What is in a home.

I imagine that some people believe I get too excited about things that happen in my life.  I don’t shut up about it, and I hate to think that anyone would be jealous or think I brag.

I don’t feel like I brag, and I’ve spent most of my life feeling jealous of those around me. And why anyone would feel jealous is beyond me.  I believe wholeheartedly that although there are things in our lives we can not control or change, there are things that we can do to change the outcome of negative situations.  I believe I am in 100% control of how happy I am.  I do battle depression, and anxiety, and anger. And I do get jealous and I feel like “nothing is fair”… but I live for myself, and my happiness.  I strive to live a life that is better and leaves an impact.  I want to make a difference in my children’s lives.

To explain what our new home means to me, I would have to explain to you where I’ve came from and the things I’ve experienced, and most importantly the things I’ve felt.  I find some of these things hard to talk about because not everyone experiences this, and not as many people would understand.  My little sister and I grew up with my mother who was mentally ill.  We lived off of her disability check. 500 dollars a month.  Hardly enough to survive on.  I have no memories of family get togethers, or dinners, or anything of that sort.  My mom never cooked Christmas dinner, or any other meal for the holiday.  Churches always brought us cooked hams and turkeys.  There was nothing wrong with it, it kept our bellies full.  But I lacked feeling secure, or feeling what it was like to have a close knit family. 

Another thing I experienced, is that we lived in multiple places, and had very little furniture.  My little sister and I, along with my mom all shared a bed, usually it was a twin sized bed.  This was until I was 13, and placed in foster care.  Most of the time we didn’t even have a couch.  At one point I remember us having a big seat from the back of a van, in our living room.  We used that as a couch.

I understand that my mom was mentally ill, and lacked the funds to provide everything she probably wished she could for my little sister and I.  and I am aware that the things I did not have growing up were materialistic things.  But I did lack security, and closeness.  Once I was in foster care, I spent every holiday in someone else’s home, with someone else’s family.  I had plenty of food, and a bed to sleep in.. but I changed home 8 times.  All of which had different beds, and nothing was my own.  There were several times when I changed homes, that I didn’t even get all of my own belongings.

I am grateful that there are families who take children in, and give them homes.  But even with being taken care of by a family, those families had their own children.  And I can’t say that watching those parents with their own children didn’t sting.  I found great friends through my experiences, but there was always that little part of me that asked Why can’t I have that, why do things have to be like this?

I’ve found that since becoming a parent to two beautiful children, I am not as bitter.  I actually feel like I have a purpose now.  My husband and I are not rich by any means, but what we are blessed with is allowing us to change our children’s lives.  I am so excited to have a home, a single home, ONE HOME, that my children can grow up in.  I have no intentions of moving, or selling.. This is OUR home, that I can cook dinner in, and live in.  We can create and share memories in this home.  I look forward to family get-togethers, and birthday parties.  I look forward to having the kitchen counters covered in candies and deserts for the holidays.  I want to make every celebration a big one.

I look forward to Raegan and Luke having their own bedrooms.  I did not have a room to myself until I was 14.  I want them to have their own beds, their own furniture.  I want my children to feel as though they’re needs are being met, and that they’d never wish things were different.  The role I play in my family is important.  I am aware that even though I desire to give my children a wonderful life, there are still children who will experience the things I did, or worse. I wish I could provide a wonderful life for every child. I wish every person cared as much as I do.  The love I provide for my children, along with security, and stability will play a huge roll in their lives. Even my desire to continue and graduate from college is increasing the odds of them graduating from college.  I hope that my love and support will help develop them into loving, caring, passionate and responsible adults.  Adults who will someday show their children as much love as I show mine. 

Having a stable home is so important in a person’s life.  While I am excited to have a new home, the fact that its new isn’t as important as the life of the home.  I am happy to have a functioning kitchen, plumbing that works.  More square footage, and level floors.  I am also thankful for a roof with no leaks, and a solid foundation.

I feel like I’ve rambled enough.  If only I felt comfortable sharing everything I’ve experienced in my (almost) 24 years of life, then you’d really get a better understanding of how big a deal this really is. 

-Natalie

Milestones!

Brian is getting ready for work at the moment, Luke is bouncing and.. I just finished off a hazelnut iced coffee. Holy moly. I feel like I'm on crack.  I can't wait for Brian to get off work, we need to paint trim and doors.  Some guys will be here next week to hang the doors so I'm ready to get all of this painting done.

Yesterday was Luke's half birthday!  I can hardly believe he's already 6 months old.  It was just yesterday that I was driving Brian nuts with my baby fever.  I NEEEEEEDED a baby. wellllll now I've got a baby and I do NOT have baby fever..lol.  Most days I feel like pulling my hair out.  I love my children but God did not grant me with the patience thats needed to take care of children.

Luke has started babbling more, and he can get up on his knees.  I watch him repeatedly throw himself forward.  He flops onto his stomach.  Figuring out how to use those long dangly things that lay limp on the floor seems to be really frustrating to him.  He's pretty sure that they don't work, and that I am crazy for encouraging him to continue.  and He probably thinks I look like an idiot while I smile and coo and say "Good boy!" as if he were a dog who just rolled over.

So really thats about all thats going on right now.  Next week is the 4th of July, and Raegan's half birthday! Maybe we'll make a cake.  I'm not sure how she'll like the fireworks.  She really doesn't like loud sounds. buttttt I'd feel bad for her missing such a beautiful display of colorful lights.

4 weeks into the Summer semester and 12 assignments later, I still have 100 out of 100 points in both of my classes.  Now if I can keep this up, I will have A's in both of my classes and on my transcript.  It makes me feel good.. I think the only A I got in any class in high school was in Music.. which was a lot of fun, but felt like a bird course.  So having an A in both of my Psychology classes is saying a great deal on my part!  I think the only other A I have on my college transcript, was in Intro to Psych.  So maybe that says a little bit more.

In other news, today is going to be a beautiful day.  Beautiful yes, and HOTTTTT yes.  Last summer was ridiculous. It was 112-116 degrees the whole month of July.  This is the end of June and its been 100-104.. which is better but its still hot, we have barely any shade in our yard... so in the evenings we've been going to Brian's mother's to swim in a pool we put up.. so Raegan can swim in the shade in the evenings.  She realllly enjoys it.

Well I'm surprised I got this much typed on my own without kids screaming. So I shall end this before they change their mind about allowing me to concentrate.

I hope anyone who reads this has a wonderful day, and is super blessed.

Natalie

Insert title here

I haven't wrote in a few days.  I am so flustered by a screaming baby and my inability to focus on anything. I love being a mom but its just been one of those days. If Luke isn't screaming, Raegan is.  

BLAH!

So I'm typing with one hand.  The house is coming along.  We've been painting for a few days now.  First the blue paint I chose for the walls turned out to be a lot bluer than I expected. No big deal.. its still pretty.. but A few people joked that my house looks like a bag of skittles. ;)


the doors and trim were delivered today so we'll be painting them soon.  

I feel better since I had my seizure. I felt weird for a couple of days, and my muscles are still sore.. but I am doing better.  

I dont know what to say. I can't think. So I shall post some pictures and RUN.

bangs head on desk.

Well that was freaky.

I've been slacking off..so I'm laying in bed and figured I should update.Soo let me begin with Friday. Brian had to work Friday so I spent most of the day painting by myself. I'm excited for this house but I haven't done manual labor in a couple of years. Call me lazy but painting a ceiling is hard work.I got most of the ceilings done in the house. Then Saturday I woke up with a migraine. I hate the stupid things. It was by far one of the worst I've ever had. I took many breaks but I tried to paint as much as I could before Brian had to go to work on Saturday. I ended up giving up halfway through the afternoon because the nausea was so bad. My arms and legs were going numb. I was light headed too. Brian went to work and came home a little bit later. Brian says the last thing I did was lay down and ask for a cup of water and Tylenol.The next thing I know an IV is being jabbed into my arm and a man tells me I've had a seizure and I'm in route to the hospital via ambulance.He kept asking me questions. I could barely answer my name and age. I didn't even remember that I was breastfeeding Luke until they mentioned giving me Valium but I was coherent enough to tell them I didn't have a pump and they just gave me a shot of phenergan. They did a ct scan and monitored me because my heart was beating fast. But after 2 hours they finally let me come home to sleep. The dr told me that I should most definitely follow up with my neurologist. I read that if you've had a seizure then you are more likely to experience one again in the future. It was the freakiest thing I've ever experienced. My arm has a huge bruise from the IV.I still feel weird, no appetite and I cried all morning. I feel emotional. I read that feeling depressed after a seizure is normal. I don't know if it was caused by my body being stressed from the migraine or the paint fumes. But this is exactly why I lie low during my migraines. I'm not a hypochondriac and I wouldn't wish these migraines in anyone. I've always been paranoid that I would end up having a seizure. My husband was scared. I could tell just how he told me about it. He said my whole body was convulsing. And that I was breathing heavily and rapidly. It didn't last long but I've never had this happen before.My senses are out of wack. I guess it takes a few days to go back to normal.Oh and I bit my tongue. It is swollen. Blah.

