What is in a home.

I imagine that some people believe I get too excited about things that happen in my life.  I don’t shut up about it, and I hate to think that anyone would be jealous or think I brag.

I don’t feel like I brag, and I’ve spent most of my life feeling jealous of those around me. And why anyone would feel jealous is beyond me.  I believe wholeheartedly that although there are things in our lives we can not control or change, there are things that we can do to change the outcome of negative situations.  I believe I am in 100% control of how happy I am.  I do battle depression, and anxiety, and anger. And I do get jealous and I feel like “nothing is fair”… but I live for myself, and my happiness.  I strive to live a life that is better and leaves an impact.  I want to make a difference in my children’s lives.

To explain what our new home means to me, I would have to explain to you where I’ve came from and the things I’ve experienced, and most importantly the things I’ve felt.  I find some of these things hard to talk about because not everyone experiences this, and not as many people would understand.  My little sister and I grew up with my mother who was mentally ill.  We lived off of her disability check. 500 dollars a month.  Hardly enough to survive on.  I have no memories of family get togethers, or dinners, or anything of that sort.  My mom never cooked Christmas dinner, or any other meal for the holiday.  Churches always brought us cooked hams and turkeys.  There was nothing wrong with it, it kept our bellies full.  But I lacked feeling secure, or feeling what it was like to have a close knit family. 

Another thing I experienced, is that we lived in multiple places, and had very little furniture.  My little sister and I, along with my mom all shared a bed, usually it was a twin sized bed.  This was until I was 13, and placed in foster care.  Most of the time we didn’t even have a couch.  At one point I remember us having a big seat from the back of a van, in our living room.  We used that as a couch.

I understand that my mom was mentally ill, and lacked the funds to provide everything she probably wished she could for my little sister and I.  and I am aware that the things I did not have growing up were materialistic things.  But I did lack security, and closeness.  Once I was in foster care, I spent every holiday in someone else’s home, with someone else’s family.  I had plenty of food, and a bed to sleep in.. but I changed home 8 times.  All of which had different beds, and nothing was my own.  There were several times when I changed homes, that I didn’t even get all of my own belongings.

I am grateful that there are families who take children in, and give them homes.  But even with being taken care of by a family, those families had their own children.  And I can’t say that watching those parents with their own children didn’t sting.  I found great friends through my experiences, but there was always that little part of me that asked Why can’t I have that, why do things have to be like this?

I’ve found that since becoming a parent to two beautiful children, I am not as bitter.  I actually feel like I have a purpose now.  My husband and I are not rich by any means, but what we are blessed with is allowing us to change our children’s lives.  I am so excited to have a home, a single home, ONE HOME, that my children can grow up in.  I have no intentions of moving, or selling.. This is OUR home, that I can cook dinner in, and live in.  We can create and share memories in this home.  I look forward to family get-togethers, and birthday parties.  I look forward to having the kitchen counters covered in candies and deserts for the holidays.  I want to make every celebration a big one.

I look forward to Raegan and Luke having their own bedrooms.  I did not have a room to myself until I was 14.  I want them to have their own beds, their own furniture.  I want my children to feel as though they’re needs are being met, and that they’d never wish things were different.  The role I play in my family is important.  I am aware that even though I desire to give my children a wonderful life, there are still children who will experience the things I did, or worse. I wish I could provide a wonderful life for every child. I wish every person cared as much as I do.  The love I provide for my children, along with security, and stability will play a huge roll in their lives. Even my desire to continue and graduate from college is increasing the odds of them graduating from college.  I hope that my love and support will help develop them into loving, caring, passionate and responsible adults.  Adults who will someday show their children as much love as I show mine. 

Having a stable home is so important in a person’s life.  While I am excited to have a new home, the fact that its new isn’t as important as the life of the home.  I am happy to have a functioning kitchen, plumbing that works.  More square footage, and level floors.  I am also thankful for a roof with no leaks, and a solid foundation.

I feel like I’ve rambled enough.  If only I felt comfortable sharing everything I’ve experienced in my (almost) 24 years of life, then you’d really get a better understanding of how big a deal this really is. 

-Natalie