Anxiety sucks.

I hate that I don't write regularly. I am sure that if I could write everything I thought and everything I felt..then I wouldn't feel nearly as much of the anxiety that I feel at this exact moment. I hate that something can have such a hold on my body, thoughts, the way I feel.

I have been experiencing anxiety for years. I hate how it wakes me at night. The panicky feeling I get. Crying myself back to sleep. Breathing slowly and deeply to soothe myself, all while my husband is snoring soundly next to me. My heavy breathing continues for the rest of the day. The tears continue to flow. Driving through town, life continues, I drive down the winding road by the lake and continue on home but not even that can make me forget that I just don't feel right.

I keep trying to decipher where I think all of this anxiety is coming from and it just makes me cry even more. I know that in time I will feel better. Everyone has highs and lows. this is nothing new to me. This is just something I don't like feeling.  I'll be graduating from grad school in May. I'll have to to get a job. I won't have worked in 7 years. It'll be a big adjustment for me. I have other things on my mind. Its a never ending cycle.

It seems like none of this ever goes away. Every thing just piles up on the things before it. I have been attending counseling.  I had attended counseling when I was in foster care. I was not very compliant and I have a lot of guilt.  I thought this would give me the opportunity to clear my conscience and make myself feel better but its very difficult.  I did not think it would be this hard.