I can't think of a title.

I will begin this post with "Today is a good day!".. :) The most exciting thing is that things are moving forward with our house!  The guys came and hung the sheet rock. And at this moment a group of guys are taping and bedding.. and they'll be doing texturing tomorrow.. So we'll be painting soon!  Tomorrow Brian's sister is going to pick up the paint for our bedroom, the specific color we want is made by Benjamen Moore Paint, and Its sold in Ada.. which is 45 mins from here but only a little ways from her home. So she's saving us a trip.  We still need to go pick up the paint for Raegan's room. I can't decide what I should paint it.  Her comforter is pink and purple and white.. but I also got some green accents. I think I'll choose a lavender purple.. and who knows what we'll chose for Luke's room.

Yesterday we went to Sherman and put our King size bed on layaway, so it'll be paid off by the time we move in.  We also put our coffee table and end tables on lay away.  I'm so excited.

The Summer semester has began.  My classes should be somewhat "easy" this semester.  But I am already experiencing a little anxiety about the upcoming semesters.  I keep telling myself I can do it. How? I don't know...........I hate school. Its not easy.. but I am smart, and I enjoy the subjects I am learning about.. its all interesting... I have too many other things on my mind.  Kids screaming, and other crap.  But I can do this.. I am not the first SAHM who has no help with child care.. I can do this......I can do this....blah.

I think I bit my lip in my sleep. It hurts.. I feel restless. I am going to go clean.. maybe it'll make me feel more productive and better.

I always feel better when I've accomplished something.

Maybe I'll edit this later and add more. who knows.

Natalie

Haven't I said this before?

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That is my summary for today.  Everything I typed before this gibberish was the same thing I type every day.  Today is a good day, playing with Raegan and Luke, tearing up the house while looking for a toy that Raegan won't forget.  Can't wait for Brian to get home.  Oh and at this moment, random men are hanging sheet rock in our new house.  Yippee. Now I shall go sing the ABC's with Raegan and whatever else I feel like doing.

The end.

Natalie

A Review of My Own.

Last night I watched a movie named Beastly.  I had wanted to see it for a long time, every so often I'd search the guide to see if it was coming on any channels that we have.  The other day Brian told me that we were getting the Encore channels for free between 5/28 -6/1.. the thought of checking for Beastly popped in my mind.  So I used the search menu to find the movie.  To my complete surprise it was listed as coming on.  I watched it last night. and felt like it was kind of a slow movie.  I watched it again today.. and it inspired me to write this blog entry.

My over all review of the movie was that it was kind of slow, and there were a few gaps.  I feel like it could have been portrayed a little bit differently.  I did not feel like it was as emotionally accurate as it should have been.  I mean, Only a person who has actually experienced having their face completely traumatized would be able to portray the real emotions that the movie implies. Right?

If you haven't watched the movie, I don't expect you to go out and watch it, buy it or rent it. I think this is the part of the blog that gets a little more personal.  It is this movie that inspired me to explain exactly what it feels like.

Although I can't be certain.  I've always said that the things I experienced after the accident (depression and such) had more to do with me accepting my body than the death of my mom and niece. I don't want to make it sound like it didn't bother me that they were no longer alive.  But there comes a point where I'm okay, I understand their gone, and thats that. but I have to live with my scars for the rest of my life.  Unlike other people's scars.. mine are visible for EVERYONE to see.  I can not possibly hide my scars unless I wear a paper bag over my face.

In the movie, the lead character is a jerk who acts as if only beautiful people matter, he cares about nothing except how great it is to be attractive and what good things happen to attractive people.  A classmate or "witch" whom he embarrasses casts a spell on him.  He's left with what look like scars on his face.  She tells him that he must find someone who says "I love you" to him, to break the spell.  If he does not find someone within a year, then he's left with those scars for the rest of his life.

Of course, You already know that he finds a girl, and she says "I love you" and his scars disappear, because within that year, he learns that people are so much more than what they appear to be on the outside.  A persons value or self worth is so much greater than what the world teaches.

My first thought about the criteria that he was given, is that a year is too short.  It took me years to accept myself. The movie does not display him as angry, or upset, or emotional or showing emotions about the possibility of living like that for the rest of his life.  He does hide himself from the outside world because of his disfigurement, but he never cried himself to sleep because he thought no one could ever love him.  The people in this world put so much emphasis on beauty, on who isn't and who is.  I can't tell you how many times I cried because at 14, 15, 16 and 17.. everything in a girls adolescent life is about how pretty she is, and being attractive, dating, (or at least I wanted to feel as if everyone thought I was gorgeous)

I never felt comfortable with my body, I never talked to anyone about it.  I wrote in my blog about it.  but accepting myself and my body was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Before the accident, I was always "the pretty one" out of all of my siblings. (Not my words, theirs..) I never felt pretty but I guess guys liked me.. and being flirtatious came so easily to me.  There are things that I found wrong with myself before the accident, I wanted to be skinnier, I did not like my big lips or my small boobs... and now I'd be happy with an asymmetrical face.

I don't think I necessarily took my "looks" for granted, as I did not feel beautiful.. but I did not appreciate the body I was born with.  At first everything after the accident was fuzzy.  I had people around me who were angry with me, or annoyed with me because "everyone felt sorry for me" as if I wanted them to feels sorry for me.  I didn't ask for any of this.  I did not ever imagine going through anything that has happened in the last 9 years.  I could not have predicted this.

I have people tell me all of the time that they "don't know how I do it".. do it? as in live my life?  well to be honest, I have no choice.  When I go out in public, I've learned to tune everything and everyone out around me.  Sorry if I don't see you, hear you, or if I completely look past you.  Its not you, its me.  If I tune it out, and get what I went there for, then I won't notice the man in the next aisle who is looking around the corner to get a second glance at me.  and I won't hear the child who is tugging on his moms hand saying "momma! what happened to her?!"

I suppose one could not fit all of the emotions that one would feel in a traumatic experience into a movie that is probably only 2 hours long.  I remember crying once, to Lyndall.  She was a friends mom, She was always mistaken for my mom.  I took it as a compliment.  She was a good woman, She always answered every question I had.  and she was very easy to relate to.  She was diagnosed with cancer when she was 18 months old or so.  Cancer of the nose, then cancer in her breasts, cancer in her chin.. and a few other places.  I hate calling her face "disfigured" but she went through some of the same things I felt because her face wasn't her natural face.  I was crying to her once, I told her she didn't know how I felt.  She had lived her entire life with her injuries, and I was 14, when mine happened to me.  I had been normal.. I told her that I didn't think anyone could ever possibly love me and see past my scars.  She told me "that is just a cop out".. I guess for a moment I felt sorry for myself, I know I felt like it wasn't fair.. because no one else knew what it felt like.  I will spend my entire life wondering how my life would have been different, and what I would have looked like.  I do have pictures of myself from before the accident, I can compare to Raegan and Luke to see how much they look like me.  I felt bad for Lyndall.. She has 3 daughters who look so completely different from each other.. and its hard to even imagine what exactly Lyndall would have looked like.

One thing that was taught to me, is that I should pray for what I want in a husband.  I remember the only thing I ever prayed for, is that when I met him, I would know that he was the one, I wanted to know that he was the one because I didn't want to be heartbroken or sad about the possibility of a guy not thinking I was beautiful and not appreciating me for who I was rather than what I looked like.  The day I met Brian, I told him I was going to marry him.  My dorm mates thought I was crazy. But I absolutely knew.  I can't explain it, but all of my insecurities that I had before I met him, completely disappeared.  I can't say I'm happy with the way I look, I don't like looking at myself in the mirror.. and when I do.. I tend to take a few minutes to stare at myself but I no longer worry about finding someone who is going to love me.

