2019

THIS WAS WRITTEN JANUARY 2nd 2019


I am always going to be able to say "I've been through some difficult things". I'm never going to be able to wash my past away. I can not take away any part of anything that has happened to me. I can undoubtedly tell you 2015-2018 hurt worse than any physical, psychological, mental pain that I ever experienced during or after the car accident I was in when I was fourteen.


The first time I remember going to church I was 7. I was in a temporary foster home while my mom was being evaluated. I already knew about God. I knew he made us from dirt. I had the basic understanding of where we came from. I wouldn't go to church again until I was 9-11, and then thirteen.  I was in my car accident 2  months before I turned fifteen. My home life was probably just like any other 13-15 year old girls given the circumstances. I went to church and I wondered why I didn't feel like everyone else but I went to school and my thoughts were elsewhere.


There were a lot of things that happened to me that caused me to immerse myself into church.  I kept a lot of things to myself and put my faith in people rather than God. Which made being let down extremely easy.  My life is like no one else's.  When I was eighteen, just weeks after attending youth camp for an entire summer, I had felt so completely disconnected from people I had been around for years. Within a year I was in a Godless marriage. I spent 9 years in that marriage. I decided to leave that marriage when my daughter was seven. 


Raegan was dedicated when she was a week old or so. but my ex-husband and I had never muttered a word about God in front of her. In July 2016, I had sent a text message to five or so of my friends. I had spent the entire day in bed. I had listened to my children cry that they were hungry all day. I got up and made them grilled cheese and climbed back in bed. I knew that Jubilee was happening and I had waited for a response from any one of them. The only thing I had asked was "Should I get out of bed and go to church..." the only person who responded was my friend Breanna... She had not a clue what I was going through. No one did.


The Pastor was from Scotland. I don't remember the message. I went and thanked him and told him I was experiencing depression and I was so glad I came to hear him. I thanked Breanna for responding to my text and I hugged her and I cried. She has always been there for me, to encourage me and pray for me.  The following week was the last time I went to counseling.


I'll never forget what it felt like walking out of that building. The sun hit my entire body and I could breathe deeper than I've ever breathed. I have never felt that in my entire life. I walked to my car and I prayed to God because I did not know how I could get through any of what was going to happen without him. I knew what was going to happen, leaving, being on my own, revealing the truth was going to be difficult. I have always been honest and well liked. I clearly hurt myself terribly. I even underestimated how difficult some things would be, and how small the world is.


2017 was a difficult year for me, I went to my interview at Walmart and walked out on the phone with a friend saying.. "I can not work here!" I had no other options. I had bills to pay and the clock was clicking. It would do until something else came through. Except every time I applied for a job I was told I didn't have enough work experience. To be honest, I actually ended up liking working at Walmart. I went in grudgingly thinking it was temporary but I always had a line of customers who were happy to see me. They always asked for me, always were willing to wait in line for me. People always made me laugh.  These customers never knew I experienced chronic depression. To them I was the funniest, happiest, fastest cashier in the store.   To me, my customers were the reason I was getting out of bed otherwise I was going to stare at the ceiling until bedtime. I had every pastor in the county coming through my line.  Random people asking to pray for me without me even telling them anything about me. One day a woman came through my line and asked to pray for me. She said she felt led to do it. Two hours later I went into the break room and found out my aunt had died of a heart attack.


2017 ended on a low note. It was like having a band-aid ripped off without any warning.


2018 Started out hard. You know how they say if you don't heal your wounds, then you'll bleed all over people who did not cut you. Yeah well that was basically half of 2018. I have lost friends because I was that person who cried over and over about the same thing. I refused counseling. I have refused to apply for jobs because so and so works here or there. I have kept myself in a box because of the things people think or say about me to the point that people do not want anything to do with me. or they have yelled at me. They've told me that what has happened to me has EATEN ME ALIVE and that I HAVE TO GIVE IT UP. I HAVE TO GIVE IT TO GOD.


I remember the days when I woke up every single day and I was happy. I did not have to try, it just happened naturally. Its just who I am. I had a really hard day half way through the year and I spent the entire night thinking about dying. I considered going to the hospital. The next day I called my doctor and I left a message saying I just wanted to die and its just not normal for me to want to feel this way.  My doctor explained that the side effects of my medications cause depression. Something I had experienced for three years on my own but I finally surrendered. As soon as I started medication I felt so much better.


Next I went to the library and I was trying to understand every thing I have felt. I was reading a book about rape. I will tell you I've never been raped, although some things people experience can overlap, so I was reading a book and this woman is describing a relationship she had and how it effected her. She confronted the person years later and the one thing in the conversation that she said was that she said she did not know how she would ever be able to forgive him, and he would never know what he had done to her.


As I sat there I felt like she was saying every thing I wish I could say but I realized I had been cut and bled all over people. I felt like I had been hurt by many people, and I had in turn hurt people as well. So I had to step back and think about how I can change this situation.  The only way I have any power in this situation is to forgive myself, as well as others


So that's what I did. The overwhelming peace it gave me to say this is not my battle to fight anymore was amazing. Because I was no longer fighting a person. I am loving them in prayer. I've spent the last half of the year repairing relationships that I shouldn't even have. There are some people that are still hesitant but I hope that with time they'll be able to trust me and get know me better.


Through all of this I found my heart no longer hurts. I have so much peace. Something I never thought I would have. My heart physically hurt. I do not think people understand that my body physically hurt and it no longer does. I will not give any credit to any anti-depressant medication for healing my heart. Forgiveness is something that Jesus offers.  Through my divorce I realized there were a lot of things I should have done differently. They say hindsight is 20/20. I would say the same about my marriage. I pray that Brian finds healing for himself through Jesus and that any relationship he has in the future is a Godly one.

Its been four years.

ORIGINAL PUBLISH DATE 09/06/2019

I took a drive yesterday and I noticed the trees were changing very subtly but there was this one that reminded me of this picture and I cried. I remember exactly how I felt when this picture was taken. I remember the air. I remember my thoughts. I remember how every little thing has played out since that day. I keep thinking I need to get back to where I was. I need to get back to that person and I can't. I remember second grade when my class learned about how smart these little white rats were. They were trapped in a maze. No matter where they were they could always find their way out. They could always find the finish line. No matter how many times my brain retraces its steps I can't find my way out. I feel stuck in this cycle. In this rut that gets deeper and deeper. I'm stuck knee deep and I can't get out.