A Review of My Own.

Last night I watched a movie named Beastly.  I had wanted to see it for a long time, every so often I'd search the guide to see if it was coming on any channels that we have.  The other day Brian told me that we were getting the Encore channels for free between 5/28 -6/1.. the thought of checking for Beastly popped in my mind.  So I used the search menu to find the movie.  To my complete surprise it was listed as coming on.  I watched it last night. and felt like it was kind of a slow movie.  I watched it again today.. and it inspired me to write this blog entry.

My over all review of the movie was that it was kind of slow, and there were a few gaps.  I feel like it could have been portrayed a little bit differently.  I did not feel like it was as emotionally accurate as it should have been.  I mean, Only a person who has actually experienced having their face completely traumatized would be able to portray the real emotions that the movie implies. Right?

If you haven't watched the movie, I don't expect you to go out and watch it, buy it or rent it. I think this is the part of the blog that gets a little more personal.  It is this movie that inspired me to explain exactly what it feels like.

Although I can't be certain.  I've always said that the things I experienced after the accident (depression and such) had more to do with me accepting my body than the death of my mom and niece. I don't want to make it sound like it didn't bother me that they were no longer alive.  But there comes a point where I'm okay, I understand their gone, and thats that. but I have to live with my scars for the rest of my life.  Unlike other people's scars.. mine are visible for EVERYONE to see.  I can not possibly hide my scars unless I wear a paper bag over my face.

In the movie, the lead character is a jerk who acts as if only beautiful people matter, he cares about nothing except how great it is to be attractive and what good things happen to attractive people.  A classmate or "witch" whom he embarrasses casts a spell on him.  He's left with what look like scars on his face.  She tells him that he must find someone who says "I love you" to him, to break the spell.  If he does not find someone within a year, then he's left with those scars for the rest of his life.

Of course, You already know that he finds a girl, and she says "I love you" and his scars disappear, because within that year, he learns that people are so much more than what they appear to be on the outside.  A persons value or self worth is so much greater than what the world teaches.

My first thought about the criteria that he was given, is that a year is too short.  It took me years to accept myself. The movie does not display him as angry, or upset, or emotional or showing emotions about the possibility of living like that for the rest of his life.  He does hide himself from the outside world because of his disfigurement, but he never cried himself to sleep because he thought no one could ever love him.  The people in this world put so much emphasis on beauty, on who isn't and who is.  I can't tell you how many times I cried because at 14, 15, 16 and 17.. everything in a girls adolescent life is about how pretty she is, and being attractive, dating, (or at least I wanted to feel as if everyone thought I was gorgeous)

I never felt comfortable with my body, I never talked to anyone about it.  I wrote in my blog about it.  but accepting myself and my body was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  Before the accident, I was always "the pretty one" out of all of my siblings. (Not my words, theirs..) I never felt pretty but I guess guys liked me.. and being flirtatious came so easily to me.  There are things that I found wrong with myself before the accident, I wanted to be skinnier, I did not like my big lips or my small boobs... and now I'd be happy with an asymmetrical face.

I don't think I necessarily took my "looks" for granted, as I did not feel beautiful.. but I did not appreciate the body I was born with.  At first everything after the accident was fuzzy.  I had people around me who were angry with me, or annoyed with me because "everyone felt sorry for me" as if I wanted them to feels sorry for me.  I didn't ask for any of this.  I did not ever imagine going through anything that has happened in the last 9 years.  I could not have predicted this.

I have people tell me all of the time that they "don't know how I do it".. do it? as in live my life?  well to be honest, I have no choice.  When I go out in public, I've learned to tune everything and everyone out around me.  Sorry if I don't see you, hear you, or if I completely look past you.  Its not you, its me.  If I tune it out, and get what I went there for, then I won't notice the man in the next aisle who is looking around the corner to get a second glance at me.  and I won't hear the child who is tugging on his moms hand saying "momma! what happened to her?!"