In the movie Beastly, the guy does find a girl to say she loves him, and his scars are gone. Big Whoop. He's returned to his normal self.  I, myself have imagined that the scars are only mine for a day, that maybe in the morning I'll wake up and see that it was only a dream but 3297 days later.. I've come to the realization that my scars are not a dream.  I will have them for the rest of my life.  I am so much more than what my body displays.  I will not hide myself.  I will not be ashamed.  I accept myself and I love that I am able to set an example for those who have trouble seeing the beauty in the imperfections of life.

So don't feel sorry for me. Don't show me sympathy.  The accident was bad, but so many great things have came from a tragic event in my life.  I am a beautiful person regardless of how the world views beauty (I'm not conceited, I promise)  I have the opportunity to see the world in a different light.

and again, the movie was good.  but maybe the producer/director should have talked someone like me.. to find out exactly what it feels like to grieve for the loss of who I was, but to be able to rebuild my life around the good things in our lives that truly have value, beauty and significance.  Things that are truly over looked and taken for granted.  Had I not experienced this event in my life.. I do not think I would be as passionate about my life as I am now.  Perhaps I am the only person who watched the movie, who actually knows anything about what its like.  and Maybe if you've read this, and watch it.. you'll be able to look at it differently and you'll perceive it differently than you would have if you hadn't read my thoughts.

Natalie

Rambling about something.

Okay. So long story short,

9 years ago I was in a really bad car accident, While I was in the hospital recovering from my injuries.. still drugged up with tubes everywhere.. My foster parents made a video of me.

Yesterday I checked the mail and I got a package that includes the original video.  I am so excited. I am going to Walgreen's this evening to send it off and have it transferred to a dvd.  I'm not emotional or anything about the accident, but I can faintly remember watching the video.  I know its bad but I think it'll be nice to show my husband and a few of my friends.  I met TONS of people after my accident, people who didn't know me before my accident.  Its been so long that talking about the accident, or my injuries doesn't feel like a big deal.  It'll be nice to refresh my memory and to show it to my husband.  I think it'll help them understand that it wasn't just "an accident'.  It was a really traumatic event in my life.  I have my scars, and my face doesn't look the same.. but I know that I look like myself.  When this video was recorded my eyes were swollen shut and to quote a friend... "My head was the size of a watermelon"

I don't think it'll upset me. I think it may shock me.  Idk.. its been 8.5 years since I've even seen it.  I'm so thankful that it was finally sent to me.  I didn't feel like it was fair for someone to have something so personal of mine.. and me not have access to it.

I don't know how I feel about it.  I think I'll probably send a copy to my nephew.. he's on the video.  He was a patient in the Children's hospital.  Its going to be strange watching it.  It feels like yesterday. I remember what it felt like to be in the hospital.  I can still recall the smell of the hospital.. and how it felt to swallow food.  I remember a lot of things, but I'll be able to visualize it now.

after typing this.. I realize I'm not as "excited" but much more nervous.  I am excited to have the video.  Nervous to watch it.. because my memory of the video has faded.. and seeing it will be like watching it for the first time all over again.

hmmmmm.....I've contemplated sharing it with others.  I know many people have their stories posted online so people can see.. but.. I hate feeling like I want attention.. but the car accident I was in was a day before school let out for the summer.  I didn't see a lot of people I went to school with or knew.. until school started in August.  (My accident was in May).. While I know my facial injuries were more than likely a shock to all of those around me.  I also know that my swelling had went down and my injuries had healed some.  I wouldn't mind sharing it with people I know... I definitely wouldn't want people feeling sorry for me, or anything..

I feel like everyone went through this with me.. I couldn't hide my injuries, I couldn't shield myself without becoming a complete hermit.  I know that I look so much better now than I did when the video was recorded.  I posted all of the pictures I have of me directly after the accident.  I am thankful for them, but I honestly kind of wish someone had taken more pictures of me.  I feel like someone should have told me that I would want pictures, and that taking pictures of my progress was a big deal.  but no one said that.  I really enjoy taking pictures of my children, they change so much, and I've got it documented.  I feel like someone should have documented my journey.  Someday when I'm long gone, the pictures I have may be left.  Maybe my ggg grandchildren will look at the picture.. and they'll wonder what happened to me, or anything about the accident I was in.  I hope I've left enough info for them to not be left out, or left wondering.


on another note, I found an obituary for my ggg grandfather's niece, she was 12 years old in 1877.  She through oil on a fire and was covered in flames, she died from her injuries 18 hours later.  I came across this obituary while searching for any trace of anything.  I hope that someday if anyone is ever searching for info about me or my life, that they'll find my whole life.

I should write a book.

:)
oh and I've contemplated making about a dozen copies of the dvd... that way I can keep some and make sure they aren't ever damaged and that they'll be in a safe place where my children have access to them.  I plan to somehow upload it online.. in a private way, so that its always online along with my pictures.




Natalie

Loads of fun.

Today has just began.. Brian went to work, Raegan is entertaining herself, Luke is in the jumperoo.

So the other day my left palm itched, and I told Brian that an old wives tale says it means "money" or something another.. so.. I told him to go to the travel plaza. We hadn't been to the casino in 2 years.. and I figured if he played 40 and lost it..it wouldn't be the end of the world.  but to my surprise he came home with 1000 dollars... So we decided to put it in savings, until we decide to go shopping for more stuff for the house.

 So We are still waiting for the brick to be delivered.. and no one is coming to hang sheet rock until next week.  So as far as the house goes.. I've just been twiddling my thumbs.. hoping for something to happen.

I've been waiting for SE to receive my transcript from Murray.  So I still haven't enrolled in classes for the summer semester that starts MONDAY.  I called 3 times yesterday to talk to someone.. and all I got was.. "I'll call you back" 's .. soooo I guess I'll call them in a few minutes.  I've already emailed the professor.. I didn't realize that once you are a Junior you have to go through the Faculty Advisor.. rather than just the advisement office.. but I was informed that they only advice Freshmen and Sophmores.. soo I emailed a Sociology professor.. where I was told I needed a minor.. and...there is only one Sociology class available this summer.. and I've already taken the class.. but there are tons of Psychology classes.. so I chose Psychology as my Minor.. so a Major Sociology and Minor in Psychology.  and.. so I'm waiting for the school to post my transcript and give me my log in info for their website so that I can begin my Summer semester.  I'm so excited to be crossing that "half way mark" .. :)

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and its getting brighter!

Well today I have a whole lot of nothing planned.  Tons of laundry (pun intended ^^^ look at title).. and I've been treating the carpet for fleas.. ARGH. I never had flea problems with 3 dogs.. but.. I let that Siamese cat in our house when she had her kittens.. I didn't treat her for fleas because I didn't want to harm the kittens.. and now we've got fleas. If its not one thing.. its another.

Sigh.  I hope your day is twice eventful as mine will be.

Natalie

Awkard moments in public restrooms

There is nothing more I dislike than having to #2 in a public restroom.. but.. we were no where near home.. and I had to go.. LOL.. SORRY TMI?

anyways.. I had Luke with me.. and I went into the bathroom.. One thing I learned from a friend when I was 15 and in Guadalajara.. is a thing called a "courtesy flush"... so thing won't stink.

LOL I'm laughing at myself for even sharing this.

So I'm in the bathroom stall and Luke is in the little seat for kids.. slowly slumping over.. *sigh* I'm quiet.. and doing my courtesy flush because I would be so embarassed if someone came in and made a comment about how it stinks..

HAHAHA WHY AM I TYPING THIS!?!?!

anyways.. so I'm sitting there in the quiet with Luke.. and.. 2 women walk in.. I hear them chatting *being very loud* and.. one chick tells the other chick.. "Remind me to go poop after we eat lunch.. I think it'll make me feel better"

wth? LOL.. and so I'm sitting there giggling to myself as they continue with their loud and obnoxious embarassing comments.. I was thinking to myself.. OMG I would not say these things in a public bathroom.  (the first thing I do in a public bathroom is see how many people are in the bathroom when I go LOL)

anyways.. so Luke is so quiet during the whole thing.. just smiling at me ... and while these chicks are washing their hands (I'm being quiet because I am embarassed).. LUKE OUT LETS OUT THIS HUGE LOUD SQUEAL!!!!.. and I hear one chick say to the other chick.. "Did you hear that?".. and then they ran out of the bathroom giggling.

