Just a few thoughts.

Its 6:25 in the morning. Literally the only time this house is quiet. I prefer to write when there is silence.  It allows me to think clearly and say exactly what I meant to say.  I wish I could wake up every morning and write.  I'm always thinking. I've had a lot of things on my mind. The things I think about are a never ending cycle.  I think about them every day. So these are my thoughts. I'm putting them out into the world. I hope that it can be understood.

I have always been a deep thinker. A philosopher of life and what it means. I can remember at thirteen, staying the night with a friend.. being awake in the early morning hours just talking to her..and she asked why I thought about "those things"...I can't remember the exact conversation but I'm sure it was along the lines of God, Heaven and dying. For years I have thought about death. Every day.  I can't remember it before the accident but especially after. I went from riding in a car home, to airborne, then being revived multiple times. Every time I've gotten in a car I've wondered if that would be the time or day I die. I guess its kind of an anxiety that developed from being in a car accident I died in but was brought back from. I tell myself that my thoughts are irrational. Theres no need to think about it every time I get in a car. I can't help but wonder if I were in another car accident, would I be so lucky to survive.

The two most common things I hear from strangers is:
1. Wow, you are lucky to be alive! ....and I'm thinking duh.. but I suppose its an icebreaker, and maybe the only thing they can think of to say to keep me from noticing that my scars are the first thing they notice.

2.  The most religious people always tell me that God has a miraculous plan for my life....

I can't imagine what the plan could be. I share my personal experiences with people I know because it makes me feel better. The words take a weight off my chest but there are some people I know who haven't read my blog but if they did, I'm 99% sure they'd disagree with anything I've recollected about my life or experiences. If there is anything I hate, its being called a liar. My mom never believed anything I said so when someone doesn't believe me it brings about feelings that I don't like. Though I know what I may share may be hard to believe, I am at peace with myself and I know of these experiences to be true to me.

I wanted to see Heaven Is For Real months ago. It was in movie theaters during finals week last spring but nothing worked out.  So yesterday I was watching tv in passing and saw that it was on the Starz channels which we don't normally pay for but I convinced Brian to subscribe to Starz just so I could watch it.

My first thought of the movie was that it was slow. It was not a tearjerker for me but it did do something else. I felt a lump in my throat through the entire movie.  It was especially noticeable to me because I never have that feeling. I couldn't help but think about my own near death experience.  I could relate to the father character because I understood the struggle to believe something so unimaginable. We hear about Heaven all of the time through the church and Bible. We encounter the notion of afterlife on a daily basis but we struggle with the unknown. So his doubt and journey to believing was especially moving for me.

I've shared my experience maybe twice that I could think of...There was once I felt led to share my experience at church but when I approached the pastor, he quickly shot me down.  I can't remember his exact words but I felt embarrassed and stupid.  Likely feelings related to my social anxiety.  It took a lot from me to even consider sharing something I've hidden in my heart.  I've struggled with sharing the experience with anyone since.  I also never returned to the church.

The experience I can't explain happened at the time of the accident.  The moments after the accident I can remember saying my moms' name. Kaylena. over and over. Apparently I was being asked my name but the only name I could get out while choking on blood was my mothers.  There were five days between the time that occurred and the moment I woke up in the hospital.  There were two more days that passed before I was told that my mom and niece had died.  My eyes were swollen shut.  I could not talk because of the tracheotomy that had been performed. I can remember the moment when Sheila told me that momma and Kenia were dead.  I couldn't see Sheila but I remember her voice.  When she told me, I couldn't speak but the first thing I thought was "I know."

As I sit here.. I wonder how could I possibly know?  At that moment in time when I thought those words, I was so drugged up and being weaned off of medications that had been used to sedate me.. I was only awake for a few minutes at a time ..those few minutes were far to short for me to explain by using a board with letters and numbers to spell words.  After that .. I never told anyone what had happened between the time I was saying my mom's name and waking up.

What I kept to myself was this....
an overwhelming feeling of peace. happiness.  I always think of it as butterflies in your stomach. There was a bright light all around.  It was the most beautiful peaceful thing.  Nothing I have ever felt before or after this could even compare.  I couldn't see my body but I was there.  I also felt the presence of my mom. my niece and I felt God.  There was no sense of time. I just knew I was there with them. I remember a feeling of not wanting to leave but knowing I had to.

This experience being real is the only way I can explain knowing my mom and Kenia were dead.

So of course google says that a feeling of euphoria can occur due to a large loss of blood. but I'm not doctor.. and while science can do a lot of things..I trust my body, I trust my feelings, I trust my heart when I say I believe in God and Heaven.

I suppose that maybe the experience may have been why I never really felt bothered by their deaths.  Though I love them.. and I can only remember crying about them maybe twice...I just never felt overwhelmed by their deaths because I knew they are in heaven.

I hear repeatedly that this story of my life is amazing. I'm in some way remarkable.  I don't see it and I don't feel it.  You've probably read what I've thought and said.. "thats all you've got?" but I plan to go about my day. as usual. Knowing in my heart that this is real.  After watching this movie I don't have to hide something so personal.  I am not alone and others have struggled with understanding what can't possibly be true.  I've read some about others NDE and its interesting how similar some can be.. even when I had never shared or read into anyone elses experiences before.  How can someone explain the same things occurring in individuals who don't know each other...How do I explain being with momma and Kenia in total serenity during a time when they were no longer alive.. It was real.

Heaven is for real.





-Natalie