I decided to update my blog since its been 6 months since I wrote last. I moved out in January.
My life has not been easy. I got a job at Walmart which has been a joke. Noone will hire me because I'm over educated, and I don't have enough work experience. Brian is a douche bag...as I predicted.
Luke is attached to him, cries for him every time he leaves.
I changed churches. found out that Brian had a relationship with Veronica. was nearly evicted from my apartment which was Veronicas formers ap
Sunday, September 10, 2023
Saturday, September 9, 2023
A Reflection
Even after nearly 9 years, and the countless times I've written in a journal or blog.. I think one of the things I've never written about is the first time I looked in a mirror after the accident.
The first thing I remember after waking up, is that I couldn't see anything. My eyes were swollen shut. All I could hear was voices. I don't know how much time passed because everything is a blur but I remember that once I could see, I couldn't talk. The tubes coming from my mouth and throat didn't allow me to. Anytime I wanted to say anything, I had to spell it out. I remember spelling everything as being frustrating, and confusing... even though I can remember thinking "clearly" in my head.. everything that came out seemed a little distorted. I remember trying to tell my foster parent what my social security number was. I knew it, I was thinking it in my head but I wasn't able to relay the message through my fingers correctly.
As time went by, I was able to open my eyes more, and the tubes were removed, I started eating on my own.. and I was able to go to the bathroom on my own once the catheter was removed.
My hospital room was covered in posters, and pictures. My friends from school had all signed the posters. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom. I don't think anyone else was there, but maybe a nurse waiting outside the door to help me back in bed. But I remember staring at the walls. I recognized the people in the pictures, but the pain medications I had been given had an "amnesia effect"... I knew the people but I couldn't remember what was going on when those pictures were taken. I stared at those pictures for a little while, and then went to the bathroom. I remember standing at the sink and staring at my face. I remember thinking "How can that be me?, I don't even look like that girl"
I didn't even recognize myself, or believe that I was me. I wasn't emotional. I didn't cry. I was numb. It was all I felt. I was exhausted, tired, weak and on top of everything else I didn't even know how the person in the mirror could be me.
Another thing I remember about being in the hospital.. is the first time I stood up on my own. I remember pulling my hospital gown tightly around my body so nothing in the back would show. My little sister and my foster parent were standing in front of me...and my little sister said "woah!, you're skinny!"... In a matter of 5-7 days I had lost around 20 lbs. I couldn't even see the difference.
When I was alone I would stare out the window and watch planes fly in and out of DFW. I can still remember exactly what my hospital room smelled like. and I can remember how uncomfortable it was to eat the spaghetti that was served for lunch.
I enjoyed the chocolate shakes from McDonald's though.
The last thing I remember is when I was released, I was slowly walking out of the hospital room.. and a guy carrying flowers walked in. I looked at the card and the flowers were from "The Calera Show Choir".. my music class.
The first thing I remember after waking up, is that I couldn't see anything. My eyes were swollen shut. All I could hear was voices. I don't know how much time passed because everything is a blur but I remember that once I could see, I couldn't talk. The tubes coming from my mouth and throat didn't allow me to. Anytime I wanted to say anything, I had to spell it out. I remember spelling everything as being frustrating, and confusing... even though I can remember thinking "clearly" in my head.. everything that came out seemed a little distorted. I remember trying to tell my foster parent what my social security number was. I knew it, I was thinking it in my head but I wasn't able to relay the message through my fingers correctly.
As time went by, I was able to open my eyes more, and the tubes were removed, I started eating on my own.. and I was able to go to the bathroom on my own once the catheter was removed.
My hospital room was covered in posters, and pictures. My friends from school had all signed the posters. I remember getting up to go to the bathroom. I don't think anyone else was there, but maybe a nurse waiting outside the door to help me back in bed. But I remember staring at the walls. I recognized the people in the pictures, but the pain medications I had been given had an "amnesia effect"... I knew the people but I couldn't remember what was going on when those pictures were taken. I stared at those pictures for a little while, and then went to the bathroom. I remember standing at the sink and staring at my face. I remember thinking "How can that be me?, I don't even look like that girl"
I didn't even recognize myself, or believe that I was me. I wasn't emotional. I didn't cry. I was numb. It was all I felt. I was exhausted, tired, weak and on top of everything else I didn't even know how the person in the mirror could be me.