OH MY GOSH THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE THAT A BABY WAS SQUEALING IN THE BATHROOM. I was so nervous they'd send an employee in to investigate "because someone abandoned a baby in a stall.."

and what if someone had abandoned a baby in the stall???? No one reported him squealing.. It makes me sad to think of a 5 month old left all alone by himself in the bathroom.

Sigh. thats the last time I use a public restroom.... er.. until I absolutely have to.. again.. LOL

oh my word. I ran out of the bathroom when I was finished.. I found Brian.. and I could not catch my breath because I was laughing so hard while telling him about the convo those chicks were having.


AWKWARD.

A reflection on my life

Today I thought I would write a reflection on the last 10 years of my life.  10 years ago, I was placed in foster care.  I think we all have those days that we make decisions that change everything about how the rest of our lives play out. 

I was in 8th grade, 13 years old and I absolutely refused to go home from school.  A police officer drove me to the youth shelter.  I can tell you that I had no clue what was going to happen.  I had no clue what to expect.  If you had told me that day.. That this is where I’d be.. I don’t know that I would have believed you.  At 13, I had already started trying to imagine my life in a different light.  I already wanted to be 18 and on my own.  As a child, you try to imagine how things will play out, what life will be like, and how it will feel to be free. 

I spent a month in the youth shelter.  I was asked several times to go back home.  I remember my mom coming up several times.  I still refused.  I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to live under those circumstances.  My little sister was so mad at me.  She wanted to be home with my mom.  Evelyn was her favorite.  I was taken out of the home and of course they removed Evelyn.  Evelyn spent the month in the shelter with me.  I stood my ground.  I refused to go home and we were put into separate foster homes until we could be reunited under one roof.  The purpose of foster care is not to take children away from their families but to rehabilitate those homes, and to make those homes safe for children with the hope of reuniting them.

I had been in foster care for a year and a half in May of 2003.  I still remember clearly that the State was still trying to place me back at home.  I still was in a position to say that I did not want to go home. And that I would not go home.  I don’t think I ever considered how that made anyone else feel.  I understood my mom was mentally ill.. But my moms condition really hurt me.  I cried myself to sleep very often.  My heart was broken and I did not think anyone understood.  On May 21, 2003  I went on a visit with my mom.  My older sister was going to drive us to my nieces graduation.  I stood outside the car and told my mom that there were not enough seat belts in the car.  I knew Kenia and her brother were going to be coming home with us.  My mom told me to shut up and to get into the car.  This would be a moment in her life that changed everything. 

On the way home, Kenia and Iggy were in my lap. And the last thing I remember is looking over and hearing my mom and her boyfriend scream.  I woke up 5 days later, with eyes swollen shut, and tubes coming out of my neck and mouth.  I wasn’t emotional.  Everything was fuzzy.  I felt numb when I woke up.  I was told my mom and niece had died.  I was told of my injuries.. And I remember trying to touch my face and having my hands pulled away from my face.  The first time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize myself.  I knew I was Natalie but I had no recollection of the girl in the pictures that were posted all over my hospital room.  This was a moment in my life that changed everything.  This experience rewired my brain completely. 

If you had told me that day.. That this is what would have happened to me.. I don’t think I would have believed you.  I told my mom I had a “bad” feeling but I’m pretty sure I made that up.  Those memories are fresh on my mind.  It almost feels as if it were yesterday but I still can’t believe tomorrow makes 9 years.  I was no longer pushed to go home or anywhere after my mom died.  I was just floating around in the system.  Even though I had several people offer to take me in, there was still that sense that I belonged to no one, and I had no home.  I can remember that feeling from a very early age.  I can clearly remember going through my moms things when I was 8.  I hoped I would find some little trace of something that said I wasn’t hers.  I hoped I was adopted or kidnapped or something.  I never found anything.

I spent my life never belonging anywhere.  I had my mom but what I felt was something no one should ever feel. By the time I turned 18, I was so ready to be on my own.  I knew I was responsible enough to take care of myself. I was ready to discover the world for myself.

6 years later.  9 years since the accident.  I’ve found my little niche. I won’t lie to you.  The 5 years I was in foster care were some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced.  My time in care probably wouldn’t have been so bad had I not been overwhelmed with my insecurity and depression.  But today I am depression free.  I am married, Brian and I have two beautiful children.  And I am a Junior in college.  I don’t feel any heart ache.  I am not broken.  Everyone wonders what their purpose is, or why they’re here.. I don’t think my purpose really ever dawned on me until today.  I was thinking about how happy I am.  Things that give you purpose really make you happy.  My purpose is to be a good mother, and to give my children the best life I possibly can.  There is no way for me to go back and change anything I’ve ever experienced.  I can’t take away the pain, or discomfort.  I can not replace the memories.  But as a mother today, I can provide my children so much more.  The heartache I felt has prepared me for this moment.  In this moment, I can wrap my arms around my children and squeeze them as tight as I can.  I can kiss them, and tell them how much I love them.  I don’t have those memories with my mom.  In this moment, I can give my children stability I never experienced.  I can give them memories I will never have with my parents.

Ten years ago, I would have never imagined this.  I would not have ever imagined actually being married, having children, building a home.  I was so desperate to get out of the cycle I was forced to be in, I would have done anything to get out and away.  I love my mom. I love my niece.  My love for them is something that is instilled in me.  But what has came from my decisions has most certainly been good.  I don’t look at my life as being a bad thing.  I would not want to relive any of what I’ve experienced.  Those memories are still within reach.  I know what all of it felt like.  But had I known this is where I would be at this time, I wouldn’t have been as lonely or insecure. 

My life is nothing I could have ever predicted but I am happy with where I am today.  If all I’ve been through was only for this moment of happiness, security, and fulfillment, then I’d say the last 10 years have been absolutely worth it.  I am thankful for the opportunity to live a life that is meaningful.

Sigh.. When I read what I write, it never makes sense. It doesn’t feel organized.  It feels choppy and all over the place.  Blah. Ten years is a long time.  I have a lot of memories and I’ve learned all kinds of things.

1.  Anything can happen at any time.
2.  Expect the unexpected.
3. Life is worth living.
4. I forgot. Ask me later.

-Natalie

Restless fingers make me type.

Today has been a good day.  Woke up early to a phone call from our contractor.  We went outside and he explained how we're supposed to stuff insulation around our windows and doors.  The electrician is supposed to come on Monday and we'll have brick soon after that.

We have shingles on our roof.  Its soo exciting.  I'm still painting this damn trim... white is a beautiful color but I have to do several coats because the smallest blemish shows.  Brian should be home in the next 30 minutes or so.. and he's going to help me finish.

Luke has been a good baby today.. he only cried when I went to the bathroom to do my business.. and Raegan has been very pleasant.  She looks forward to every day when Brian gets off work.  He takes her outside and she runs around our "work in progress" (our new home)

Today has went by pretty fast.. The house is quiet and I'm listening to some Jason Aldean. Ahh there are some songs that make me feel nostalgic. I can't explain the feeling it gives me.. its calming, kind of soothes my soul.  We all have those songs.. and we all know that feeling.  It feels almost as if he's singing the song to me. ah! lol

I'm trying to think of what I should say.          There is plenty I could talk about.. but with this blog being so public.. I shall restrain myself.

Anyways.. first thought in my head. I can't wait to move into our new house. (my house my house my house....yes someday I'll eventually stop talking about it)... I'm ready to deep clean everything and start over in our new house.  Brian and I never had a wedding shower.. so we didn't have tons of nice new stuff when we came home from our wedding.  We've got some stuff, new comforters and wall decor.. its all still packaged.. we're waiting until the day we move in to actually open them.  I look forward to new towels, and sheets, and pillows.. a beautiful dining room table.. and a beautiful bedroom set.  Slowly but surely.. I'm so excited to actually feel like I'm in my home, that's comfortable and not cluttered.  This house is so small.. and while I'm thankful for a roof over my head, I can't help but feel bitter and annoyed towards this house.  I've known since I moved in, that this is not my forever home.. so I've been ready to get out of it from the beginning.. and THE TIME HAS COME! :) YAY.. almost.  Sigh.

Today I miss my dear friend a bunch.  She lives in Germany for the time being... 3 years is a long time.. I'm ready for her to be back though.  I enjoy texting her every day.. and her encouragement and her opinion and her companionship.  (Pssst. Heather I'm talking about you!)

