been 6 months since I wrote last. I moved out in January.
My life has not been easy. I got a job at Walmart which has been a joke. Noone will hire me because I'm over educated, and I don't have enough work experience. Brian is a douche bag...as I predicted.
Luke is attached to him, cries for him every time he leaves.

I changed churches. found out that Brian had a relationship with Veronica. was nearly evicted from my apartment which was Veronicas formers ap

Saturday, September 9, 2023

A Reflection

Even after nearly 9 years,  and the countless times I've written in a journal or blog.. I think one of the things I've never written about is the first time I looked in a mirror after the accident.

The first thing I remember after waking up, is that I couldn't see anything. My eyes were swollen shut.  All I could hear was voices. I don't  know how much time passed because everything is a blur but I remember that once I could see, I couldn't talk.  The tubes coming from my mouth and throat didn't allow me to.  Anytime I wanted to say anything, I had to spell it out.  I remember spelling everything as being frustrating, and confusing... even though I can remember thinking "clearly" in my head.. everything that came out seemed a little distorted.  I remember trying to tell my foster parent what my social security number was.  I knew it, I was thinking it in my head but I wasn't able to relay the message through my fingers correctly.

As time went by, I was able to open my eyes more, and the tubes were removed, I started eating on my own.. and I was able to go to the bathroom on my own once the catheter was removed.

My hospital room was covered in posters, and pictures.  My friends from school had all signed the posters.  I remember getting up to go to the bathroom.  I don't think anyone else was there, but maybe a nurse waiting outside the door to help me back in bed.  But I remember staring at the walls.  I recognized the people in the pictures, but the pain medications I had been given had an "amnesia effect"... I knew the people but I couldn't remember what was going on when those pictures were taken.  I stared at those pictures for a little while, and then went to the bathroom.  I remember standing at the sink and staring at my face.  I remember thinking "How can that be me?, I don't even look like that girl"

I didn't even recognize myself, or believe that I was me.  I wasn't emotional. I didn't cry.  I was numb.  It was all I felt.  I was exhausted, tired, weak and on top of everything else I didn't even know how the person in the mirror could be me.

Another thing I remember about being in the hospital.. is the first time I stood up on my own.  I remember pulling my hospital gown tightly around my body so nothing in the back would show.  My little sister and my foster parent were standing in front of me...and my little sister said "woah!, you're skinny!"... In a matter of 5-7 days I had lost around 20 lbs.  I couldn't even see the difference.

When I was alone I would stare out the window and watch planes fly in and out of DFW.  I can still remember exactly what my hospital room smelled like.  and I can remember how uncomfortable it was to eat the spaghetti that was served for lunch.
I enjoyed the chocolate shakes from McDonald's though.

The last thing I remember is when I was released, I was slowly walking out of the hospital room.. and a guy carrying flowers walked in.  I looked at the card and the flowers were from "The Calera Show Choir".. my music class.

Monday, February 13, 2023

I want some coffee.

 Sometimes when I am going to bed I'll think of what I want to type in a blog until I drift to sleep and I think .. I'll remember this tomorrow.. right as I fall asleep..and I never do. I do remember that I was thinking about the suffering that we experience in life. There are different degrees. A hop, skip and a jump. Hurdles. Sometimes I'm sure it feels like basic training (I don't even think I could survive that.) I'm always amazed that no matter how hard it feels, even when I feel like giving up.. I manage to get by even by the skin of my teeth. I've had to re-take classes. I've been talked down from panic attacks. I've been given pep talks. I've cried over not making the team. I've lost every thing I had and not known where I was going to eat, where I was going to sleep. I've left my community and had to make a new set of friends in a whole new family and friends. I've had to establish trust and a reputation which I still don't even know I have. 