I suppose one could not fit all of the emotions that one would feel in a traumatic experience into a movie that is probably only 2 hours long.  I remember crying once, to Lyndall.  She was a friends mom, She was always mistaken for my mom.  I took it as a compliment.  She was a good woman, She always answered every question I had.  and she was very easy to relate to.  She was diagnosed with cancer when she was 18 months old or so.  Cancer of the nose, then cancer in her breasts, cancer in her chin.. and a few other places.  I hate calling her face "disfigured" but she went through some of the same things I felt because her face wasn't her natural face.  I was crying to her once, I told her she didn't know how I felt.  She had lived her entire life with her injuries, and I was 14, when mine happened to me.  I had been normal.. I told her that I didn't think anyone could ever possibly love me and see past my scars.  She told me "that is just a cop out".. I guess for a moment I felt sorry for myself, I know I felt like it wasn't fair.. because no one else knew what it felt like.  I will spend my entire life wondering how my life would have been different, and what I would have looked like.  I do have pictures of myself from before the accident, I can compare to Raegan and Luke to see how much they look like me.  I felt bad for Lyndall.. She has 3 daughters who look so completely different from each other.. and its hard to even imagine what exactly Lyndall would have looked like.

One thing that was taught to me, is that I should pray for what I want in a husband.  I remember the only thing I ever prayed for, is that when I met him, I would know that he was the one, I wanted to know that he was the one because I didn't want to be heartbroken or sad about the possibility of a guy not thinking I was beautiful and not appreciating me for who I was rather than what I looked like.  The day I met Brian, I told him I was going to marry him.  My dorm mates thought I was crazy. But I absolutely knew.  I can't explain it, but all of my insecurities that I had before I met him, completely disappeared.  I can't say I'm happy with the way I look, I don't like looking at myself in the mirror.. and when I do.. I tend to take a few minutes to stare at myself but I no longer worry about finding someone who is going to love me.

In the movie Beastly, the guy does find a girl to say she loves him, and his scars are gone. Big Whoop. He's returned to his normal self.  I, myself have imagined that the scars are only mine for a day, that maybe in the morning I'll wake up and see that it was only a dream but 3297 days later.. I've come to the realization that my scars are not a dream.  I will have them for the rest of my life.  I am so much more than what my body displays.  I will not hide myself.  I will not be ashamed.  I accept myself and I love that I am able to set an example for those who have trouble seeing the beauty in the imperfections of life.

So don't feel sorry for me. Don't show me sympathy.  The accident was bad, but so many great things have came from a tragic event in my life.  I am a beautiful person regardless of how the world views beauty (I'm not conceited, I promise)  I have the opportunity to see the world in a different light.

and again, the movie was good.  but maybe the producer/director should have talked someone like me.. to find out exactly what it feels like to grieve for the loss of who I was, but to be able to rebuild my life around the good things in our lives that truly have value, beauty and significance.  Things that are truly over looked and taken for granted.  Had I not experienced this event in my life.. I do not think I would be as passionate about my life as I am now.  Perhaps I am the only person who watched the movie, who actually knows anything about what its like.  and Maybe if you've read this, and watch it.. you'll be able to look at it differently and you'll perceive it differently than you would have if you hadn't read my thoughts.

Natalie

Rambling about something.

Okay. So long story short,

9 years ago I was in a really bad car accident, While I was in the hospital recovering from my injuries.. still drugged up with tubes everywhere.. My foster parents made a video of me.

Yesterday I checked the mail and I got a package that includes the original video.  I am so excited. I am going to Walgreen's this evening to send it off and have it transferred to a dvd.  I'm not emotional or anything about the accident, but I can faintly remember watching the video.  I know its bad but I think it'll be nice to show my husband and a few of my friends.  I met TONS of people after my accident, people who didn't know me before my accident.  Its been so long that talking about the accident, or my injuries doesn't feel like a big deal.  It'll be nice to refresh my memory and to show it to my husband.  I think it'll help them understand that it wasn't just "an accident'.  It was a really traumatic event in my life.  I have my scars, and my face doesn't look the same.. but I know that I look like myself.  When this video was recorded my eyes were swollen shut and to quote a friend... "My head was the size of a watermelon"

I don't think it'll upset me. I think it may shock me.  Idk.. its been 8.5 years since I've even seen it.  I'm so thankful that it was finally sent to me.  I didn't feel like it was fair for someone to have something so personal of mine.. and me not have access to it.