I must say.. I also can't help but think about how I'm in a really good spot.  I enjoy my life.  I haven't been this happy in ....ever.  I know life is a roller coaster.. but I'm on a good high.  I don't think I've ever been so content with life.  After I had Raegan, I had so many nervous breakdowns.. I was such an emotional wreck.  Life was really stressful.  But.. Things are so much better after Luke.  I really am happy and I enjoy every day so much.  I enjoy waking up, and I enjoy  going to bed.  I know even though things were stressful, I was happy with Raegan, but not this happy.  not this content.  Things really seem to be going my way.  I hate to jinx myself.  Being as happy as I am makes me really notice how different Brian and I are.  Not necessarily in a bad way.  I am an optimist. Brian on the other hand is a pessimist. Its frustrating.. and I point it out every time he says something negative to counteract my happiness or what I'm excited for.  Its annoying.  Of course with being a glass half full person.. I understand things go wrong.. but things also get better.. but Brian only things of the things that can go wrong.  I don't know if theres any way for me to RE-wire the way he thinks. I think he'd be a happier person if he wasn't so concerned with the things that will or won't happen, or will or won't go wrong.  Sigh.. input?

Blah blah blah..

Luke is starting to wimper.. I'm going to go roll around in the floor with him.

Natalie

What I think.

Okay no one has asked me my opinion on the Times Magazine Cover.. but.. :) I shall tell you anyways.

My opinion is that a mother should breastfeed her child as long as her child wants or needs it. Every person parents differently.  Nothing annoys me more than how the world views breastfeeding.

My personal opinion is that breastfeeding is something beautiful that was created by God and perverted by man.  I follow my instincts and I believe that allows me to be a better parent.  I don't like comparing myself to an animal.. but I guess in a sense we are all the same.  Naturally a woman has instincts that tell her and guide her on how to care for her children, and to raise them.  I don't mind a doctors advice but I prefer to follow my instincts and let my child do things at her own pace.  I understand that there are many mothers who have to work.  I understand that breastfeeding can be frustrating and that some mothers can not handle the pressures of work, their daily lives and breastfeeding.  When I had Raegan, I was a stay at home mom but I chose to formula feed. This time with Luke, I am still a stay at home mother, but I am breastfeeding Luke.  I can tell you with certainty that both experiences were and are completely different.  Raegan is still a healthy, smart and beautiful 3 year old little girl but I feel like I have a much closer bond with Luke, than I did with Raegan.  But I suppose I could also attribute how I feel about my bond with my children to their ages, Raegan is 3 and much more independent.  Luke is 4 months old and depends on me for EVERYTHING.

I enjoy being with my children everyday.  I have my moments where I would love to be with my husband.. but I'd prefer him to be home more with all of us than just alone with me.  Parenting is so hard, I won't lie.  It is a huge commitment.  Once I knew I was pregnant with Raegan, I had to evaluate myself, my life, my values and what I wanted as a parent.  My goal is to raise healthy, beautiful, caring, loving, dedicated children who love to serve others.. and wish to pursue change.  I want my children to know they can be successful and happy without seeking riches or fame.

I believe spending every day with my children gives them stability that I never had, breastfeeding Luke gives he and I a bond that I never shared with my mother.  I've never let either of my children "cry-it-out".. You may believe that's best for your family.. but I believe that if my child is crying, its for a reason.  Everyone swore up and down that Raegan was being manipulative when she cried, which was totally not true. She's such a sweet little girl, and is so funny and bright.  She is such a blessing.  I rocked Raegan to sleep every day for the first 3 years of her life.  My mom never rocked me to sleep, never held me when I cried, never kissed my booboos. I never felt comforted by her.  I believe my purpose as a mother is to defend, protect and love my children unconditionally.

I never realized that wearing your child in a wrap or sling was considered attachment parenting.  To tell you the truth I don't know anything about attachment parenting, I haven't read anything about it, but maybe I should become more informed about it.  I do everything how I want to, as I know my family and children best.  But wearing Luke in a wrap is so much easier than the days I had to carry Raegan around everywhere in a car seat, I love that Luke rests his head on my chest as I walk around wal-mart or wherever I'm shopping.  He listens to my heartbeat, and My tight embrace comforts him and makes him feel protected.  What is sweeter than that?

I don't know if I've even made how I feel clear in my post, I just feel like parenting would be so much easier if we listened to our body and instincts.  No lie, after I felt Luke, I could feel something I never felt when I first held Raegan.  It was most definitely my instincts, it was almost as if I felt a force of energy around me.  I will most definitely parent my future children the same way.  I wish I had breastfed Raegan, I believe wholeheartedly that my Post Partum experience would have been so much better and easier.  I also will breastfeed all of my future children.  It is best for my family. and I have all of the time in the world to devote to them, to nurture, cuddle and enjoy them. So I say screw the world and breastfeed your children as long as you want. We should all strive to be amazing parents, The children we raise today will be in control of the world around us in the future.  We should raise children who are compassionate, and want a better tomorrow not only for themselves but for everyone around the world.

Natalie

A Day Gone By

I have no complaints about today.  I'm able to manage two children by myself.. surprisingly well.  Brian went to work around 9 this morning.  I decided I was going to clean around our *new* house... Between listening to Luke whine, and chasing Raegan around so I could make sure she wasn't stepping on nails, or doing anything she shouldn't be... I only managed to stay out there for 45 minutes.  Its frustrating... but I've got the whole summer to get used to it.

So I finally finished the spring semester! My last at Murray!.. It was probably the easiest.. I wish I had taken those classes earlier.  I'll start the next semester at SE in just a couple of weeks.  It seems the breaks between semesters go by so fast.  Classes will start soon and I'll be stressed out, losing sleep, and pulling my hair out. 

I sold my books back to the bookstore yesterday.  I got enough back to be able to afford to get two of these stray cats spayed.  I feel sad, one of the cats is pregnant but the woman I spoke to over the phone reassured me that its better to spay her now, than wait until she has the kittens because they probably won't find homes.  She said she puts kittens to sleep every day.  It makes me sad just thinking about taking a momma cat in and her not having her kittens when she comes out.  I imagine that motherhood is the same for cats just as it is for humans.  The strong desire to love and protect your babies.  It makes me sad, I don't want to play God. I don't want to decide that her kittens aren't worth anything.  Life itself is beautiful..and if I could I would take all of the kittens.. I just wish that I had gotten her spayed sooner (to avoid her pregnancy) or that she wasn't pregnant.. because I don't want to do this.  I just can't afford to have a million cats running around, and I can't afford to spay 5-7 more kittens on top of the cats I've already got to spay.  Brian's step dad says he'll take care of the cats if I don't spay them.  When he says "take care of them" he means he'll shoot them, and make sure they're dead.  That breaks my heart too.  I've found all but one kitten a home (different momma cat)... I figured the 3 Siamese cats would go first.. everything I've read says that black cats are the most unlikely to find a home.  :( These kittens are beautiful.. again I'd keep all of them but I can't feed all of them.

Sigh.. in other news..No one has came out today to work on the house.  The contractor came over and had Brian sign some checks.. He said that some of the framers were sick but they'd be out here asap to finish the shingles and windows/doors.  He told Brian that he expects it to be done Friday.. which is a day and a half away.  We'll be painting trim soon and dragging the shingles to the roof.  I've swept inside the house a couple of times.. but the wind blows the dust back into the house.  There are plenty of nails that need to be picked up.  I really don't enjoy picking up other people's trash.  I would never go onto someone else property and throw trash and unwanted goods all across it.  We were told to put trash cans out.  But most of the men don't use them.  They throw their disgusting cigarettes down.. along with their empty cups and water bottles.  I'll be happy when this process is done.

Raegan and Luke want my attention.

I've got to go.

Natalie

Gobbledygook.

Today is slow, but not slow enough.  Brian has to go to work in a couple of hours.  We've already been outside today to walk around our unfinished frame. The contractor said yesterday that the framers would work all weekend to finish it by Monday.. but its 11:30 and theres no one out here.  I don't think anyone is going to come out today because its only going to get hotter from here.

I read some of my blogs on Myspace. Especially the very few I wrote after I had Raegan.  I read them, and I could see how helpless and hopeless I felt.  I'm glad I'm not in that position anymore.  I am happy. Very happy.

