Its almost Christmas

I cried every day from July until the end of October. Every single day. I still shed a tear or two most days. I've been working at Wal-Mart in Durant since mid September as a distraction and so I can pay my health insurance. God knows Brian won't and could never afford to do it. For the most part I am happier being around other people. I've been to several job interviews and I haven't gotten the jobs... I've realize I'm probably never going to be able to work for DHS. My heart still hurts. Brian's still an asshole. I hate living here in this house with him. I wish I could move out but I have no family and no money.
The hardest part for me is moving on. Getting past everything that happened to me in the last year. I don't care anything about Brian. I have no feelings for him at all. I've been completely hurt by someone else and He will never apologize to me. I have to learn to move on and be okay with myself. Time and distance are the only things that can heal these wounds. Time and distance. I will be okay eventually. Until then I will wait patiently for this ache to fade.

Life lesson #4308543089
Guard your heart.

I don't have a title

Its August. I feel a little better since my last post but I still hurt. They say time heals all wounds but these wounds are deep. I've never felt anything like this.  I've been going to church since everything happened. I've realized a lot of things. This experience has been really painful. I don't know how long it will take me to get over all of this.

Last night at church Pastor Duane spoke about patience about how when we endure painful things its our faith that is being tested. its our love for God that is being tested. I had asked God earlier in the night why all of this was happening to me. Why it was me that had to feel all of this. As Pastor Duane started speaking about patience I remembered the last time I heard a similar message. I was a senior in high school and I was in a lot of pain. physically, mentally, and spiritually. The pastor who was visiting the church I was at delivered a message I had never heard before. He said God didn't do this to you! So quit blaming him.

Honestly I've never blamed God for anything I've been through I just don't think I've turned to him to help me out of it either. That sounds just as bad.

Part 1

The first day I showed up Brian had given me directions I had never taken before. I ended up getting turned around. frustrated. and lost. I had to call the place. get him on the phone to get better directions. I was so embarrassed. I called Brian bitched him out and finally figured out which way to go. By the time I got to my destination I was flustered and 30 minutes late. I walked in and standing in front of me was exactly the opposite of what I had prayed for the night before. True story.

He was average height for a guy. muscular. smiling. gorgeous blue or green eyes. I never was close enough to him to tell. The first day wasn't long. The second week was longer. background history. I cried through that. I found that I couldn't look at him much. He started telling me about EMDR. which was to help me with the sensitivity I experienced to hearing sirens. I cried automatically anytime I heard ambulance firetruck sirens.

There was one day in the beginning when he had hooked me up to all of the wires..I was looking at the computer screen and was talking him..He asked me why I wouldn't look at him. I told him "the eyes were the window to the soul"...when the truth was I just didn't know whether I was supposed to be looking at that stupid computer screen or not. I suppose he took that as something else because he asked me if I felt vulnerable. I don't remember my answer to that question but I remember looking at the computer screen. I told him he wasn't the most unattractive person and he askedme if I felt like I needed to see someone else. I looked away from him and said I didn't want to go through all of my background again. and he said he liked me.

He used the next few sessions to get me to loosen up by making more eye contact. I remember because he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes and smiled. I looked away and found myself looking back. My heart lept out of my chest. I had never felt that feeling for anyone before. There we were sitting in a room alone together and nothing was being said verbally. Nothing was being felt physically except this time we put a puzzle together. He kept his eyes down. His hands were clammy but his hands were all over mine. Towards the end he let me finish it by myself and he sat back and watched me.

We spent every session doing the counseling thing for 30 mins and flirting for 30 mins. He would always compliment my clothing. it was obvious he was interested in my chest. talking about the decor and pockets on my shirts. Things I paid no attention to. He was aware of mine and Brian's relationship.

I want to feel better.

Last week I tried talking to Marc about when he hit on me in March.  It down spiraled quickly. I stared straight ahead at the wall as I listened to him deny that he ever flirted with me. He must have forgot about the part where he was talking about the size of my breasts. I checked out. I tried to explain how I felt but he misinterpreted what I said. I supposed it could be done easily when someone is upset. I left in tears. I didn't want to go back this week but I did anyway. Yesterdays appointment was awkward. and before I left he said he was referring me to someone else..which I turned down. I told him I wouldn't go through what I had gone through with him..with someone else. I couldn't believe he couldn't talk to me as an adult. and that he would deny everything he had done. I suppose he was protecting himself. But at the same time I had no intentions of ever using it against him. I had never judged him. I felt more hurt that he wouldn't help relieve me of this pain.