I don't know how I feel about it.  I think I'll probably send a copy to my nephew.. he's on the video.  He was a patient in the Children's hospital.  Its going to be strange watching it.  It feels like yesterday. I remember what it felt like to be in the hospital.  I can still recall the smell of the hospital.. and how it felt to swallow food.  I remember a lot of things, but I'll be able to visualize it now.

after typing this.. I realize I'm not as "excited" but much more nervous.  I am excited to have the video.  Nervous to watch it.. because my memory of the video has faded.. and seeing it will be like watching it for the first time all over again.

hmmmmm.....I've contemplated sharing it with others.  I know many people have their stories posted online so people can see.. but.. I hate feeling like I want attention.. but the car accident I was in was a day before school let out for the summer.  I didn't see a lot of people I went to school with or knew.. until school started in August.  (My accident was in May).. While I know my facial injuries were more than likely a shock to all of those around me.  I also know that my swelling had went down and my injuries had healed some.  I wouldn't mind sharing it with people I know... I definitely wouldn't want people feeling sorry for me, or anything..

I feel like everyone went through this with me.. I couldn't hide my injuries, I couldn't shield myself without becoming a complete hermit.  I know that I look so much better now than I did when the video was recorded.  I posted all of the pictures I have of me directly after the accident.  I am thankful for them, but I honestly kind of wish someone had taken more pictures of me.  I feel like someone should have told me that I would want pictures, and that taking pictures of my progress was a big deal.  but no one said that.  I really enjoy taking pictures of my children, they change so much, and I've got it documented.  I feel like someone should have documented my journey.  Someday when I'm long gone, the pictures I have may be left.  Maybe my ggg grandchildren will look at the picture.. and they'll wonder what happened to me, or anything about the accident I was in.  I hope I've left enough info for them to not be left out, or left wondering.


on another note, I found an obituary for my ggg grandfather's niece, she was 12 years old in 1877.  She through oil on a fire and was covered in flames, she died from her injuries 18 hours later.  I came across this obituary while searching for any trace of anything.  I hope that someday if anyone is ever searching for info about me or my life, that they'll find my whole life.

I should write a book.

:)
oh and I've contemplated making about a dozen copies of the dvd... that way I can keep some and make sure they aren't ever damaged and that they'll be in a safe place where my children have access to them.  I plan to somehow upload it online.. in a private way, so that its always online along with my pictures.




Natalie

Loads of fun.

Today has just began.. Brian went to work, Raegan is entertaining herself, Luke is in the jumperoo.

So the other day my left palm itched, and I told Brian that an old wives tale says it means "money" or something another.. so.. I told him to go to the travel plaza. We hadn't been to the casino in 2 years.. and I figured if he played 40 and lost it..it wouldn't be the end of the world.  but to my surprise he came home with 1000 dollars... So we decided to put it in savings, until we decide to go shopping for more stuff for the house.

 So We are still waiting for the brick to be delivered.. and no one is coming to hang sheet rock until next week.  So as far as the house goes.. I've just been twiddling my thumbs.. hoping for something to happen.

I've been waiting for SE to receive my transcript from Murray.  So I still haven't enrolled in classes for the summer semester that starts MONDAY.  I called 3 times yesterday to talk to someone.. and all I got was.. "I'll call you back" 's .. soooo I guess I'll call them in a few minutes.  I've already emailed the professor.. I didn't realize that once you are a Junior you have to go through the Faculty Advisor.. rather than just the advisement office.. but I was informed that they only advice Freshmen and Sophmores.. soo I emailed a Sociology professor.. where I was told I needed a minor.. and...there is only one Sociology class available this summer.. and I've already taken the class.. but there are tons of Psychology classes.. so I chose Psychology as my Minor.. so a Major Sociology and Minor in Psychology.  and.. so I'm waiting for the school to post my transcript and give me my log in info for their website so that I can begin my Summer semester.  I'm so excited to be crossing that "half way mark" .. :)

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and its getting brighter!