No one ever openly discusses all of the hard things they experience after having a baby.  People think of babies as being fun and cute.. but its hard, taking care of a baby and putting a baby before yourself.  Having children effects everything about your life, and how you feel, your priorities and everything else.  Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my babies. But its having gone through it once, and now experiencing everything for a second time...I'm able to see how much better things are this time around.  Everything is SO much better. I feel better. and I'm happier.  I don't feel as hopeless or helpless.  and I actually feel more like I'm serving a purpose than just existing or "babysitting".

Well.. anyways I just wanted to update that today is going good. and I'm hungry.

Rawr!

Natalie.

More of my rambling.

Okay so. jslkdfjsdlfkllskdfjsldkfjslkdfjslkfj

My news interview aired on tv the night before last.  I can't tell you how much anxiety I had, upset stomach, couldn't sleep or eat for 2 days.... and then when it aired I felt like hiding under a rock. but I've slept since then and I feel so much better.  The weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. and I got a lot of positive feedback.  I feel much much better.


So as far as the house goes.. Yesterday someone brought lumber, and other building materials. and someone else brought the shingles for the roof.  I woke up around 7 this morning and there were men out there.. They're still outside working on our frame! It should be done before Monday!... Oh and Someone just brought our windows and doors.  This is so exciting! asl;dkfjasl;kdfjasl;dkfjasdl;kfjasdl;kfjas;ldkfj :) This process has been long, and excruciating but this is making me so happy!

When the dirt was poured ...Raegan referred to the area as a "Mountain"... and she still calls it a mountain even though theres a concrete slab and.. lumber.  We go out there every evening when Brian gets off work. She loves running around.  I have a feeling she's going to love this evening even more.. because she'll get to "run" through every room.

Luke has no personal opinion about the house.. He's the silent/quiet type. lol.. He's about like Brian.. He shows no emotions.  He's currently laying in his bassinet next to me.. sucking on his pacifier and wrapped in a blanket that was given to him by his cousin Evie Lou.  He's too cute. He's beautiful.. I love looking at him, his smile is gorgeous..

His eyes are starting to roll around.. and he's drifting to sleep. Lets see how long this lasts. Raegan has a radar like no other.  The moment he starts falling asleep she always starts dancing and running around the room.

Luke just smiled and closed his eyes. Sweet dreams.

So I finished my final for my "Deviance, Crime and Delinquency" class.  I did it while Raegan cried, and Luke screamed.. yet I managed to make an 84 on it.  So my final grade is a 79.. who knows if my professor will round it to a B.. or what.

and.. in my other sociology class .. I've got a final over terms in our text book. There is no reason I can't make a 100 on this test.. and if I make a 100, it'll bring my grade up from a 93 to a 98.... woohoo. As my GPA goes up, so does my brain cell count..lol

I'm trying to think of more to say....but if I go any further I'll just be rambling. :) So I'm going to end this short, choppy post. :)

Have a lovely day..

P.S. Raegan felt the need to run up behind me and slap my flabby love handles. Nice.
Natalie

Nasty little wench.

Okay so I did an interview with our local news station. It was supposed to be about my experience dealing with my plastic surgery but I think it ended up being more about my recovery and how my injuries effected me after the accident.

At this moment it is 12:35 a.m. And I can't sleep because of my anxiety. I feel like an idiot. The last thing I want to do is make an idiot of myself on tv. But a friend told me that "you are your harshest critic." to be honest, I feel like I said too much and too little. But I'm going to be okay. At least that is what I keep telling myself. I don't feel I'm as amazing as what people say, or that my story is that amazing. It's filled with twists and turns. I've had no choice but to live it. I completely understand why some actors and actresses don't watch movies they're in. There's so much pressure.
Breathe slowly...I also have this fear that the reporter is going to twist my words or make me look bad for sweeps. Ahh! I've seen too many chick flicks...examples being "Little Black Book" and "Bruce almighty" (the characters fight for sweeps in the movie) anyways, I think I'll survive. But I may hide in a shell for a few days. I've been so completely honest with everyone about my entire life, I think I'm most worried about negative reviews. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has felt how I've felt growing up...but I suppose that my experience is unique in the sense that I just shared my feelings with viewers all over North Texas and SE Oklahoma.

Honesty is the best policy....I hope. ... I rebuke this anxiety. It has no place in my life.

*twiddle's thumbs* sigh.

Oh and the nasty little wench is my anxiety. Couldn't think of a clever title. :)
-Natalie

Procrastination at its best.

Today has gone by fast.. I suppose. I've just been around the house.. I've done at least one load of laundry.  I made myself get dressed, even though I'd prefer to be in sweats, and bra-less in a tank.

Raegan, Luke and I just got back home from eating a late lunch at Subway. I like Subway yes, but if you eat something healthy then its not bad..right? just go with it.

No one has been out here today (working on the house).. Brian called me from work, he got tickets for the Playoffs OKC Thunder VS. Dallas Mavericks.  Cool. The game is tomorrow night. Lame.

I'm not really a fan of sports, so naturally he'd want to take someone other than me. no big deal I wouldn't enjoy it.       but there is nothing else for me to do except stay home with the kids.. which I do every day. No biggie.. I'm not complaining.. but I'd enjoy doing something with him. blah. either way. I hope he has fun and that its a safe trip... so I can hold it over his head when I want to do something. :)

I still haven't started my homework. I keep telling myself to do it.. but If anyone knows anything about me and homework. I always do it last minute.. and I always manage to get it done/pass. (of course thats no reason to procrastinate...) Procrastination adds stress cause I knowwww I need to do it. I just have Junioritus.. (kinda like Senioritus)

blah. I've torn the house up... Raegan somehow manages to lose all of her shoes.. We bought her a pair of flip flops from Old Navy.. apparently the house ate them. I've looked in and under everything and I've found no trace of them.  So she was wearing another set of flip flops and now I can only find ONE of them... sooo I found some sandals.. that she hasn't worn in forever but they're somehow the perfect size now.. lets hope she doesn't lose them.

I guess we'll find all kinds of things when we officially start moving into our new house. Cd's, shoes, batteries, socks, underwear... I bet they're all hiding in the same place. ugh.. where ever that is.

Raegan is currently sorting through her crayons.. and Luke is bouncing and kicking in his bouncer.  He pooped this morning. I didn't notice until it was running down his back and into the seat of his jumperoo. So I've got to clean that next. Oh and he decided to projectile spit-up all over the blanket that I washed yesterday.

My work never ends.  The kids always make sure there is something for me to do.

On that note, I am going to go give Raegan a shower.. and  rub all of the black and orange marker off her fingers, toes, stomach and legs.

Because that is what mommies do.

Natalie.

What is the point?

This morning I rambled to a friend about why blogging, writing in a journal and whatever else is important.

So I thought I would expand upon this subject.  I want to tell the reasons why I believe writing is important.

The reason I write is simple.  Its documentation of my life.  I have this irrational fear of dying (which is no surprise) but also of dying and being forgotten. I just don't like the thought of not being alive and leaving nothing of myself.

.. My point is that I am able to write my life out.  Its proof that I was here. Proof that I lived.

Another reason I write is because it gives others, a glimpse of who I am, or who I was.

I'm really into genealogy. I enjoy researching my family, and staring at census for hours... in my most recent searches, I learned that my Great Great Great Grandmother did not know how to write, (I assume she couldn't read either).  Honestly nothing bugs me more than my desire to know who my ancestors were but to have nothing left from them.  I imagine handwriting, and their voices.  I think it'd be amazingly awesome to be able to travel through time and to see the way they lived, and how they felt about life.

Anyways, back to my point.  My great great great grandmother couldn't write, not even her name.  This was the case with many people way back when.  In our country today EVERYONE has the right to an education.  Its so sad that people (as recent as 200 years ago) couldn't even write, and had no schooling.

It is a blessing to be able to read and write.  There are still people around the world who do not have this luxury.  Writing is a blessing in which I want to use the most of.  I wish to write to not only inspire, but to also leave a piece of myself.  What I am writing is history.  The story of my life is important and would most be valuable to those who read it in the future.  I imagine someone reading my thoughts, stories of my struggles and victories 200 years from now.  I imagine that times would have changed drastically.