I'm just stupid for trusting him. He should have never been my counselor. never. I left and I know I'll never see him again. it was a weight off of my shoulders but I am so hurt. I just wish I felt better. I wish my life was better.

This will get better.

I feel so hurt. I have cried for days. I can't figure out what is right or wrong. everything is one sided. I can't figure out what I have done wrong. I know as my counselor he can't really state his opinion but I don't know what he's thinking and I've told him so much of what I am thinking. This is really hard for me. I hate that he wouldn't talk to me as if I was a human being and he treated me as if I was just like any of his other clients. Of course I was. I know I was. I meant nothing to him. but it still hurts.

I will get past this. I won't always hurt. This will get easier. I know it will.

Prison.

I imagine that this is exactly what it feels like to be almost released from prison. I can almost feel it. Its right there. I want it so bad. but in the back of my mind I know he is always going to be there. He's always going to be part of my life. I can't erase him. I can't wipe the slate clean and start over. I see people complain all of the time about how their childrens' father has nothing to do with their kids...and yet mine is going to have everything to do with mine...and he's always going to be in my business...he's always going to be bothering me.  I know its always going to be a constant struggle. I just know it.

It makes me sad. I hate feeling smothered by him. I want my space. I want to start over and be by myself and he's not going to let me do that. I just feel sad. I wish I could cry but my body won't let me.

I'm living one day at a time. I know its going to get better. I believe it. I have to..even when I feel like I hate him.

Anxiety sucks.

I hate that I don't write regularly. I am sure that if I could write everything I thought and everything I felt..then I wouldn't feel nearly as much of the anxiety that I feel at this exact moment. I hate that something can have such a hold on my body, thoughts, the way I feel.

I have been experiencing anxiety for years. I hate how it wakes me at night. The panicky feeling I get. Crying myself back to sleep. Breathing slowly and deeply to soothe myself, all while my husband is snoring soundly next to me. My heavy breathing continues for the rest of the day. The tears continue to flow. Driving through town, life continues, I drive down the winding road by the lake and continue on home but not even that can make me forget that I just don't feel right.

I keep trying to decipher where I think all of this anxiety is coming from and it just makes me cry even more. I know that in time I will feel better. Everyone has highs and lows. this is nothing new to me. This is just something I don't like feeling.  I'll be graduating from grad school in May. I'll have to to get a job. I won't have worked in 7 years. It'll be a big adjustment for me. I have other things on my mind. Its a never ending cycle.

It seems like none of this ever goes away. Every thing just piles up on the things before it. I have been attending counseling.  I had attended counseling when I was in foster care. I was not very compliant and I have a lot of guilt.  I thought this would give me the opportunity to clear my conscience and make myself feel better but its very difficult.  I did not think it would be this hard.

What doesn't break you will make you.

I've had a rough couple of days. I don't think I can even type what has happened. I feel so humiliated and let down. I feel so angry inwardly and outwardly. I can't do anything at all about the situation. either situations. I have to sit here and wait for time to pass.

I can hardly stand Brian. I told him that I wanted a divorce months ago but I'm in my last semester of grad school. I'm just trying to get through it without failing. My anxiety is so high that if  I cause any waves..I'm not sure I could do any of this on my own.  I also opened a whole other can of worms on my own. I don't know why I'm in this position. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know why I'm going through any of this. This is so incredibly hard.

I've cried every single day for the last 5 months. Its been exhausting..and an emotional roller coaster. I've been happier realizing I could have a whole new life. its scary thinking I'll have to start over from nothing but at the end of the day I go to bed in the same bed with the kiddos and I wake up next to Brian and the future is not soon enough. it does not seem real. I have to pretend every day is okay and it kills me. I have very few people to tell or talk to. Everyone else thinks everything is fine.

I feel bound by my life. My choices. My mistakes.

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I find myself with no one to talk to. This makes everything even more difficult.  To feel something and to be all alone.  I have no voice.  No outlet.  I can't even write what I feel here.  I know I will be okay in the future. It just hurts right now.

I'll be okay in the future. My heart will feel better and I will be okay.