Another thing I remember about being in the hospital.. is the first time I stood up on my own. I remember pulling my hospital gown tightly around my body so nothing in the back would show. My little sister and my foster parent were standing in front of me...and my little sister said "woah!, you're skinny!"... In a matter of 5-7 days I had lost around 20 lbs. I couldn't even see the difference.
When I was alone I would stare out the window and watch planes fly in and out of DFW. I can still remember exactly what my hospital room smelled like. and I can remember how uncomfortable it was to eat the spaghetti that was served for lunch.
I enjoyed the chocolate shakes from McDonald's though.
The last thing I remember is when I was released, I was slowly walking out of the hospital room.. and a guy carrying flowers walked in. I looked at the card and the flowers were from "The Calera Show Choir".. my music class.
Monday, February 13, 2023
I want some coffee.
Sometimes when I am going to bed I'll think of what I want to type in a blog until I drift to sleep and I think .. I'll remember this tomorrow.. right as I fall asleep..and I never do. I do remember that I was thinking about the suffering that we experience in life. There are different degrees. A hop, skip and a jump. Hurdles. Sometimes I'm sure it feels like basic training (I don't even think I could survive that.) I'm always amazed that no matter how hard it feels, even when I feel like giving up.. I manage to get by even by the skin of my teeth. I've had to re-take classes. I've been talked down from panic attacks. I've been given pep talks. I've cried over not making the team. I've lost every thing I had and not known where I was going to eat, where I was going to sleep. I've left my community and had to make a new set of friends in a whole new family and friends. I've had to establish trust and a reputation which I still don't even know I have.
I think about how my flesh reacts or has reacted in every circumstance to rejection and to my suffering. I don't feel proud of myself. I've laughed in hindsight. I can laugh because I know there is healing where there was hurt. and I have a better understanding of how everything was set in motion but my flesh and my heart is and was so deceitful. I was there knowing I had Jesus but it was leaving that I was able to better experience him. Jesus suffered so much while he was alive, and God laid upon him the sins of the Earth when he was hung on the cross. I've felt like I was dying, and I've felt like not living, but I know I've never felt the weight of the world that Jesus experienced. So my suffering is so insignificant to that of Jesus He loved others in his suffering. Jesus continued his ministry until the time of his death. He lead people to the father over and over again. His miracles weren't even documented to the extent to which they happened because there were so many. I think about my suffering, it has produced perseverance, and perseverance produces faith. I've never hated God, never argued with God. I've always known every thing will workout, it always does but my fleshly response isn't to tell people the Good News, and that God works all things for his Good.
I think of the things in the Bible, and the people who God used, Job, King David (I dare not compare myself to any of these people) but I have no doubt these people saw and experienced traumatic things. and God has used them and their lives to teach us and the people all through out the world great things. I think my favorite is even in his suffering Jesus could have taken himself off the cross but he didn't. He chose to stay there because he knew what God's redemptive plan is/was. While hanging on the cross there were two thieves, one on both sides of him. One hurled insults at Jesus and the other recognized Jesus as God, and asked him to remember him when Jesus entered into his kingdom. Jesus replied to him and told him "he would be with him in Paradise"
Y'all the Bible is beautiful. It brings me to tears and I know this must have been terrifying. I'm telling you I love God. but MY FLESH, if people were putting me on a cross I would have been fighting. and for Jesus to just submit, it breaks my heart. THESE PEOPLE KILLED HIM. Some days I don't want to get out of bed because I feel like life is too much but I'd still never say my experiences or losses are worse because God loved me so much that he would suffer the weight of the world to save it. I don't know how you can't fall in love with what you read.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)