It is impossible to count the benefits of writing.  I believe it is important to take advantage of writing.  Its an amazing opportunity that we have here, now in this moment. I began writing in a journal when I was 13 years old.  I was in the youth shelter, waiting to be placed in a foster home.  I still have that journal.  Sometimes I think of myself as a pack rat. I keep things that I feel are important to me.  I don't hoard things.. but I have many things that mean something to me.  I have several other journals I've kept.  I wrote in my journal on May 20, 2003.  The day before my whole life changed.  and I wrote in my journal on June 2nd, 2003, the same day I was released from the hospital.  I have everything documented.  I can read those words and go back to that moment when I wrote those words.  I don't know what I'd remember or not remember had I not written about it before and after.  My writing, gives me a glimpse of who I was before and of who I am now.  We as humans evolve as we get older.  Our priorities change, For most of us (not all of us) our way of thinking changes as well.  I like to go back and read to myself the words I thought at one time.  and I say to myself.. "Wow!"

I wish to leave my imprint somewhere, and writing allows me to.

OH AND LUKE ROLLED COMPLETELY OVER TODAY! HE'S 4 DAYS SHY OF 4 MONTHS OLD!!

Natalie

Its just Monday.

First, I didn't write yesterday. I spent the whole day with my husband.

Today is going by pretty fast. He doesn't have another day off until next week.  The days he has off work go by much faster than the days he's at work.  It must be because I wish he were home all of the time.

Raegan is currently asking for a bucket of water.  She saw me washing the cars so I gave her water, she proceeded to go in the house and pour all of the water out in the living room.  So I'm ignoring her requests for water.

Brian is playing his stupid playstation xbox game thing.  Some day... I plan to hide those stupid game systems just to see him freak out. :)

There are men outside working on our foundation.. messing with rebar and leveling the dirt. 

Today we drove to McAlester, I had to get a copy of Raegan's birth certificate so that I can get her enrolled in headstart.  It was a nice trip. Brian drove me around the old prison up there...and we talked about how old it was...among other things.

We ate a little lunch there, and.....we've only been home 2 hours or so.. I'm starving again.  Breastfeeding makes me hungry and thirsty allll the time.  I drank a huge glass of water a few minutes ago because I read that sometimes your brain can get hunger and thirst confused.... and of course I still feel like my stomach is a raging monster ...... I'm soooo hungry.

I decided I'm going to try the whole working out thing again.  Hopefully I won't be disturbed, and it'll give me something to do during the day, to pass time while I'm waiting for Brian to come home.  I can take Raegan and Luke, there is a play area, but I'll probably just wear Luke in his wrap while I walk on the treadmill.  I prefer walking on the treadmill over walking around aimlessly because I can keep count off how far I've walked, rather than just guessing.  I also told Brian that I want to buy one for my own personal use...and for him NOT to tell me I won't use it.. because it pisses me off.  He kind of said the same thing about breastfeeding.. and I have been successfully breastfeeding for 4 months now...and every time I bring up that he's a pessimist..he says "he just didn't think I'd do it".... I keep telling him that he should be more encouraging.

So my hope is that I can entertain myself in my home, in our HUGE living room.....(a treadmill will also fill empty space..) but I won't have to worry about being bothered or interrupted because I can lock the doors, and keep the blinds/curtains down and closed.   The last time I tried to go walking with Raegan and Luke around the block..I had a 140 lb weight following me.

If you don't know what I mean... I can't explain it publicly but I might discuss it privately.

Sigh. I can't stop thinking about food.  Brian owes me a hot fudge sundae.  Shut up. I know I don't need it.. but my body wants it.  I will feast on what I want until Friday.  Then Monday I will make myself start exercising. To be honest I have to make myself. I'll never be happy if I don't.  I can't even stand to look at myself in pictures or the mirror.  I probably have a little bit of body dismorphic disorder, but I know that no one is perfectly content with their body... I'm just kicking myself for ever thinking I was fat at 150 lbs.. which is a completely healthy body weight for my size and height.  blah... one sundae won't hurt right? LOL.

Ah. I got distracted with a phone call.. I had to confirm our brick choice, paint choices, and the shingle choices.

:) Someday I'll be happy that I'm recording this whole building a house process.  Right now its stressful and boring, but someday.. I'll be in our home and it'll be great.

fooooooood...

I'm going to go find food.

Natalie

I just killed a fly.

Today my little family attended a family reunion for my husband's father's side.  It was nice. Especially to visit with his sister and niece and nephew.  It was mostly a bunch of old people though.

Once we got home Brian had to go to work.  Raegan is playing on the porch and Luke is swaying in his jumperoo.

I've had nightmares for the last 3 nights. except last night. When I was pregnant with Raegan, I had very vivid crazy dreams.  But I had zero with Luke. Maybe those dreams are catching up with me now.

My first nightmare was that Brian's stepdad beat his dog's head in with a hammer. and I kept screaming for him to stop but I had no voice.  :(

and my next nightmare was that Someone was trying to kidnap Raegan.  I don't remember the 3rd nightmare. But last night I had a dream that I was an employee at Lowes. and I had to go to the bathroom.  The stalls were in the middle of the store. and anyone could walk by. Well in my dream I was in one of the stalls and I was standing up, (with my pants down..hahaha) and one of the employee's opened my stall door...and all of the customers saw all of my bits... I spent my whole dream mad at the employee and trying to get her fired.. but I woke up and I have no idea what happened after that.

I got my photobooks in the mail today! I ordered them from Snapfish.  They had a special where you could buy as many as you wanted, half priced.  I got one for Raegan and one for Luke.  I must say I am very pleased.  Even though I've seen those pictures a million times.. they look so pretty in a book that is bound together.

I don't know about you.. but I am so ready for tomorrow.  Brian has tomorrow off. I spend all week waiting for Sunday. I enjoy spending time with him. I feel pretty lonely without him.  Seems once you get married and have kids.. everyone kind of goes their own way. well.. not everyone. I attract the crazy people. They're the only ones who want anything to do with me. *BANGS HEAD ON WALL*

Sigh. Luke is hungry. Gotta feed him.

Have a good day. :)

Natalie

An array of subjects

I'm sitting here eating a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. They taste amazing.. but in the back of my mind I can't help but think of calories and carbs.. and about how what I'm eating isn't ever going to help me be 150 lbs again.

blah.

Today started out good. We woke up, I fed Luke while Brian played with his new phone, and Raegan watched the same episode of Dora the Explorer for the umpteenth millionth time.  Some guy brought lumber. Its laying in the back yard. It rained last night so I don't expect anyone to come pour concrete since the ground is wet.  but on a good note, Its sunny outside right now and its supposed to be sunny ALL of next week.  Maybe they'll get that slab poured and get the frame up.  Everything is coming together slowly. But even so.. I am so excited.

I keep smelling random smells. Its one of those smells that takes you back to a time and place where you smelt it first. It makes me feel nostalgic.  Kinda like how the sound of trucks, particularly semi trucks that are just idling.. remind me of a time when I was younger. My mom who was mentally ill.. hitch hiked across the country with my little sister and I.  We stayed in Nashville, and in Georgia somewhere. and a few months (yes a few months) later we came back and lived in Texas with my grandma. but the sound of the semi trucks reminds me of riding in them.  and especially at night (since that is when we traveled most) the lights on cars, brake lights especially remind me of those experiences.

The sound of sirens from firetrucks and ambulances bring tears to my eyes instantly.  I don't even have to think about it, they flow instantaneously when I hear the sound.  I guess its something psychological that causes it.  It hadn't ever happened until about 3 years ago (at that point it had been 5 years since my accident).. I went to a fire truck parade and the sirens were blaring.  I looked like an idiot.  I think exposing myself to those sounds helps because I haven't cried has hard as the first time it happened to me.  Like I said, I guess its something psychological. Even though I don't remember my accident, there is part of my brain that does.  I guess it remembers the sound of sirens as I was driven to the hospital in the back of the ambulance.

who knows.  It definitely puts me on the spot.  Last year I was waiting for class to start, a friend and I went and got Sonic while we were waiting for time to pass and an ambulance drove by with the sirens blaring.  I hadn't mentioned what happens to her.. and she asked me what was wrong.  I looked at her through my tear filled eyes and told her its something I can't control.  She was completely understanding though.

I put Luke in the jumperoo. He seems to like it more today than the days before.  He's currently bouncing on one foot to the other.. and cooing.  Raegan is wearing the same dress for the 3rd day in a row.  NOT because I won't change her clothes.. I gave her the option of wearing 5 or 6 dresses.. but she's on a kick. She only wants to wear this one dress.  I think its good to get her to choose what she wants to wear... I don't  let her out of the house wearing the same thing she did yesterday.. I make her change her clothes, but the moment we step foot back into the house she wants to put that dang dress back on again.  Luckily its 59 degrees today so its a little bit cooler than its been previously, so I don't mind as much.