I think about how my flesh reacts or has reacted in every circumstance to rejection and to my suffering. I don't feel proud of myself. I've laughed in hindsight. I can laugh because I know there is healing where there was hurt. and I have a better understanding of how everything was set in motion but my flesh and my heart is and was so deceitful. I was there knowing I had Jesus but it was leaving that I was able to better experience him. Jesus suffered so much while he was alive, and God laid upon him the sins of the Earth when he was hung on the cross. I've felt like I was dying, and I've felt like not living, but I know I've never felt the weight of the world that Jesus experienced. So my suffering is so insignificant to that of Jesus He loved others in his suffering. Jesus continued his ministry until the time of his death. He lead people to the father over and over again. His miracles weren't even documented to the extent to which they happened because there were so many. I think about my suffering, it has produced perseverance, and perseverance produces  faith. I've never hated God, never argued with God. I've always known every thing will workout, it always does but my fleshly response isn't to tell people the Good News, and that God works all things for his Good. 

I think of the things in the Bible, and the people who God used, Job, King David (I dare not compare myself to any of these people) but I have no doubt these people saw and experienced traumatic things. and God has used them and their lives to teach us and the people all through out the world great things. I think my favorite is even in his suffering Jesus could have taken himself off the cross but he didn't. He chose to stay there because he knew what God's redemptive plan is/was. While hanging on the cross there were two thieves, one on both sides of him. One hurled insults at Jesus and the other recognized Jesus as God, and asked him to remember him when Jesus entered into his kingdom. Jesus replied to him and told him "he would be with him in Paradise"

Y'all the Bible is beautiful. It brings me to tears and I know this must have been terrifying. I'm telling you I love God. but MY FLESH, if people were putting me on a cross I would have been fighting. and for Jesus to just submit, it breaks my heart. THESE PEOPLE KILLED HIM. Some days I don't want to get out of bed because I feel like life is too much but I'd still never say my experiences or losses are worse because God loved me so much that he would suffer the weight of the world to save it. I don't know how you can't fall in love with what you read. 



Monday, October 24, 2022

Just a small update

 

I don't know where I left off the last time I wrote in my blog. Evelyn and I have lived in Norman for the last year.  We've became part of a wonderful community and in the beginning Evelyn really wanted to go back to Texas but I think She finally likes it up here. She mostly just misses her sons but she talks to them every day and I think that helps her the most. We have kept ourselves busy serving the community and others as well as attending Bible Study and Church. For the most part every thing has worked out up here. I can't think of anything up here that I have had to worry about up here. I started having panic attacks a few months ago, I've had them for years but they've become more frequent.  Pinpointing my triggers has been easier since I don't have many triggers up in this area. I started a job a few weeks ago and it has been going really well. I like it. I also start CNA classes next week. I don't know what I will do. Radiology School starts next August and I'll have to pay for it myself, so being a CNA will help pay for that but saving will get me a head. I'll just have to do some math and figure out my expenses.  I talked to my grandma the other day. <3 I love and miss her. My ex-husband told me he would bring the kiddos to come visit me and he didn't.but both of us have busy lives. So that is something we both have to work around. 


I've been using my brain all day and I am mentally exhausted. I have to work in the morning but hopefully I can write soon with something exciting and good because the holidays are soon. I'm getting really sleepy now so I'm off to bed. Sweet dreams.

Natalie

Saturday, September 3, 2022

Lets do a follow up.

 I haven't written in a long time. I think my last post which is private is from the day I wrote and talked about how it was my first day living in my car. I lived in my car for a year. Its an interesting story but not one I want to type out at 11 p.m.  I will probably type it out over time. I need to get back in the habit of blogging. Its always been therapeutic for me and clears my mind.  This site is basically the same as it has always been. I shouldn't have left this blank for so long.  I really have been busy but I could have blown this blog up with the things that have going on in my mind. Other than living in my car, I ended up homeless and moving 2 hours away to a part of the state that I've never lived in. Surrounded by a community of people that I've never been immersed in ever and its really opened my eyes to more than just my needs and wants, and to people who are undervalued in the community as well as my passions in life. The only downside to any of this is that I miss my children terribly. I talk to them every day. They are wonderful smart, but they're the sweetest little babies I could have ever had. I love them so much. I've been applying for jobs like crazy and I finally got offered 2 jobs and I'm taking the one closet to my house, its a full time job.  I  was accepted into surgical tech school but couldn't start in August, but I can start next fall, no big deal... or I can always apply to law school. if I work real hard, there are some scholarships I may be eligible for. It would be a long term commitment. I have to think about this one but I have plenty of time to mull it over. 