Well today I have a whole lot of nothing planned.  Tons of laundry (pun intended ^^^ look at title).. and I've been treating the carpet for fleas.. ARGH. I never had flea problems with 3 dogs.. but.. I let that Siamese cat in our house when she had her kittens.. I didn't treat her for fleas because I didn't want to harm the kittens.. and now we've got fleas. If its not one thing.. its another.

Sigh.  I hope your day is twice eventful as mine will be.

Natalie

Awkard moments in public restrooms

There is nothing more I dislike than having to #2 in a public restroom.. but.. we were no where near home.. and I had to go.. LOL.. SORRY TMI?

anyways.. I had Luke with me.. and I went into the bathroom.. One thing I learned from a friend when I was 15 and in Guadalajara.. is a thing called a "courtesy flush"... so thing won't stink.

LOL I'm laughing at myself for even sharing this.

So I'm in the bathroom stall and Luke is in the little seat for kids.. slowly slumping over.. *sigh* I'm quiet.. and doing my courtesy flush because I would be so embarassed if someone came in and made a comment about how it stinks..

HAHAHA WHY AM I TYPING THIS!?!?!

anyways.. so I'm sitting there in the quiet with Luke.. and.. 2 women walk in.. I hear them chatting *being very loud* and.. one chick tells the other chick.. "Remind me to go poop after we eat lunch.. I think it'll make me feel better"

wth? LOL.. and so I'm sitting there giggling to myself as they continue with their loud and obnoxious embarassing comments.. I was thinking to myself.. OMG I would not say these things in a public bathroom.  (the first thing I do in a public bathroom is see how many people are in the bathroom when I go LOL)

anyways.. so Luke is so quiet during the whole thing.. just smiling at me ... and while these chicks are washing their hands (I'm being quiet because I am embarassed).. LUKE OUT LETS OUT THIS HUGE LOUD SQUEAL!!!!.. and I hear one chick say to the other chick.. "Did you hear that?".. and then they ran out of the bathroom giggling.

OH MY GOSH THEY DIDN'T EVEN CARE THAT A BABY WAS SQUEALING IN THE BATHROOM. I was so nervous they'd send an employee in to investigate "because someone abandoned a baby in a stall.."

and what if someone had abandoned a baby in the stall???? No one reported him squealing.. It makes me sad to think of a 5 month old left all alone by himself in the bathroom.

Sigh. thats the last time I use a public restroom.... er.. until I absolutely have to.. again.. LOL

oh my word. I ran out of the bathroom when I was finished.. I found Brian.. and I could not catch my breath because I was laughing so hard while telling him about the convo those chicks were having.


AWKWARD.

A reflection on my life

Today I thought I would write a reflection on the last 10 years of my life.  10 years ago, I was placed in foster care.  I think we all have those days that we make decisions that change everything about how the rest of our lives play out. 

I was in 8th grade, 13 years old and I absolutely refused to go home from school.  A police officer drove me to the youth shelter.  I can tell you that I had no clue what was going to happen.  I had no clue what to expect.  If you had told me that day.. That this is where I’d be.. I don’t know that I would have believed you.  At 13, I had already started trying to imagine my life in a different light.  I already wanted to be 18 and on my own.  As a child, you try to imagine how things will play out, what life will be like, and how it will feel to be free. 

I spent a month in the youth shelter.  I was asked several times to go back home.  I remember my mom coming up several times.  I still refused.  I didn’t want to go home. I didn’t want to live under those circumstances.  My little sister was so mad at me.  She wanted to be home with my mom.  Evelyn was her favorite.  I was taken out of the home and of course they removed Evelyn.  Evelyn spent the month in the shelter with me.  I stood my ground.  I refused to go home and we were put into separate foster homes until we could be reunited under one roof.  The purpose of foster care is not to take children away from their families but to rehabilitate those homes, and to make those homes safe for children with the hope of reuniting them.

