Part 1

The first day I showed up Brian had given me directions I had never taken before. I ended up getting turned around. frustrated. and lost. I had to call the place. get him on the phone to get better directions. I was so embarrassed. I called Brian bitched him out and finally figured out which way to go. By the time I got to my destination I was flustered and 30 minutes late. I walked in and standing in front of me was exactly the opposite of what I had prayed for the night before. True story.

He was average height for a guy. muscular. smiling. gorgeous blue or green eyes. I never was close enough to him to tell. The first day wasn't long. The second week was longer. background history. I cried through that. I found that I couldn't look at him much. He started telling me about EMDR. which was to help me with the sensitivity I experienced to hearing sirens. I cried automatically anytime I heard ambulance firetruck sirens.

There was one day in the beginning when he had hooked me up to all of the wires..I was looking at the computer screen and was talking him..He asked me why I wouldn't look at him. I told him "the eyes were the window to the soul"...when the truth was I just didn't know whether I was supposed to be looking at that stupid computer screen or not. I suppose he took that as something else because he asked me if I felt vulnerable. I don't remember my answer to that question but I remember looking at the computer screen. I told him he wasn't the most unattractive person and he askedme if I felt like I needed to see someone else. I looked away from him and said I didn't want to go through all of my background again. and he said he liked me.

He used the next few sessions to get me to loosen up by making more eye contact. I remember because he looked at me out of the corner of his eyes and smiled. I looked away and found myself looking back. My heart lept out of my chest. I had never felt that feeling for anyone before. There we were sitting in a room alone together and nothing was being said verbally. Nothing was being felt physically except this time we put a puzzle together. He kept his eyes down. His hands were clammy but his hands were all over mine. Towards the end he let me finish it by myself and he sat back and watched me.

We spent every session doing the counseling thing for 30 mins and flirting for 30 mins. He would always compliment my clothing. it was obvious he was interested in my chest. talking about the decor and pockets on my shirts. Things I paid no attention to. He was aware of mine and Brian's relationship.