Happy Halloween!

This morning Raegan is at school.  Luke just crawled into my lap and is nursing.  I am sprawled across the couch listening to some music.  I put on a song that makes me feel a little nostalgic soo. I decided I may write something.  I should really make a habit of writing when I can.  After all this is my life, and I should document it.

So a few things, today is Halloween.  Raegan had night terrors last night, so I slept very little, woke up late, couldn't get Raegan to wear her pirate costume.. and I burned my tongue while drinking a french vanilla latte.  But I did manage to get her to school on time.  So other than that.. its 10a.m. and.. its time for Luke's first nap.

A few things have happened. Umm.. I actually got an email from a cousin.. I left a message on a genealogy website, and he found my message.  I talked to him yesterday.  He knows my grandmother. It was the strangest thing. I really don't talk on the phone much unless I have to because I hate carrying on a convo when theres not much to say.  BUT. I spoke to this man for 2 hours while Luke slept.  It was interesting. He was able to tell me things about my family that I never knew, and probably would have never known if he hadn't have told me.  My grandmother doesn't talk about her childhood or past or anything.. everything I have learned has came from relatives I've found online.  I was actually very happy to receive an email from him because I had ZERO info about that line of the family.  I learned at one point that my grandmother's sister dated a man who claimed to have participated in the assasination of JFK. Sounds absolutely crazy.. I can't believe no one has mentioned it before.. but it was interesting.. I was able to google his name and read about the conspiracy theories the man was involved in.  I also learned that a cousin of my mom's actually married the brother of a famous country singer.  Small world. eh?   There are several things I learned and I enjoyed speaking to the man.

The second thing that happened.. I may sound crazy.. so bare with me. LOL.

I've always been told that I should write a book.  Of course.. I know a lot of people get told this.. because.. everyone experiences traumatic things.

but.. I watched the movie "The Vow" ...and it was sweet. It was interesting to learn that the movie was based on actual events.  and then I was thinking... "dude.. someone should make a movie about me".. (retarded idea) but.. then I got to thinking about a book.  and distant cousin I found on ancestry.com gave me the info about a publishing company here in Oklahoma that is publishing a book for her friend.. and I went to their website.. and wrote them an email.. to find out exactly what I should do to write a book.  a few hours later.. I actually got a phone call from a man that works for that publishing company.  He told me I should hire a ghost writer.. I shared with him things about my past.. and I told him I have written journals through all of my experience, and he said he thought it was a good idea for me to write a book and that he'd be interested in reading a manuscript when its finished.

(oh yeah this publishing company publishes books that are "inspiring"..)

so.. he gave me some ideas about how to go about finding a ghost writer... I actually have some people who offered to do it.. but with distance and timing being an issue.. I kind of decided to look around.  I contacted the college I attend, and I spoke to someone who is in charged of the writing dept or whatever..She told me that she would send out an email to see if she could get anyone interested in helping, and if no one contact me.. that I should call her back because she was definitely interested.

The woman sent out the email, and one day I went to go pick up Raegan from school.  I got a phone call from a professor, and I explained to her the purpose behind why I would like to write a book,  She told me I had an "amazing" story, and that she thinks it would make a great book.

anyways.. long story short.. I'm meeting her on Friday.. She's coming here to my home, and we can talk.. and I can show her pictures.. and get to know her.. but I'm actually really excited.  She says she thinks it would take about a year.. obviously because she has a life, and children.. but she's very interested in doing the work.  She's had her own work published several times, She has two masters degrees, she was a librarian, taught Spanish for 4 years.. and.. some other things.. She's also from Calera, which is my home town.. so it kind of just fell into place and worked out well.

I am excited to start this.. BUT now my anxiety is sort of setting in.. I keep thinking.. of all people.. why would I write a book, I feel normal.. my life is normal.. I don't see what other people see.  The other day I told a friend, that.. the people around me are desensitized to me. I think its the same for myself.  I don't think I'm amazing or very inspiring.. I mean.. I know I work hard for what I want, and I have the desire to be good and to achieve things, to make a difference and set an example.. but I'm so used to myself.

So I ask myself.. what would I want to share in a book.  I often feel like I talk about the accident all of the time..and I feel like I can justify why I do so. Obviously the experience was traumatic, and life changing.  I also am very aware of my surroundings, and the fact that.. any thing can happen at any time.  I am blessed to be alive.  I don't want to take anything for granted at any point.  Its probably my anxiety and fear of dying, that makes me more aware that I have no control over some things in my life.

anyways.. back to my point.  What would I put in a book.  honestly.. I would share what happened in the accident, but the book wouldn't be solely about the accident.  I think that me writing about my experience may be hurtful to the others who were in the accident, because I don't remember what they do.. but the one thing I did experience that no one else did was the traumatic injuries to my body.  My sisters didn't have life threatening injuries, my nephew broke his arm and leg.. while he does have scars, he probably won't ever remember not having them.  My moms boyfriend broke his back, and wore a halo for 6 months, I can not recall if he had any other physical injuries.

I do not want to discredit the way anyone feels or what they experienced. I can not say my injuries were "worse" than theirs, but my injuries have affected me differently.  I would like to write about my recovery.  We all know that the world puts pressure on us to look or to be a certain way.  Its often that these messages are subliminal messages.  We may see something, or feel something and not realize the way that its actually influencing us.

During my recovery I've always felt as though I had a weight on my shoulders.  People I know tell me that they don't notice my scars, but its different for the people who don't know me, or haven't seen me before.  There is pressure to look or feel a certain way.  I want to share my story of how I struggle with accepting myself.  I want to share about the reactions of other people around me.

People often don't know how to respond, or act around someone such as myself.  I have been in many situations where I myself didn't know exactly how to respond to what was said to me.  Kids most often, don't have sensors.. so they say the craziest things.  Its funny but awkward because I don't know how to respond.

Yesterday I picked Raegan up from school and I heard a little girl whisper to another little girl.. "Her ear looks bad".. and this morning.. This kid looked at me and gasped, He asked me "whats wrong!?!" (with my face of course).. I said "nothing" and walked on lol..

People don't want to cross any boundaries, or hurt my feelings.. but I think sharing my experience may give people a different perspective about how I feel, or how they should act around me.

Sigh.. I'm rambling. I feel like a crazy woman.  Surely I'm not crazy.. and maybe someone might be interested in reading something of the sort.

maybe. we'll see. It'll be a long road, a year seems like for ever but Luke is 10 months old and I can't believe it! So.. we'll have to see what happens! I'll update more on the matter as it progresses..

Natalie