I had been in foster care for a year and a half in May of 2003.  I still remember clearly that the State was still trying to place me back at home.  I still was in a position to say that I did not want to go home. And that I would not go home.  I don’t think I ever considered how that made anyone else feel.  I understood my mom was mentally ill.. But my moms condition really hurt me.  I cried myself to sleep very often.  My heart was broken and I did not think anyone understood.  On May 21, 2003  I went on a visit with my mom.  My older sister was going to drive us to my nieces graduation.  I stood outside the car and told my mom that there were not enough seat belts in the car.  I knew Kenia and her brother were going to be coming home with us.  My mom told me to shut up and to get into the car.  This would be a moment in her life that changed everything. 

On the way home, Kenia and Iggy were in my lap. And the last thing I remember is looking over and hearing my mom and her boyfriend scream.  I woke up 5 days later, with eyes swollen shut, and tubes coming out of my neck and mouth.  I wasn’t emotional.  Everything was fuzzy.  I felt numb when I woke up.  I was told my mom and niece had died.  I was told of my injuries.. And I remember trying to touch my face and having my hands pulled away from my face.  The first time I looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize myself.  I knew I was Natalie but I had no recollection of the girl in the pictures that were posted all over my hospital room.  This was a moment in my life that changed everything.  This experience rewired my brain completely. 

If you had told me that day.. That this is what would have happened to me.. I don’t think I would have believed you.  I told my mom I had a “bad” feeling but I’m pretty sure I made that up.  Those memories are fresh on my mind.  It almost feels as if it were yesterday but I still can’t believe tomorrow makes 9 years.  I was no longer pushed to go home or anywhere after my mom died.  I was just floating around in the system.  Even though I had several people offer to take me in, there was still that sense that I belonged to no one, and I had no home.  I can remember that feeling from a very early age.  I can clearly remember going through my moms things when I was 8.  I hoped I would find some little trace of something that said I wasn’t hers.  I hoped I was adopted or kidnapped or something.  I never found anything.

I spent my life never belonging anywhere.  I had my mom but what I felt was something no one should ever feel. By the time I turned 18, I was so ready to be on my own.  I knew I was responsible enough to take care of myself. I was ready to discover the world for myself.

6 years later.  9 years since the accident.  I’ve found my little niche. I won’t lie to you.  The 5 years I was in foster care were some of the hardest I’ve ever experienced.  My time in care probably wouldn’t have been so bad had I not been overwhelmed with my insecurity and depression.  But today I am depression free.  I am married, Brian and I have two beautiful children.  And I am a Junior in college.  I don’t feel any heart ache.  I am not broken.  Everyone wonders what their purpose is, or why they’re here.. I don’t think my purpose really ever dawned on me until today.  I was thinking about how happy I am.  Things that give you purpose really make you happy.  My purpose is to be a good mother, and to give my children the best life I possibly can.  There is no way for me to go back and change anything I’ve ever experienced.  I can’t take away the pain, or discomfort.  I can not replace the memories.  But as a mother today, I can provide my children so much more.  The heartache I felt has prepared me for this moment.  In this moment, I can wrap my arms around my children and squeeze them as tight as I can.  I can kiss them, and tell them how much I love them.  I don’t have those memories with my mom.  In this moment, I can give my children stability I never experienced.  I can give them memories I will never have with my parents.

Ten years ago, I would have never imagined this.  I would not have ever imagined actually being married, having children, building a home.  I was so desperate to get out of the cycle I was forced to be in, I would have done anything to get out and away.  I love my mom. I love my niece.  My love for them is something that is instilled in me.  But what has came from my decisions has most certainly been good.  I don’t look at my life as being a bad thing.  I would not want to relive any of what I’ve experienced.  Those memories are still within reach.  I know what all of it felt like.  But had I known this is where I would be at this time, I wouldn’t have been as lonely or insecure. 