I've got homework due tonight. Its only a discussion post, and then the rest of my work is due Sunday night.  I really hope Brian comes home from work early.  His schedule is never consistent.  There is no way I'm even going to attempt to do my work w/o him here..unless I absolutely have to.  The last time I tried to do it w/o him here watching Raegan and Luke, I was a nervous wreck.  

So its been 3 years since I've written any blogs or journal posts.  On my first post, a friend told me that my words flow well together.  and that I write well.  She's probably reading this..*waves*  I was pleasantly surprised to get a compliment. At least I think it was... I hope it was. ha.   I had no desire to write after I had Raegan. I went from blogging every day to absolutely nothing.  I kind of regret it.  I should have kept it up.  I think I would have been much happier.  I'm always on facebook but its not really used for blogging.  So here I am. Exposing every thought I have.  Clearing my conscience and lifting the burdens off my shoulders.

Luke is getting restless. I must go entertain him by juggling something, dancing ridiculously, or any other action that would make me look like a complete idiot.  Anything for Luke. :)

Natalie

Just a bunch of jibberish

Today started out like any other day. If you know me, then you know what I mean. If you don't know me... then I'll just tell you there are too many crazy people in my life.
I don't think I'll go much further on that subject.

In other news. The plumbers came today and did whatever they had to do for our house.  Now we are just waiting for the next set of guys to come out and do their job.  I hope we have a slab soon.  I've waited for this house for 5 years and now that its finally being built, it doesn't even feel real!

I haven't done much today. My days mostly consist of cleaning and taking care of Raegan and Luke.  I've been corresponding with others about my family history. I've called several Genealogy Societies, court houses and other places.  Untangling this web of mysteries is proving to be time consuming and addicting. I enjoy it a lot.

So in the midst of typing this blog.  The fedex guy came, my MIL.. and... then Raegan was screaming for a shower. Which is rare because she's scared of the bath.. so I gave her a bath and let her play in the water, then I changed Luke's poopy diaper for the 4th time today.

It never ends. Raegan is currently counting with Dora the Explorer and Luke is getting restless because obviously I should pay attention to him at all times of the day. My husband should be home in an hour but I doubt he'll want to sit still and let me write anything.  His mom wants us to come over for dinner............. sigh. I told her I'd talk to my husband bout it.

Argh it. The cat just got in the cat food. I've fed her like ten times today. BRB.

Okay so she happens to be a stray that I feed, she was completely wild a year ago.. but who isn't intrigued by a stray Siamese cat (there were two but my husband scared the chit out of the other..and it won't even come close to our house any more)

but anyways.. We knew she was expecting kittens.. and I kept telling my husband.. everyday.. "TODAY's the day!" but she never had the kittens when I predicted.  I woke up at 3:30 a.m. the morning after Easter.. to the sound of kittens crying on our porch.  My husband looked outside and said he didn't see any. *eyeroll* He wasn't too keen on the idea of bringing her in. but It was pouring down rain. So when I got up.. at 8 a.m. I went to go get breakfast and she was on the porch hiding with her kittens.  So I brought her into a room in our house where she wouldn't be bothered by other cats. so She's doing well, lets us know when she wants in and out. She comes and goes as she pleases since I've been leaving the front door open.. but when she's hungry, it doesn't matter how many times I feed her.. if she's hungry.. she has no limits.. so she attempts to get in the trash and then I get food for her, Now she knows where the cat food is.. and she gets in it. argh. so she's eating her mess right now.

She had 5 kittens, 3 Siamese and 2 black/grey striped kittens. They're super cute. and she's a good momma.

I haven't had kittens since I was ten or so.. this has been a pleasant experience.  Probably also because about 2 weeks ago we put our dog down. :( she had liver issues and.. 150 dollars each month at the vet was getting expensive. and so we took her to a different vet, and w/o even mentioning Sugar's knee problems or how much surgery would have cost *2500.00 dollars* ...and w/o telling her how much we had spent on meds.. she immediately told us.. she wasn't going to get better. So I've been moping around. When you've had a pet for 5 years, they're like family. I miss her dearly.  We had two other dogs. Junebug and Baby but I found them different homes.

After I had Raegan I was sooo overwhelmed and almost found homes for them. It was difficult taking care of 3 dogs and a child... especially since I had never taken care of a baby before. So I was really dreading PPD after I had Luke.

So I found Junebug and Baby homes a few weeks before I had Luke.  and I would have kept Sugar forever but we would let her outside and she could barely walk up the stairs.  She couldn't even lift her legs to scratch herself. It was pitiful.. The last thing I told her was "I love you Sugar Booger"

Then I cried the whole way home. My husband treated me to ice cream.. and I sobbed.

Change of subject.

I have to write in spurts because if one child is crying the other one is wanting my attention and.. I finally got them to be quiet.

Okay so I've had a change of mood. On a personal note I don't know what to do. I have people in my life that I'd do anything for but the decisions they make, and the life they CHOOSE to live.. doesn't allow me to help them. I offer support but I'm on the outside, and there is nothing I can do.  I feel like my hands are tied, and someday I imagine it'll all come to an end and it won't be a happy one.  With that being said, I can't really stand manipulative liars.  Addiction is a bad thing. Especially when you recognize that you have one.  Denial is hard.  Its hard to face the truth. and even harder to make the effort to change the repetitive patterns and lifestyle. Hard yes. Impossible NO!  I've got to learn to focus on me and my family. I am not responsible for anyone else.  If they aren't happy then they have to seek change.

Learning to step aside and knowing its going to be a rough road for those involved isn't easy.  I've made my choices. I'm living my life. They'll live theirs.

Argh.  I'm hungry.  Ready for my husband to be home and I need a distraction.  I may go play outside. Its beautiful.

SIGH.

Natalie

In the beginning

Its been so long since I've written anything. I don't even know where to start.  I used to write all of the time. I wrote through my whole pregnancy with my daughter Raegan, and then once she started moving.. I was far too busy. I couldn't keep up. I can't believe its been 3 years since she was born.

Today I decided I should try picking up writing again. I always enjoyed it. It really helps me sort through the things in my mind.  I find it therapeutic and relaxing.  My hope is that others can relate to what I say or think and also that I can be encouraging or inspiring.

So lets start with today.

Everything is going well. We're currently building a home...and I can't help but feel anxious about the contractors and others coming and working on it.  I can see everything they're doing from my window.. We're tearing down this house after our new home is built.  The only thing that bites is that no one showed up yesterday or today. Sooo... I guess this anxious feeling isn't going away.

Today is a beautiful day. Sunshine and blue skies.  The wind keeps sweeping the sweet aroma of flowers into the house. (The front door is open.)  Raegan is playing. She insists on wearing a dress every day. Thats no problem. The thing is today she wants to wear a dress that is meant to be worn in the winter.  So She's wearing it in the house with the air on.  I figured that wouldn't hurt right?

If you are still reading this.. I'll mention how ready I am to be done with school. I've only got a couple more weeks left in this semester.  I feel good knowing I'm half way through school. A Junior. Yippee.  But it doesn't keep me from dreading the upcoming semesters.  I convinced my husband to continue his education. He finished his first two years of school, and then stopped attending when he got the job he's got now.  He's had his job in a smoke filled casino for 11 years.. and I really don't like it.  His dad died from lung cancer, and I think that makes him want to finish his education even more.. So when he has his degree he can obtain a job that he really enjoys and has a better schedule.

I'm majoring in Sociology.  I find it to be easy. I understand so much about the things we discuss in my classes.  I guess that has to do with my childhood.  I grew up in a single parent home.  Money was tight.  The physical, psychological and emotional abuse did plenty of damage.  I was placed in foster care when I was 13.  I was in a car accident while on a visit with my mom when I was 14.  My mom and niece died.  So I was in care until I turned 18.  I was released to discover the world on my own with very little support.  I met my husband my first semester of college.  Married him a year to the day we met, and we've been together for 6 years now.  We had our daughter Raegan in January of 2009. and our son was due in January of 2012, but he came just a few days early and landed on December 28, 2011.

I enjoy being a mother, watching my children grow is such a blessing.  I have the opportunity to be at home with them.  Some days are stressful but I really enjoy every day I have with them.

Sorry to cut this short. Luke is starting to cry. He's a boobie monster. Gotta feed'm.

I'll write more as soon as the opportunity presents itself.  Probably when Luke is sleeping. ;)

Natalie