Something else that has happened, After years of not having any relationship with Evelyn, she randomly called me one day and told me that she got out of jail and that no one would go get her. So I drove an hour and went to get her.  I didn't even recognize her.  Her personality was completely different. I knew something was wrong. I took her to Carl Albert and She was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. She stayed with me for 4 months and then went to stay with Elisha for 8 months and then Elisha dropped her off with me in the middle of the night and Evelyn was in withdrawal. I had never seen her like that. My heart was broken. Elisha has not spoken to me since October. I have kept Evelyn off of drugs since then and she has been on medication for her mental illness. Its been difficult at times but Evelyn is doing much better than at her worst. 

I'm getting really tired now and I have church in the morning so I'm going to go to bed. I'll write more later.

Sweet dreams


Natalie

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

2019

THIS WAS WRITTEN JANUARY 2nd 2019


I am always going to be able to say "I've been through some difficult things". I'm never going to be able to wash my past away. I can not take away any part of anything that has happened to me. I can undoubtedly tell you 2015-2018 hurt worse than any physical, psychological, mental pain that I ever experienced during or after the car accident I was in when I was fourteen.


The first time I remember going to church I was 7. I was in a temporary foster home while my mom was being evaluated. I already knew about God. I knew he made us from dirt. I had the basic understanding of where we came from. I wouldn't go to church again until I was 9-11, and then thirteen.  I was in my car accident 2  months before I turned fifteen. My home life was probably just like any other 13-15 year old girls given the circumstances. I went to church and I wondered why I didn't feel like everyone else but I went to school and my thoughts were elsewhere.


There were a lot of things that happened to me that caused me to immerse myself into church.  I kept a lot of things to myself and put my faith in people rather than God. Which made being let down extremely easy.  My life is like no one else's.  When I was eighteen, just weeks after attending youth camp for an entire summer, I had felt so completely disconnected from people I had been around for years. Within a year I was in a Godless marriage. I spent 9 years in that marriage. I decided to leave that marriage when my daughter was seven. 


Raegan was dedicated when she was a week old or so. but my ex-husband and I had never muttered a word about God in front of her. In July 2016, I had sent a text message to five or so of my friends. I had spent the entire day in bed. I had listened to my children cry that they were hungry all day. I got up and made them grilled cheese and climbed back in bed. I knew that Jubilee was happening and I had waited for a response from any one of them. The only thing I had asked was "Should I get out of bed and go to church..." the only person who responded was my friend Breanna... She had not a clue what I was going through. No one did.


The Pastor was from Scotland. I don't remember the message. I went and thanked him and told him I was experiencing depression and I was so glad I came to hear him. I thanked Breanna for responding to my text and I hugged her and I cried. She has always been there for me, to encourage me and pray for me.  The following week was the last time I went to counseling.


I'll never forget what it felt like walking out of that building. The sun hit my entire body and I could breathe deeper than I've ever breathed. I have never felt that in my entire life. I walked to my car and I prayed to God because I did not know how I could get through any of what was going to happen without him. I knew what was going to happen, leaving, being on my own, revealing the truth was going to be difficult. I have always been honest and well liked. I clearly hurt myself terribly. I even underestimated how difficult some things would be, and how small the world is.