My life is nothing I could have ever predicted but I am happy with where I am today.  If all I’ve been through was only for this moment of happiness, security, and fulfillment, then I’d say the last 10 years have been absolutely worth it.  I am thankful for the opportunity to live a life that is meaningful.

Sigh.. When I read what I write, it never makes sense. It doesn’t feel organized.  It feels choppy and all over the place.  Blah. Ten years is a long time.  I have a lot of memories and I’ve learned all kinds of things.

1.  Anything can happen at any time.
2.  Expect the unexpected.
3. Life is worth living.
4. I forgot. Ask me later.

-Natalie

Restless fingers make me type.

Today has been a good day.  Woke up early to a phone call from our contractor.  We went outside and he explained how we're supposed to stuff insulation around our windows and doors.  The electrician is supposed to come on Monday and we'll have brick soon after that.

We have shingles on our roof.  Its soo exciting.  I'm still painting this damn trim... white is a beautiful color but I have to do several coats because the smallest blemish shows.  Brian should be home in the next 30 minutes or so.. and he's going to help me finish.

Luke has been a good baby today.. he only cried when I went to the bathroom to do my business.. and Raegan has been very pleasant.  She looks forward to every day when Brian gets off work.  He takes her outside and she runs around our "work in progress" (our new home)

Today has went by pretty fast.. The house is quiet and I'm listening to some Jason Aldean. Ahh there are some songs that make me feel nostalgic. I can't explain the feeling it gives me.. its calming, kind of soothes my soul.  We all have those songs.. and we all know that feeling.  It feels almost as if he's singing the song to me. ah! lol

I'm trying to think of what I should say.          There is plenty I could talk about.. but with this blog being so public.. I shall restrain myself.

Anyways.. first thought in my head. I can't wait to move into our new house. (my house my house my house....yes someday I'll eventually stop talking about it)... I'm ready to deep clean everything and start over in our new house.  Brian and I never had a wedding shower.. so we didn't have tons of nice new stuff when we came home from our wedding.  We've got some stuff, new comforters and wall decor.. its all still packaged.. we're waiting until the day we move in to actually open them.  I look forward to new towels, and sheets, and pillows.. a beautiful dining room table.. and a beautiful bedroom set.  Slowly but surely.. I'm so excited to actually feel like I'm in my home, that's comfortable and not cluttered.  This house is so small.. and while I'm thankful for a roof over my head, I can't help but feel bitter and annoyed towards this house.  I've known since I moved in, that this is not my forever home.. so I've been ready to get out of it from the beginning.. and THE TIME HAS COME! :) YAY.. almost.  Sigh.

Today I miss my dear friend a bunch.  She lives in Germany for the time being... 3 years is a long time.. I'm ready for her to be back though.  I enjoy texting her every day.. and her encouragement and her opinion and her companionship.  (Pssst. Heather I'm talking about you!)

I must say.. I also can't help but think about how I'm in a really good spot.  I enjoy my life.  I haven't been this happy in ....ever.  I know life is a roller coaster.. but I'm on a good high.  I don't think I've ever been so content with life.  After I had Raegan, I had so many nervous breakdowns.. I was such an emotional wreck.  Life was really stressful.  But.. Things are so much better after Luke.  I really am happy and I enjoy every day so much.  I enjoy waking up, and I enjoy  going to bed.  I know even though things were stressful, I was happy with Raegan, but not this happy.  not this content.  Things really seem to be going my way.  I hate to jinx myself.  Being as happy as I am makes me really notice how different Brian and I are.  Not necessarily in a bad way.  I am an optimist. Brian on the other hand is a pessimist. Its frustrating.. and I point it out every time he says something negative to counteract my happiness or what I'm excited for.  Its annoying.  Of course with being a glass half full person.. I understand things go wrong.. but things also get better.. but Brian only things of the things that can go wrong.  I don't know if theres any way for me to RE-wire the way he thinks. I think he'd be a happier person if he wasn't so concerned with the things that will or won't happen, or will or won't go wrong.  Sigh.. input?

Blah blah blah..

Luke is starting to wimper.. I'm going to go roll around in the floor with him.

Natalie

What I think.

Okay no one has asked me my opinion on the Times Magazine Cover.. but.. :) I shall tell you anyways.

My opinion is that a mother should breastfeed her child as long as her child wants or needs it. Every person parents differently.  Nothing annoys me more than how the world views breastfeeding.

My personal opinion is that breastfeeding is something beautiful that was created by God and perverted by man.  I follow my instincts and I believe that allows me to be a better parent.  I don't like comparing myself to an animal.. but I guess in a sense we are all the same.  Naturally a woman has instincts that tell her and guide her on how to care for her children, and to raise them.  I don't mind a doctors advice but I prefer to follow my instincts and let my child do things at her own pace.  I understand that there are many mothers who have to work.  I understand that breastfeeding can be frustrating and that some mothers can not handle the pressures of work, their daily lives and breastfeeding.  When I had Raegan, I was a stay at home mom but I chose to formula feed. This time with Luke, I am still a stay at home mother, but I am breastfeeding Luke.  I can tell you with certainty that both experiences were and are completely different.  Raegan is still a healthy, smart and beautiful 3 year old little girl but I feel like I have a much closer bond with Luke, than I did with Raegan.  But I suppose I could also attribute how I feel about my bond with my children to their ages, Raegan is 3 and much more independent.  Luke is 4 months old and depends on me for EVERYTHING.

I enjoy being with my children everyday.  I have my moments where I would love to be with my husband.. but I'd prefer him to be home more with all of us than just alone with me.  Parenting is so hard, I won't lie.  It is a huge commitment.  Once I knew I was pregnant with Raegan, I had to evaluate myself, my life, my values and what I wanted as a parent.  My goal is to raise healthy, beautiful, caring, loving, dedicated children who love to serve others.. and wish to pursue change.  I want my children to know they can be successful and happy without seeking riches or fame.

I believe spending every day with my children gives them stability that I never had, breastfeeding Luke gives he and I a bond that I never shared with my mother.  I've never let either of my children "cry-it-out".. You may believe that's best for your family.. but I believe that if my child is crying, its for a reason.  Everyone swore up and down that Raegan was being manipulative when she cried, which was totally not true. She's such a sweet little girl, and is so funny and bright.  She is such a blessing.  I rocked Raegan to sleep every day for the first 3 years of her life.  My mom never rocked me to sleep, never held me when I cried, never kissed my booboos. I never felt comforted by her.  I believe my purpose as a mother is to defend, protect and love my children unconditionally.

I never realized that wearing your child in a wrap or sling was considered attachment parenting.  To tell you the truth I don't know anything about attachment parenting, I haven't read anything about it, but maybe I should become more informed about it.  I do everything how I want to, as I know my family and children best.  But wearing Luke in a wrap is so much easier than the days I had to carry Raegan around everywhere in a car seat, I love that Luke rests his head on my chest as I walk around wal-mart or wherever I'm shopping.  He listens to my heartbeat, and My tight embrace comforts him and makes him feel protected.  What is sweeter than that?

I don't know if I've even made how I feel clear in my post, I just feel like parenting would be so much easier if we listened to our body and instincts.  No lie, after I felt Luke, I could feel something I never felt when I first held Raegan.  It was most definitely my instincts, it was almost as if I felt a force of energy around me.  I will most definitely parent my future children the same way.  I wish I had breastfed Raegan, I believe wholeheartedly that my Post Partum experience would have been so much better and easier.  I also will breastfeed all of my future children.  It is best for my family. and I have all of the time in the world to devote to them, to nurture, cuddle and enjoy them. So I say screw the world and breastfeed your children as long as you want. We should all strive to be amazing parents, The children we raise today will be in control of the world around us in the future.  We should raise children who are compassionate, and want a better tomorrow not only for themselves but for everyone around the world.

Natalie