2017 was a difficult year for me, I went to my interview at Walmart and walked out on the phone with a friend saying.. "I can not work here!" I had no other options. I had bills to pay and the clock was clicking. It would do until something else came through. Except every time I applied for a job I was told I didn't have enough work experience. To be honest, I actually ended up liking working at Walmart. I went in grudgingly thinking it was temporary but I always had a line of customers who were happy to see me. They always asked for me, always were willing to wait in line for me. People always made me laugh.  These customers never knew I experienced chronic depression. To them I was the funniest, happiest, fastest cashier in the store.   To me, my customers were the reason I was getting out of bed otherwise I was going to stare at the ceiling until bedtime. I had every pastor in the county coming through my line.  Random people asking to pray for me without me even telling them anything about me. One day a woman came through my line and asked to pray for me. She said she felt led to do it. Two hours later I went into the break room and found out my aunt had died of a heart attack.


2017 ended on a low note. It was like having a band-aid ripped off without any warning.


2018 Started out hard. You know how they say if you don't heal your wounds, then you'll bleed all over people who did not cut you. Yeah well that was basically half of 2018. I have lost friends because I was that person who cried over and over about the same thing. I refused counseling. I have refused to apply for jobs because so and so works here or there. I have kept myself in a box because of the things people think or say about me to the point that people do not want anything to do with me. or they have yelled at me. They've told me that what has happened to me has EATEN ME ALIVE and that I HAVE TO GIVE IT UP. I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO GOD.


I remember the days when I woke up every single day and I was happy. I did not have to try, it just happened naturally. Its just who I am. I had a really hard day half way through the year and I spent the entire night thinking about dying. I considered going to the hospital. The next day I called my doctor and I left a message saying I just wanted to die and its just not normal for me to want to feel this way.  My doctor explained that the side effects of my medications cause depression. Something I had experienced for three years on my own but I finally surrendered. As soon as I started medication I felt so much better.


Next I went to the library and I was trying to understand every thing I have felt. I was reading a book about rape. I will tell you I've never been raped, although some things people experience can overlap, so I was reading a book and this woman is describing a relationship she had and how it effected her. She confronted the person years later and the one thing in the conversation that she said was that she said she did not know how she would ever be able to forgive him, and he would never know what he had done to her.


As I sat there I felt like she was saying every thing I wish I could say but I realized I had been cut and bled all over people. I felt like I had been hurt by many people, and I had in turn hurt people as well. So I had to step back and think about how I can change this situation.  The only way I have any power in this situation is to forgive myself, as well as others


So that's what I did. The overwhelming peace it gave me to say this is not my battle to fight anymore was amazing. Because I was no longer fighting a person. I am loving them in prayer. I've spent the last half of the year repairing relationships that I shouldn't even have. There are some people that are still hesitant but I hope that with time they'll be able to trust me and get know me better.


Through all of this I found my heart no longer hurts. I have so much peace. Something I never thought I would have. My heart physically hurt. I do not think people understand that my body physically hurt and it no longer does. I will not give any credit to any anti-depressant medication for healing my heart. Forgiveness is something that Jesus offers.  Through my divorce I realized there were a lot of things I should have done differently. They say hindsight is 20/20. I would say the same about my marriage. I pray that Brian finds healing for himself through Jesus and that any relationship he has in the future is a Godly one.





Friday, September 6, 2019

Its been four years.


ORIGINAL PUBLISH DATE 09/06/2019




I took a drive yesterday and I noticed the trees were changing very subtly but there was this one that reminded me of this picture and I cried. I remember exactly how I felt when this picture was taken. I remember the air. I remember my thoughts. I remember how every little thing has played out since that day. I keep thinking I need to get back to where I was. I need to get back to that person and I can't. I remember second grade when my class learned about how smart these little white rats were. They were trapped in a maze. No matter where they were they could always find their way out. They could always find the finish line. No matter how many times my brain retraces its steps I can't find my way out. I feel stuck in this cycle. In this rut that gets deeper and deeper. I'm stuck knee deep and I can't get out.